Unfair.

The other night I had this extreme breakdown. Suddenly I began to truly and genuinely miss you and how we used to be. I cried so incredibly hard that I had to get up from my laying position in bed, and curl up in a ball to contain the pain. It was unexpected, it really was. I began to play the first album of songs I created for you and I let it all just come out. Soon after I wobbled my way to my closet and pulled out your sweater. The one you gave me about three Christmas's ago. I hugged it, even if the part of you is completely faded from it. Then I went to my jewelry box and finally pulled out the ring you gave me that I had purposely put away for about two months.

I finally allowed myself to let you know how I have missed you in words the very next night. In return, I received nothing at all. And as reality once again hit my heart--that I have lost you--I felt quite broken for a moment. Now my mind merely wishes for the past now, because I cannot feel it anymore. You are not here, and even when you seem to appear for a moment, you leave so utterly fast. If I stop communication, we don't communicate.

I'm the only string holding us together. And if I pull back, we will be nothing.

This is quite unfair... :'(

The Way.

I've realized at this moment that I sincerely miss picking on you, laughing over the oddest things, getting lost out of town, sniffing candles, listening to my songs loud in the car, realizing we yelled in a public place, and worrying about the future instead of now living in it.

That's the way I loved you. :'(

For that I have cried for you tonight.

Patrick's Day.

Dear Moose,

You're gone now. I'm not sure where you went, or if you'll come back. But you're gone. The person that has taken your place is so much different. He doesn't know me as well as you did. You always understand what was important to me, even if it was silly or serious. It's really hard letting you go, knowing you've disappeared. It's hard because that's how beautiful you were to me. Today is our day, Patrick's Day, as you know. Unfortunately we cannot be crazy together on this day, like we did the past three years. I'll miss you a little bit extra this day.

It's been a few weeks since I've detected that you weren't you anymore. It was a rather quick fade, it seems. I can feel the pain physically, wanting to cry. I'm trying to calm it down by writing this, but it's forming inside of my throat. I'm too fragile now, I suppose.

Since you are gone, I'm not sure what I'm holding onto. I wish you'd come back today, but I have no control over that. We had such a detailed past and history with each other. For it to end abruptly is quite a stab in the most sensitive part of my heart. The sad thing is you didn't warn me you'd be leaving. You didn't say goodbye, which is fine, as I dislike goodbyes. But I had no idea I'd  be losing you this way.

I'll miss you forever and a day until you return.

Love,
Schtiffnay

In His Eyes.

Oh, if I could just go back in time when I was so happy at your return in my life. I know things have changed dramatically so, and in a way I lost all of that. But I'll stay strong as best as I could and I shall not forget a single good memory of you and I. I worked so hard to get to where I'm at now. I loved for so long and for so much. I do hope you saw all of it. I hope it didn't go unnoticed. I hope you see far and deep into it that this whole time, God was showing you how deep in love He is with you. If you do reject His offer, I sincerely hope you reconsider because I now know how heartbreaking it feels. God allowed me to see this by using our situation and I will not come out unmoved.

God has promises, just as He reminds us with the rainbow after a storm. That even when things get dark and gray, He provides a way out and fills our life with color and light. No matter what we do against Him, He will forgive and He will not flood this earth again. Because He will forgive us, through His Son, who died on that cross for us. I understand this so much more now, as I would die for you. And if I would do so, how much more can God love you that He already sent Jesus to do that!

I love you as the one person God put in my life on perfect timing to teach me how great He is.

I hope you choose the right path in life and that maybe...I'll get to see you in the future.