Gravity.

Gravity means we weren't meant to fly away. A force keeps us grounded on where we are at. We jump up, we come back down. We rise, we fall. It's this tug at our hearts when we try to escape where we're meant to be. Why must it be so powerful? I now only tug just to see if it still has its same effect and it does. The more powerful it becomes, the weaker I grow trying to go against it. But only a few failed attempts later, I'm right back where I started.

You may push me away, but I shall apologize for my constant returns. Your gravity is the one to blame, but you're not too terrible to return to. This force is obviously created by your addictive aroma. When I do get disappointed, you too easily turn beautiful all over again. Your words have hooks, and they fly from your mouth and into my heart. I turn my eyes away for but a moment, then straight back at you they become.

I cry to understand what my heart's trying to tell me. Only the tears can explain its full explanation. Do you laugh at my torture? Am I the only one trying to understand this gravity? I'm searching deep and far to discover the puzzle we're in. All the while I'm growing to love you a lot more than I had imagined. Only because I never imagined it on our first day. I cannot stop what is happening, and I only wish we both woke up with a different situation.

My greatest and sincere apologies that I am incapable of fully grasping the honest truth with you. Each time I try I fail miserably upon the breaking of my heart. I'm too scared to stare into that door that I turn away all too quickly. It makes almost no sense at all to me and I wish I didn't have to understand. But I've promised to love you and nothing you can do will stop me. From your very eyes to the deepest part of your heart, I will love you. Even if you are never to ever return this commitment and faithfulness.

Your gravity is the best force I've ever walked into. Beside all the pain and sorrow that follows, every magnificent moment spent with your entire being truly makes up for it. The good overpowers the bad in far more ways than one. I cannot lie to you and pretend that this is not all true behind my eyes. You may very well read me like a book, granted I do not turn my gaze. Please understand with genuineness that I will not be walking away. I've decided I do not want to give up. Whether it takes one day, or a lifetime, I will be waiting for you. Because as long as I'm around in your life, I will always want to be that one person who loves you unconditionally. I cannot bear the thought of losing you to someone who was not challenged to love you like I have been. I cannot bear the thought of losing you to someone you made it easy for. And I cannot bear the thought of losing you to someone....who later realized they couldn't love you if you did not feel the same.

I desire a future with you always in it, and I'm willing to love you even if you do not desire the same with me.

I shall thank the power of gravity that I have not walked away from you.

His Smile.

She liked his smile. She tried complimenting him through his hand brushed back hair. The sun was practically set and the sky was a gray-blue. But he still shined to her while their eyes greeted each other and conversed. She playfully walked around him and he purposely stopped in his tracks when she was directly behind him. She knew he'd do it, but it shocked her anyway. They continued their walk with random laughter and awkward comments.

She knows he comes across to her in ways that aren't exactly true. It always looks the way it isn't when they're happy. It may be partially true, but perhaps its not her place to determine that until he proves she's wrong. But while she is around him, she forgets most of those facts that come to mind during his absence. She enjoys his company to its full extent. But when it's over, the cycle starts all over again.

When she causes his anger to appear, her heart cracks. Her immediate response is to reverse his feelings back to a better mood. Yet after all those moments go by and his eyes go back to smiling, they laugh over the tiff that happened. It is the part of their bond she values the most and too often forgets. The true forgiveness that should never leave their friendship. Maybe it plays the biggest role in what keeps them in each other's lives. Maybe it's one of the greatest reasons why they can still be happy.

At the end of the night she thanks him for all the things they did that day. He thanks her back and she slowly stalls her way out of his car. But the moment before she closes the door to head inside her house, she always remembers his smile. Walking away from that one special treasure she found, a part of her leaves with him. She often looks back to watch him drive away.

He is the diamond you do not want to lose, nor break. The item you find in a store that you cannot put down. He is the perfect decoration to her life, and to remove him from this spot is the very equaling to death. His eyes are windows to the most beautiful home. His touch is that split second of strength and comfort, and the effects of a burning flame. The love that remains in her lungs keeps her breathing, and she cannot stop. His presence is this magnetic force and her opposite end attracts. Everywhere he goes, she feels this tug. And the further he runs, the harder it pulls.

The chains that keep her here are hardly noticeable for him. He is not tied to her, but she is tied to him. No matter what he does, what he says, and where he goes, she loves him. In every situation, every argument, every painful word he might speak, she loves him. In every scream, every hit, every stab in her heart, she loves him. In every smile, every compliment, every gift, she loves him. There is nothing he can ever do to cause her to completely stop.

She liked his smile. Because it was directly at her.

Indestructible.

Indestructible | May 15, 2010

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

There may be bruises, cuts, scabs, and blisters, but they always heal. And as long as they can heal, it’s meant to stay alive. So why shall we try to destroy it? What gives us that want to just end what is good? Perhaps the confusion of why something so good hurts so much? Because it’s not the way it feels like it is? Because your heart feels so close to bursting? But yet you do not want to just let go. You fear more the pain of letting go than the pain of holding on. And you’d rather suffer just to keep that good thing around.

I may not understand why I couldn’t go through with it. Or maybe I do. Maybe I had the thought that if I took away what I gave you, you’d miss it. And as I’d slowly die inside, I’d miss it too. Maybe I wanted a reason to cherish it even more because I couldn’t handle it being gone. But you scared me. I had this fear that if I destroyed it now, you’d never let me get it back. If I couldn’t handle it, I was scared to think that I couldn’t get it back. It’s not what I wanted, to allow the bond we have to dissipate. If I could have one thing in the world forever, it would be you.

I felt completely lost waking up the next day. Soon enough I realized what happened and the tears started forming. I couldn’t say good-bye to you. I couldn’t throw away my most precious treasure. I’d rather suffer because I can’t fully have you than suffer because you’re never around. And yet we reminisced at random moments, and pointed out each other’s qualities. There was still little moments of laughter, and our reminder that we created something. So I cried and continued to do so because I love you. And it’s the only decision I even want to make.

You’re the one I never knew I wanted until it was shoved in my face. I find joy in the simple things we do. But I cry because I never want it to end. I never want it to get worse. And I never want to have to say good bye to everything we’ve created. You’ve placed reminders of yourself in every area of my life. You sit so comfortably in my heart and I can’t imagine anyone else taking that seat. You listen to me so intently when I talk, as if my say matters to you. I’ve come to very much appreciate that because I was never used to someone like you. Can you imagine how much more I just do not want to let you go?

I love you with my whole entire heart. Through the very good times, and the very bad. I always feel you deserve my patience and I could never be content without it. And as much as I want you happy, I’m too selfish to let you go. I’m too selfish to watch you walk away because I want to remain that person who always loves you. I want to love you, just so I can love you right. I feel so chained here in your life with no desire to abandon you. And I just cannot make that choice to destroy what we have. But as long as you want to keep it, know that I do love you.

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

May I Ask Why?

It's a pretend okay, not necessarily true contentment. I guess so, at least. If I ran away, would that solve all my problems? I can't even dream it away; I'm nightly reminded. The secrets I crave are worth the wait, but far long overdue. When I'm so low to the ground, I'm crawling, trying so completely hard to hold my head up and look forward. Moments after moments I pause that crawl and cry myself to reality. There I find a slap in the face and the war within me starts all over again.

I wake up the next day and continue to breathe. I occupy myself with things, which often turn into only just trying to find something. I smile when expected to, I laugh when alas! I am distracted. But the quiet steps I take, back at home and alone in my room speak to me volumes. The silence of my breath, the heaviness of my heart, it's unbearable. I turn on a low light, I take a deep breath, and sit myself upon my bed. After enough painful quietness, I allow my mind to take flight.

These chains I prayed away, these chains could only stay. Running is made hard, jerked back, I cannot do it. I look to God who knows me well and stare upward with tears. I weep and weep to Him, asking Him why...over and over again. Then I tell Him I want to keep fighting, I want to get up and walk. I don't want to give up in everything and fall down. But I admit my weakness and I seek His strength. I know that somehow He pours it down on me at that moment and as I fall asleep, He renews my strength.

Yet again I continue this cycle. And it always ends in "Why?" But that exact question puts me back on my feet... To continue on.