Stop Ticking.

I could hear the ticking becoming louder and louder inside my head. For quite a while I've allowed myself to just overlook it. But each new day I'm realizing it's not going away. Now I dread the explosion, therefore my patience has become an additive to the time. Finding distractions, making schedules, it's this giant candy-coating process of my life. Would you rather me pretend I'm not going through this?

I am afraid. I am afraid to cut myself out of the battle, for it would serve a purpose of failure. I am afraid of my own emotions so I depend on hope to pull me through. You've pounded me to fix this and I pretended it did nothing to me. But in reality, you have put me on the ground. I feel like the only reason I must listen to your advice is to prove to you I can do it, but that it would not change the circumstances. Nor would it change the very reason why I was in need for help. I can very much so move on in life and become dependent. But buried beneath my surface and into my heart there's a calling for me. And as long as the situation we sit in remains so, I will constantly have the need to tend to it.

Why? Why must this break me? Why must I spend that time crying out for you at night? Sometimes I have utter guilt for anger over the matter and I just want to honestly tell you I love you. It is a strong tug at the most fragile part of my heart. If I were to run, I'd be pulled back. But here I am ticking away at the verge of exploding. I’ve spent enough time pretending this isn’t so, but I do not aspire to be fraudulent in my speech. But it is not your fault and never has been that I have developed this ticking bomb. I innocently walked into your life and you innocently walked into mine. I became faced with a trial, but it was my decision to fight it.

In due time it’ll all make sense. But for now, please forgive me if I explode. I might need you to put the pieces together again and start over.