Unfortunate Desires.

Lacking to receive and possess a certain feeling and attention causes one to desire, wonder, and ache for that unknown sensation. The moment you receive the tiniest of it, it's like you've been starving for weeks and suddenly a piece of food is placed in front of you. Instead of patiently taking it piece by piece, you're craving the entire refrigerator and the patience is harder to keep. I've lacked what I desire and I'm burning deeply inside with a passion waiting to explode.

I do not understand myself. I do not understand why this has become so complicated. And suddenly I'm receiving genuine attention that I actually quite enjoy, which is extremely rare for me. But yet I still feel so stuck to the unfortunate. Why must my feelings confuse me so? I know exactly what I'm not receiving and what I'm craving. But it's just not enough, not worth it, to give in and receive it improperly. I do not want to waste time, or break hearts giving in.

I'm human, I know that. I know I desire an intense amount to be in a closer relationship with the opposite gender. They're difference intrigues me, and keeps me entertained by the fact that I cannot understand their point of view. And I'm completely fine with that for the simple fact that I love the difference. I love mystery. A whole reason to get to know them, to see how they see life. To interact and feel different. It's so silly to admit, and I've gone this far without. But yet I struggle daily without having it.

I've let God distract me, so He can be all that I have and need so that I do not wonder too often. But I do. I grew in love with my best friend and I have no idea why it lasted this long. And now I have such a hard time pulling away because I feel so stuck to him. Stuck in such a way that it has become out of my control. I almost want someone to come along and steal that attention away from him. Someone to feel okay around, someone who intrigues me the same. But what if I'm only intrigued with the ones who treat me as a human, but desire nothing at all beyond a simple friendship?

And yet these things should not matter. I should not wonder. I cannot do this to myself.

The truth is right here. I too often wish for a mutual like and love.