Second Beginning or Second Ending.

Although it was an unfortunate reason as to why our paths were so inclined to cross once again, the strong smile on your face and your simple embrace with a hug made the last three months practically vanish. That was a much needed reassurance that you're okay. You looked so strong on the outside and even during the service in remembrance of your dear mother, you could smile when I approached you. I will hope you know that I will indeed be here for you no matter what.

But the very next day an enormous wall was placed between us somehow and I was stuck in my seat, spending countless minutes trying to figure out what to do. I kept trying to build courage to make a move, to at least say hi. But as I hesitated, I grew a lot of hope that you'd come over to where I'd be knowing you had that strong hold on me. With enough time wasted on debating how I should approach you, I finally took a deep breath, stood up and said to myself, "I can do this." I remember each step it took to get to you, and as I placed myself in the spot near you, I waited for your attention on my unfortunate timing. When silence became between you and the other person I saw my chance and said hello.

The walls at that point literally came crashing down. You spoke to me like you haven't forgotten a thing and you laughed like you meant it. You didn't easily find a way to escape me, you actually stuck around. And although I wanted to say a million things I very much so held my tongue. I awkwardly acknowledged the absence of the ring I had bought you months ago. I shouldn't expect you to still wear it, but for some reason I imagined you might. And although you said you had recently taken it off, I'm not sure how much of that was truth. But it still oddly brought a bit of sadness that reality was slapping me in the face just a bit. You see, before I even gained such courage to walk up to you, I had noticed the ring was missing. Because you still wore another one, something inside of me began to deteriorate. Maybe it was an inevitable feeling, as I couldn't ignore it enough. I had to stop myself from tearing up almost the entire day because of the distance between us. During such a sad event, I couldn't even be me for you.

Back to where we stood, I calmed down the more I talked to you. We gave each other small updates, and our jokes made us both laugh. It seemed you remembered everything we ever shared, and I felt quite inclined to talk of the only topics that came to mind at the moment. I tried not to mention everything that I mentioned and what I should have held in came out full speed. But I was always like that with you, perhaps you were used to it (hopefully).

But one particular part of our entire conversation stood out to me that pushed me down when I didn't realize how tall I was standing beforehand. You explained that you didn't want to come back and pretend like nothing happened. This confirmed why you remained distant and kept any replies short to any rare thing I sent during your absence. I'd never pretend like nothing happened, as we did part ways and that can't be ignored even if you came back. But I guess I would have never guessed that you'd be proud of your decision to be away from me. Had this been done to you, perhaps you'd understand. But it's almost as if something is not good enough with me.

So now I sit here, afraid that when I see you again, you'll still keep your decision and I'll lose you yet again.
I'm just afraid I cannot handle that.
And ultimately, I do not want to one bit.

Why do you think this is happening to me?