Paranoia

I'm not entirely sure how to express myself at this current moment in time. Perhaps I need to allow the camera to help me out, and maybe I can capture at least a percentage of my inner being. But what difference would that make? I've developed some sort of paranoid thought that I cannot even explain.

Unfortunate Desires.

Lacking to receive and possess a certain feeling and attention causes one to desire, wonder, and ache for that unknown sensation. The moment you receive the tiniest of it, it's like you've been starving for weeks and suddenly a piece of food is placed in front of you. Instead of patiently taking it piece by piece, you're craving the entire refrigerator and the patience is harder to keep. I've lacked what I desire and I'm burning deeply inside with a passion waiting to explode.

I do not understand myself. I do not understand why this has become so complicated. And suddenly I'm receiving genuine attention that I actually quite enjoy, which is extremely rare for me. But yet I still feel so stuck to the unfortunate. Why must my feelings confuse me so? I know exactly what I'm not receiving and what I'm craving. But it's just not enough, not worth it, to give in and receive it improperly. I do not want to waste time, or break hearts giving in.

I'm human, I know that. I know I desire an intense amount to be in a closer relationship with the opposite gender. They're difference intrigues me, and keeps me entertained by the fact that I cannot understand their point of view. And I'm completely fine with that for the simple fact that I love the difference. I love mystery. A whole reason to get to know them, to see how they see life. To interact and feel different. It's so silly to admit, and I've gone this far without. But yet I struggle daily without having it.

I've let God distract me, so He can be all that I have and need so that I do not wonder too often. But I do. I grew in love with my best friend and I have no idea why it lasted this long. And now I have such a hard time pulling away because I feel so stuck to him. Stuck in such a way that it has become out of my control. I almost want someone to come along and steal that attention away from him. Someone to feel okay around, someone who intrigues me the same. But what if I'm only intrigued with the ones who treat me as a human, but desire nothing at all beyond a simple friendship?

And yet these things should not matter. I should not wonder. I cannot do this to myself.

The truth is right here. I too often wish for a mutual like and love.

God, You Must Really Love Him.

I know he does not choose me,
That eventually wasn't the point.
I know he does not choose You,
You let me know the feeling.
You allowed me to know,
To see.
To grow.
To love with an undying love.
To understand Your greatness.
You've given me the eyes to see,
The heart to believe,
And the patience to endure.
No anger stays within me,
No pain when he's around.
I smile when he smiles,
And give all that I can.
I ask for nothing in return,
And love nonetheless.
As I celebrated his existence,
I left home with one thought:
"God, you must really love him."

God does not give up on whom He calls. To answer Him is to accept paradise.

It Has Faded.

I should have known that the anger would fade quickly as it always did. I've fought you in my mind and heart for so long. The good memories of you and I are almost haunting. There is and always will be a difference you hold that no others can compare to. You see, I do not want to depart from you with anger or hate. If I leave, I will leave just as unintentional as I came. I'd want to leave you with the honest truth.

I know it's unfortunate that we'd have to part yet again for such as reason as what it is. But there was nothing I could have done to change it. It was always your personal choice. I've always made these changes just for you. I could have never asked you to do anything for me. I just couldn't.

The reason I came along, or at least one of them, has so far proven to be ineffective. It's the main reason that I'd depart in sadness. You've changed completely since the day I met you. But I still remember that young man that got my attention and gave me more than I could have wished for back then. I still remember your young heart putting a light and hope in my eyes. I remember how well you paid attention to me without trying, and somehow I grew into the person I am today. I like to see that as a big reason why you came along. I needed you, somehow. I did.

I'm fighting my mind to not sing about you, but do know you gave me so many words to turn into music. I want to respect your wish though.

I always said I do not understand you, nor this. I'm in high hopes that one day I will understand it. ♥