What Do I Do?

I don't necessarily know how I got to this point, but I know I have. I've been at a loss of actions for quite a while now. I want to do the right thing, and I want to be content with it. But deciding what the right thing is can be a bit tough. Ultimately I know I must seek sincere happiness, and be the absolute best. I may have been quite teased in my life, but it's my duty to react differently and dismiss the teasing. It's difficult dealing with my heart, but it's all I have.

Right now I've got myself. I've not any sort of responsibility of another human being, and have no reason to worry. Even if it's incredibly hard to ignore this heart, I've got to. I feel it'll only get me in more trouble as it has in the past. It messes with my mind. I've tried and tried for the past two months to change my thoughts, change my attitude, and believe in things that don't even exist. For the sake of my sanity, I've learned to pretend that there is no problem, or person, in my life.

Meanwhile I have made new friends who listen to me and take interest in what I have to say. I purposely try to occupy my time with important things and keep a smile on my face. Because someday I'd like to discover where I'm meant to be. But until then, I must work for it, and earn the money to start such a future. Although I don't want to back out of my flying plans, it's beginning to be tempting because I don't know if I should go anymore. I can tell I want to, but it hasn't been working out. I'm not one to easily doubt, and ultimately I want to believe there is a solution to the problems. But daily I'm being pushed to say no to this trip and I can't decide if I ignore that and believe anyway, or take it as a sign.

I just want to stay happy. Why is it so hard? The reason it seems I let people "walk all over me" is because I don't have the heart to walk on them back. I can't feel okay pointing out flaws back. I don't want to. I don't want to think negative. And I get attached so easily, like I starve myself of people. And yet I do not.

Dearest God...What do I do?