Meant.

When our paths crossed, we started a journey we had no idea we were to travel in. It contained the highest of highs and lowest of lows. There were moments when I was so scared of you, and moments when you were the only person I could talk to. But throughout the entire friendship, I always knew that somehow you were special. You were someone made to be in my life and I was going to know you longer than I could have guessed upon our meeting. I believed this even more as I grew to admire this about you. And soon enough, you were placed preciously inside my heart to stay.

When I first met you, our personalities were in for a surprise! But as weeks went by, I began to truly appreciate you. And one day I made the best choice I could--to treat you with kindness. After that I grew to care for you. And four and a half years later, after our roller-coaster ride of a friendship, I still get nervous to see you. You're still like that celebrity to me, and I'm in awe of knowing you. Everything changes with you around. And if you leave the room, I am practically lost.

What is it about you? It's always as if there's this giant arrow pointing down at you. In a huge crowd, you could be all I see. And very often I believe that God himself is pointing you out to me. So can't you see? I'm not walking away from someone so purposely placed in my life. You always came back before. I'm convinced you're not meant to be out of my life.

Dear You.

Dear You,

I think it's about time I write you again, as I don't know how to talk to you. This is just one of those electronically written letters that you'd have to miraculously stumble upon while randomly desiring to find my blog yet again. You knew the link before, and I can't say you've booked-marked it, memorized it, or stalked your way to it, as I wouldn't quite believe that. But you've surprised me, so either way I shall write as if you may never read it. Or that you are. The point being that I need to get this out.

In all honesty, you do confuse me in such a scary way. You've caused me to be paranoid about things that I'm afraid to know. I think that if I happily respond to perhaps a text message or something of the sort you will think that I am pretending as if nothing happened. But if I address the situation and/or circumstance it will ruin everything yet again. That is unfortunately the one thing I cannot bear to commit. But in no way do I desire to ignore you or pretend you don't exist. I'm simply just struggling to understand what is to happen between you and I. Because you remain secured tight inside my heart and I still deeply care for your entire being.

[[3 days later]]

I'm really hoping for the very best for you and I.

Sincerely,
Me

Assumptions.

If I could end one thing, it would be the ability to assume. It always tends to get me screaming down after a high peak of waiting, as if I'm on some type of roller-coaster ride. All is fine, something happens, I assume why, believe my assumptions can be wrong, find out they are usually, and get back up, smile, and all is fine. As you can see, that's where it loops. But that's okay.

Everything is okay.

In fact, it's okay to accept you were wrong. It's okay because it makes everything somehow better. I don't really assume enough to believe. I always feel like I'm still waiting to know the truth and understand in everything I'm left hanging with. I make assumptions somehow, maybe I'm human, I'm not sure. But in the back of my mind, I'm waiting to understand what is, and not what I think is. To me, there's always a possibility of something better--a greater reason than a negative assumption. To me, there's hope in everything, giving me no reason to doubt and hurt myself.

Everything is okay.

We don't get on a roller-coaster at a theme park to punish ourselves. They're made for entertainment, for fun, and for excitement. Besides the fact that some don't like them (like me!). But either way, they're there for fun, they're made for fun. So even if you're on a roller-coaster ride metaphorically speaking, just remember the reason roller-coasters were made! Just to mess with your insides, I suppose, and make you sick. But still. That's besides the point!

Because the point is: everything is okay.

:)

Second Beginning or Second Ending.

Although it was an unfortunate reason as to why our paths were so inclined to cross once again, the strong smile on your face and your simple embrace with a hug made the last three months practically vanish. That was a much needed reassurance that you're okay. You looked so strong on the outside and even during the service in remembrance of your dear mother, you could smile when I approached you. I will hope you know that I will indeed be here for you no matter what.

But the very next day an enormous wall was placed between us somehow and I was stuck in my seat, spending countless minutes trying to figure out what to do. I kept trying to build courage to make a move, to at least say hi. But as I hesitated, I grew a lot of hope that you'd come over to where I'd be knowing you had that strong hold on me. With enough time wasted on debating how I should approach you, I finally took a deep breath, stood up and said to myself, "I can do this." I remember each step it took to get to you, and as I placed myself in the spot near you, I waited for your attention on my unfortunate timing. When silence became between you and the other person I saw my chance and said hello.

The walls at that point literally came crashing down. You spoke to me like you haven't forgotten a thing and you laughed like you meant it. You didn't easily find a way to escape me, you actually stuck around. And although I wanted to say a million things I very much so held my tongue. I awkwardly acknowledged the absence of the ring I had bought you months ago. I shouldn't expect you to still wear it, but for some reason I imagined you might. And although you said you had recently taken it off, I'm not sure how much of that was truth. But it still oddly brought a bit of sadness that reality was slapping me in the face just a bit. You see, before I even gained such courage to walk up to you, I had noticed the ring was missing. Because you still wore another one, something inside of me began to deteriorate. Maybe it was an inevitable feeling, as I couldn't ignore it enough. I had to stop myself from tearing up almost the entire day because of the distance between us. During such a sad event, I couldn't even be me for you.

Back to where we stood, I calmed down the more I talked to you. We gave each other small updates, and our jokes made us both laugh. It seemed you remembered everything we ever shared, and I felt quite inclined to talk of the only topics that came to mind at the moment. I tried not to mention everything that I mentioned and what I should have held in came out full speed. But I was always like that with you, perhaps you were used to it (hopefully).

But one particular part of our entire conversation stood out to me that pushed me down when I didn't realize how tall I was standing beforehand. You explained that you didn't want to come back and pretend like nothing happened. This confirmed why you remained distant and kept any replies short to any rare thing I sent during your absence. I'd never pretend like nothing happened, as we did part ways and that can't be ignored even if you came back. But I guess I would have never guessed that you'd be proud of your decision to be away from me. Had this been done to you, perhaps you'd understand. But it's almost as if something is not good enough with me.

So now I sit here, afraid that when I see you again, you'll still keep your decision and I'll lose you yet again.
I'm just afraid I cannot handle that.
And ultimately, I do not want to one bit.

Why do you think this is happening to me?