Hopeful Sorrow.

Oh, how I sincerely wish I could relocate my knowledge into your brain to give you the understanding of my hopeful sorrow. Unfortunately you'll have to highly depend on my honesty and words I speak to you. Not that I've fully spoken, but that I desire to spread across the table my genuine heart. In my eyes there will be your exact reflection and down my cheek in a single tear you will fall. Upon the breaking of that tear drop a knock will exist on the very door of your own heart. I'll blink away the moment and a smile will overly try to paste itself to my face. As I swallow your tension away, I'll admit to you my undeniable hardships.

I've tried for this long, and I'm continuing to do so. To be strong when you push and content when you're away. But I'm ever too weak to not weep and I'm much too anxious over your desultory reticence. But in my affection you remain, rooted deep down beyond reach. And just to see you beam once again in my presence makes the waiting all the more worth it. You subconsciously treat my mind like a book, reading it until the end. Here I fail to keep in a secret and there you go deciphering it nonetheless. For the sake of the quintessence of our friendship, I long-suffer.

You see, my dear, I've already spent my time trying to figure this out. Just as much as I've spent my time understanding my calling. But in the wilderness of my tribulation I was pointed out and set aside to be a light in the darkness. I'll patiently wait for each new vicissitude and direction, for you are like a pearl in a pile of rocks. Shamelessly you shall stand in the direction of my gaze and lovingly I will call your name. I am commanded not only to love, but to consider your needs above my own. Must I remind you that God is love? I can already tell He has no intention to give up on calling you out.

In my compassion I'll keep you, and when I speak to you words of honesty, I know you'll listen. Say to me what you desire, but understand where you stand in my life. I keep you down in the deepest and most fragile and tender place. There you remain so unequivocally steadfast, resting in my heart. In my distress over our circumstances, in my lowest state of affliction, I'll look only into your eyes and tell you I'm trying. I know I see something most definitely different inside the windows upon your face. I cannot imagine the lamentation of a good-bye, for I do not desire that misery. I'll be sincere, you're like the prize at the end of a race. And if I must crawl my way to the end, I will.

I do not know what to do, but I am trying. Just hold on.

Us.

I should not have cried. But it's not too terribly bad that I did result to sorrow over our nonexistent matter. You see, I began thinking of breaking down into pieces in front of you. I know not what to say, and I know not what to do. Meanwhile I have this great hope that God is sorting it all out for us. He is where I leave my pain and gain my faith. But as I imagined looking you in the eyes and telling you I'm at a loss for actions concerning what hurts me, I cried in the dark.

I have a tendency to hold onto your sweater during these times. You left a part of you when you gave it to me. Somehow. I still can't fully understand how I managed to have that sweater in my possessions. Two years before I received it, I stole it. A day after that I became sick so I wore it. It gave me comfort in a very unexplainable way. Eventually I returned it to you and it was just never the same since. A year after, I had it again when I was much too cold to take it off before departing your car. Who would have thought that a year after that...you'd finally just let me keep it? But now, to my benefit, I treasure it.

I've seen our situation as a battle. Deep within that battle I know there's an enemy who wants not only to destroy me, but you too. I've decided to serve a God who is much stronger than that enemy and have taken the time to pray daily for you so that you may not be destroyed. It is during my prayers that I wish you were near. In those moments where I weep for you, I'm only hoping it's not over. Because even if the enemy wants you destroyed, I most certainly do not! And I will do all that I can to surround you with love. Not just from me, but from God. I've witnessed a man being called by being the one He asked to pray for him.

If I were to cut you off from my life, I'd fear our mutual pain. Because I know that deep down inside your tender beating heart, you care for me more than I can tell. And you're holding on almost as tight as I am. If the chains that hold me to you were to break, you'd feel it too. Behind the thought of saying good-bye to you follows the tears of losing my best friend. No, I do not understand how we got to this point with a live friendship. All I know though is that we did. Why was it so important that God had to sit us next to each other over three years ago? Ever since then it's been so easy to keep you around because He's managed to hook us. He's also made you quite appealing to me. I know it took time for me to really see that, but you're a beautiful sight in my eyes. I love you in the inside where it counts, and the outside where you smile.

I might have left something with you. But I'm not asking for it back.

Glance.

Oh dear eyes, why ever must you avert to your desired destination? I'm in complete control of you, yet you too often glance against my knowing. I’ve come to realize these fleeting looks you like giving though. It’s not that I’m angry over such actions, for my subconscious reasons explain why. Perhaps you’re yearning yet again for what is my fault. I’ve placed a beautiful treasure inside of my locked up heart and you know exactly where that key is. You desire to have it unlocked, free and open with happiness and joy. I completely apologize that I cannot tend to your needs as I wish I could.

You know what your target is, I can tell. It’s almost like a magnetic force has found its way to your grasp. I look away and you begin seeking, searching, screaming. It’s as if it’s your oxygen to set your gaze on that objective. But I’m never sure how much I can handle. You make me feel weak, for I cannot hold you back. Your vision is set, although I know I have no choice but to try and keep up with you.

I’m at a loss of words that I cannot comfort you when you stare long and hard at what tugs my heart. You flood yourself during this gaze and I take control to shut it all out. But see, I cannot shut it out, for it becomes strong inside my mind. Your waters are being poured out upon me and I cannot help you. My heart still beats, but I’m not quite sure how. I know you’ll still glance; you’ll still ponder that existence you love. But if for just a glimpse, may the floods break the dam I never meant to build.

The One Thing in My Life.

The overact of caring comes from the indescribable effect of the need to love. Every scratch, every slap, every bruise, and every sting drifts off into the past of forgotten faults. Each word that flows out of my mouth and into your ears is finally too late to keep silent. I only held it in so that it'd burst out when it had to. I've become this person in your life that never knew the need to try so very hard to become better. It has become and remained tough for one simple reason--I have accepted you.

Along acceptance became tears to describe my true feelings. To look at a human being who looks exactly who I'd desire to spend my entire life with and see a wall right in front of him. Along came signs and words spoken in my mind so loudly that I grew hope that the reality of now was temporary. Each and every passing day I remained staring at that wall, my heart slightly cracking along the way.

It has become the one thing in my life that I want to hold on to so that I never give up. To wonder why I received such signs and to think it's not over. The many times I've felt like letting go and giving up, I could not. Something always told me that it is not over. I saw this as a battle, a fight, for something great, something true. I wanted to fight it with my whole heart. To love and learn from it all. It has become a challenge and I do not want to fail.

I never did get my chance to become something special. I remained thankful for just a friendship. I accept where I stand. I'll love that very human being just the way he is. But I'll continue to meanwhile hope that we've not discovered the true meaning of our purposes. If I receive yet another sign that leads me to you, I'll go through the heartbreak of still accepting our reality. Our two different views on love may not be that much different. But the love I've come to know is what lead me to keeping you around. And loving you just the way you are. :)