As I allow my mind to show me what's in my heart, I end up curled up on the floor, determined to just cry it out. But that same mind remains so utterly busy the very next day, with its unfortunate ability to distract me from working. What is happening to me? I wonder this now as the realization of my sudden paranoia comes forth in my mind. My past has affected me this way.
I spent about 4 years experiencing unrequited love, as so to speak. Not that I was unloved, but that I loved too much to not desire more. I wanted to overcome it though, to win the battle, to finish the race. I wanted to make it to the end and receive a great reward, so instead of becoming hateful to the person, I loved anyway. I learned how important love is, and I served as a reminder in their life. I was the one who would love them the way God loves us. And I walked away with that exact hope that I left that impact.
So here I am at a crossroads, trying my best to hold in the scars I arrived with. I may have developed a fear that I will gain "feelings" and desire for someone who will not want that in return. But I know God will help me through that, and guide me the right way. He will not let me go through what I cannot handle, and He will not drag me through the same storm when I've already come out of it. I sincerely pray that I do not ruin a great friendship with desires for more, but that if I do gain it, that it'll be right.
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