The Fighter in Me.

This is different. It felt nice to experience peace and feel happy again, but as I sit here I feel slightly anxious. I came out of a four year battle. My heart was apparently built to fight. I'm now waiting for another door to be opened, but until then...I must try hard to just be still. I'm not entirely used to this. I'm realizing it more and more each day. I'm starting to get to know this heart of mine. Slightly.

Once a fighter, always a fighter, I suppose. Having nothing or no one to fight for is too strange for me. But at the same time I am afraid to ask God for another task, even though I'm willing to fight again. I'm afraid because I'm not entirely sure what I can handle anymore. My tears beg me not to return to the pain in the past. No part of me wants to return to that and feel it all over again.

So I begin to deal with fear. Over-thinking, to say the least. I am angry at my mind for doing this. Is it trying to find something to fight for again? Am I so drawn to broken projects? Sit this out, Stephanie. Sit it out! Wait. Enjoy the freedom for now. Enjoy the peace. Why are you thinking beyond what you can control!? What reason do you have to determine what is unknown?

Who does this? Who cries for what I cry for? I'm crying because I want to have another reason to fight? I'm crying because I miss unconditionally loving someone? In no way am I crying for not receiving. That battle was fought, that battle is done with. But now I cry because I still yearn to apply that love to someone? Because I miss giving gifts to make them smile? Because I still wonder, to this day, no matter how many times I tell myself it does not matter, how it even feels to be adored in return? I cry because it bothers me that I must wonder this?

What is my next task? What is my purpose in this life? Which human being can I lovingly care for that will not be taken away? Which one is the right one? Which one is okay? How do I get this off my mind? How do I stop this?

When will I deserve it?