Possible Happiness.

You've turned my unhappy day into an amazing smile. Just to see everything seem to go wrong, but ending the day in laughter. I feel extremely better. Yet more motivation to become a better person in all that I do. I can't even find the perfect words to write this out. I can't even think of how to explain it! I know I'm bound to react this way, but it's for a reason. Obviously.

I'm amazed at how this happiness is even possible in our situation...

Despite It, On I Love.

Do I do this to myself every single time? It’s just so extremely hard to avoid a determined heart. When the silence falls around me, this rush of pain finds its way to my eyes. I immediately react but fail miserably to stop it. As the weather cries outside, I wish its sunny days related to me more. The moment I do find that hope, I keep it. But somehow it’s too hard to let it paste a smile on my face. It’s like fighting in a battle and continuously falling. And yet I still get up each time.

Is it so wrong of me feel the way I feel? I know I must be strong, but that doesn’t stop the fact that it all hurts. I used to live for tomorrow by telling myself things will be better eventually. And although I believed my days would get brighter in time, I needed to be content with now. I didn’t want to miss out on my today.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel like there’s this big knife stabbing into my heart. And it doesn’t go away. I have no way to explain myself anymore. I don’t even know what to write… I just repeat myself over and over and over, as if to convince myself that I know why this has happened and that writing it out will help me. Putting it all into words has never been so tough. I don’t want to walk away though. I don’t want to give up and become a failure. I don’t want to take the “easy road.”

I will keep going. I will keeping loving.

I Cannot!

I literally cannot find another reason to write! I spent a moment here thinking and I just cannot think of anything else that gives me reason to grab words from my head. All the words end up forming into the same thing, allowing me to repeat myself in many different ways. I've become conscious of this fact over time, but now I actually took into consideration the possibility of writing about something else. But alas, nothing comes to mind that will cause me to want to write. Maybe it is not I who can write, but the life I live that places itself into words to somehow explain myself. Letters flow naturally into words that begin to explain it all perfectly. I'm fond of this and I possibly never want to stop.

I am now avoiding writing the word "you," because I'm often inclined to do so. I cannot shut my mind down. I find it at full speed repeatedly and speaking through silence generally helps. The effect I have received is impossible to evade. Not that I've tried, but that it's impossible.

So there I have it. I just cannot find any other reason that gives me inspiration to write so freely. In a very indirect way, I have included what I always write about. Somehow.

I somehow mentioned you. ;)

Just For You.

Now I understand.

The reality of the matter has finally hit my mind. It's not you who stabs my heart. I've viewed you as a treasure and I've come to hate when someone pours dirt on you. This affects you because I truly mean I care for you. Our bond has taught me that we can't get what we want and like it. Because I never wanted this before I knew you. We are introduced to who we need and what's meant to be is impossible to leave. The only things that bother me are the things that make you less than who I know you're meant to be. You're only a top priority in my life because you made it this far. I never wanted anyone to make it this far unless they were supposed to stay.

I am not criticizing you, I'm just so determined to see you polished. I find no reason to feel wrong that I want you to remain a shiny treasure. If my care makes you uncomfortable, it's because you're hurting me internally without trying. The more I set you high, the more you know your words will be daggers to my heart. But I have chosen this, and I know you are capable of turning those daggers into roses. But I am going to care for you no matter what. I have become strong through my weakness.

If I cared not for your life, I would not waste my time crying. Your smile does wonders because you are not just someone I know, but someone I trust. A feeling of safety and respect. I could tell the big difference when I received the lack of respect from others. I find myself thankful for God allowing you to stay. I only tried pushing you away because I was so scared to listen to feelings. But perhaps I wanted to watch you come back. Maybe somehow I knew you'd always come back, and I pushed as hard as I can, yet still keeping that hope that I was doing the wrong thing. I could never be content with your absence in my life. A life without peace on that matter would eternally obliterate me.

This is my honesty. If I ever do find a scratch on your surface, I will not scold you for it. I will polish it. I naturally want to reach out to you because I think you deserve love. I can sit in front of you and feel just right, forgetting about anything negative. You're perfection to me in an imperfect form. I say this because I find it true--not to win you over. Can you honestly deny our bond? We read each other's minds and blurt our similar thoughts. Neither one of us can explain that, but I really don't find need to. Someone like you and someone like me somehow made it through very tough situations.

I almost thought that my unconditional love and patience that I strive to have is the only reason we're still friends. But I know somewhere deep down in your heart you understand the connection that holds us in place here just like I do. I've only made it this far because I truly do mean all the things I've said to you. Every time I see you, eventually I have this urge to say something new that goes on in my mind, but then over time I dismiss it with hesitation and stalling. It's not that I'm scared, but that I think things are meant to be said on perfect timing. My hesitation and the act of stalling has helped me wait things out.

I've grown a fear of hurting you, of losing you, and of starting an argument. But I have dealt with these fears so that I may look at you and understand that you shouldn't be treated as an enemy. And I should not fear you. You are the sole reason why I have learned that unconditional love is definitely a requirement when I mean what I say. Had I not meant anything, I would have walked away. But here I am. Until you understand why I'm here, I will be figuring out why you're here. I'd pray you away again, but I don't want to be selfish anymore. I did it because I thought I couldn't handle what I've handled for over a year now. God proved me wrong.

Here I am writing, trying my best to use this talent to speak volumes to a one-person audience. You told me once that I could use this to reach out to people. So here I am using it for you too. I could spend hours thanking you, but you should know by now you are highly praised. Even if just by me.

This will only make you feel different because it's true. I wrote this just for you.