May I Ask Why?

It's a pretend okay, not necessarily true contentment. I guess so, at least. If I ran away, would that solve all my problems? I can't even dream it away; I'm nightly reminded. The secrets I crave are worth the wait, but far long overdue. When I'm so low to the ground, I'm crawling, trying so completely hard to hold my head up and look forward. Moments after moments I pause that crawl and cry myself to reality. There I find a slap in the face and the war within me starts all over again.

I wake up the next day and continue to breathe. I occupy myself with things, which often turn into only just trying to find something. I smile when expected to, I laugh when alas! I am distracted. But the quiet steps I take, back at home and alone in my room speak to me volumes. The silence of my breath, the heaviness of my heart, it's unbearable. I turn on a low light, I take a deep breath, and sit myself upon my bed. After enough painful quietness, I allow my mind to take flight.

These chains I prayed away, these chains could only stay. Running is made hard, jerked back, I cannot do it. I look to God who knows me well and stare upward with tears. I weep and weep to Him, asking Him why...over and over again. Then I tell Him I want to keep fighting, I want to get up and walk. I don't want to give up in everything and fall down. But I admit my weakness and I seek His strength. I know that somehow He pours it down on me at that moment and as I fall asleep, He renews my strength.

Yet again I continue this cycle. And it always ends in "Why?" But that exact question puts me back on my feet... To continue on.