Indestructible.

Indestructible | May 15, 2010

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

There may be bruises, cuts, scabs, and blisters, but they always heal. And as long as they can heal, it’s meant to stay alive. So why shall we try to destroy it? What gives us that want to just end what is good? Perhaps the confusion of why something so good hurts so much? Because it’s not the way it feels like it is? Because your heart feels so close to bursting? But yet you do not want to just let go. You fear more the pain of letting go than the pain of holding on. And you’d rather suffer just to keep that good thing around.

I may not understand why I couldn’t go through with it. Or maybe I do. Maybe I had the thought that if I took away what I gave you, you’d miss it. And as I’d slowly die inside, I’d miss it too. Maybe I wanted a reason to cherish it even more because I couldn’t handle it being gone. But you scared me. I had this fear that if I destroyed it now, you’d never let me get it back. If I couldn’t handle it, I was scared to think that I couldn’t get it back. It’s not what I wanted, to allow the bond we have to dissipate. If I could have one thing in the world forever, it would be you.

I felt completely lost waking up the next day. Soon enough I realized what happened and the tears started forming. I couldn’t say good-bye to you. I couldn’t throw away my most precious treasure. I’d rather suffer because I can’t fully have you than suffer because you’re never around. And yet we reminisced at random moments, and pointed out each other’s qualities. There was still little moments of laughter, and our reminder that we created something. So I cried and continued to do so because I love you. And it’s the only decision I even want to make.

You’re the one I never knew I wanted until it was shoved in my face. I find joy in the simple things we do. But I cry because I never want it to end. I never want it to get worse. And I never want to have to say good bye to everything we’ve created. You’ve placed reminders of yourself in every area of my life. You sit so comfortably in my heart and I can’t imagine anyone else taking that seat. You listen to me so intently when I talk, as if my say matters to you. I’ve come to very much appreciate that because I was never used to someone like you. Can you imagine how much more I just do not want to let you go?

I love you with my whole entire heart. Through the very good times, and the very bad. I always feel you deserve my patience and I could never be content without it. And as much as I want you happy, I’m too selfish to let you go. I’m too selfish to watch you walk away because I want to remain that person who always loves you. I want to love you, just so I can love you right. I feel so chained here in your life with no desire to abandon you. And I just cannot make that choice to destroy what we have. But as long as you want to keep it, know that I do love you.

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

May I Ask Why?

It's a pretend okay, not necessarily true contentment. I guess so, at least. If I ran away, would that solve all my problems? I can't even dream it away; I'm nightly reminded. The secrets I crave are worth the wait, but far long overdue. When I'm so low to the ground, I'm crawling, trying so completely hard to hold my head up and look forward. Moments after moments I pause that crawl and cry myself to reality. There I find a slap in the face and the war within me starts all over again.

I wake up the next day and continue to breathe. I occupy myself with things, which often turn into only just trying to find something. I smile when expected to, I laugh when alas! I am distracted. But the quiet steps I take, back at home and alone in my room speak to me volumes. The silence of my breath, the heaviness of my heart, it's unbearable. I turn on a low light, I take a deep breath, and sit myself upon my bed. After enough painful quietness, I allow my mind to take flight.

These chains I prayed away, these chains could only stay. Running is made hard, jerked back, I cannot do it. I look to God who knows me well and stare upward with tears. I weep and weep to Him, asking Him why...over and over again. Then I tell Him I want to keep fighting, I want to get up and walk. I don't want to give up in everything and fall down. But I admit my weakness and I seek His strength. I know that somehow He pours it down on me at that moment and as I fall asleep, He renews my strength.

Yet again I continue this cycle. And it always ends in "Why?" But that exact question puts me back on my feet... To continue on.

Dear Others.

Dear Others,

Please don't feel bad for me. I do look toward the bright side. We don't live hopeless lives unless we make them hopeless. And I know I go through pain and sorrow, and I spend days with weakness and tears. But it helps me feel stronger on the days I get back up again and continue forward. I wake up every day breathing, knowing I'm still here and that I must keep going. I don't need your worry or your doubt, just your happiness and encouragement.

Things happen in our lives for reasons, and we learn and grow from them all. I could have run away a long time ago, I could have walked out on my problems, but something always told me to stay. And as much as I could have gone anyway, I knew it'd only make me a failure. To run away from what serves a big purpose would be a total waste of life. So here I am, where I'm at, asking that you not feel bad.

I've grown, I've become stronger and more patient. I've learned lessons I didn't know I needed to learn. I've gained knowledge I didn't know existed. I've become this person I could have never imagined three years ago. And yet I still find happiness through my sadness, hope through my doubt. I'll stand for one of the greatest things there is. And that's love.

If you could see what I see, you'd understand. If you could feel what I feel, you'd see. If you could know what I know, you'd feel it too. Sometimes we're given big tasks with two options. To complete it, or automatically fail. I'd not dismiss the opportunity to keep loving someone despite their response actions.

I didn't search for him and he didn't find me. It just happened.

I don't even regret talking back. :)

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

Traces in the Clouds.

April 14, 2010

It found me and attacked me. I knew it would the moment I let myself be alone. My mind searched hard through my heart to find the reasons behind my sorrow. I keep feeling like I find exactly what breaks me into pieces completely. Each time I get up, I’m pushed down--over and over and over again. My body seems too weak to keep getting up that I find myself not wanting to get up. Soon the words “I can’t do this anymore” find their way to my mouth as I cry out. But I don’t want to walk away, nor do I want to run from my problems. I just want something to change for the better. I want some type of breakthrough in my life and in his. I don’t want our friendship to hurt like this.

It still hurts me, I will admit. It still causes deep pain to take in reality and to accept that he does not desire me the same. I try hard to ignore it around him, but each time I shatter more. In no way am I mad at him, nor do I blame him for this pain. I keep seeing perfection in our bond and that longing to stay with him forever. I’ve never allowed myself to completely feel this way with anyone, nor did I come close. But as I fulfill almost three years of him being in my life, I know I mean it. Nowhere would I be able to find a friendship like this. If anyone tried to top this friendship, they might find it almost impossible. We’ve gone through a lot, and we’ve had reason to learn a lot. We’ve grown over the years that I’d rather die than kill what we have.

I still enjoy the happiness around him, putting all hardship aside. I still love him in all the things that we do together. I still continuously want to help him out and encourage him to be happy. I still remember somehow of how his hugs felt--but I still crave to have at least one more. I wish with all that I have that the awkward feeling would just go away. All I seem to be able to do lately is try to feel okay around him, then return home and cry. Writing about it makes me feel like I’m letting some of it out to help me. But this seems to be all that I write about lately because this is how my heart speaks. But how much longer can I go on?

I found my low and felt completely weak on the floor. Tears left my eyes with the pain inside. The battle within me fights hard, but I fall to my knees. I don’t know how much more I can endure. I want to tell him, but I don’t want to hurt what’s still left. I don’t want to push him away, or cause him to run from me. But I don’t want to watch our friendship hurt. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore. I can’t seem to stand that long, as I find myself on the floor more lately. But then I look around to find things he’s provided for me and I cry because of how much I appreciate it. The things I’d never want to just stop one day. I cry thinking about how he bought us lunch and frozen yogurt. But I am not worth it.

WHY? WHY did this have to happen to ME? HOW must I carry on? WHAT do I do? I’ve guarded my heart my whole entire life. He cannot tell me to do that as if I don’t. Why must he act like I’ve brought this upon myself? That I have full control of what happens in my life? I’ve always been careful and still am to this day. I am much too picky to just allow anyone into my life. I forgot that I’ve been like this because of how much of our situation has occupied my mind. I did not even realize that I’ve not met anyone new that has been a big part in my life lately. God gave me Steven. He is the one He put into my life. Steven is the one who stayed and remains here this day. Steven is the one I talk to. Steven is my best friend.

[[Title is from the solo piano song I played while writing this.]]