The last few days for me have been filled with utter joy, peace, hope, and confidence. I feel so much closer to a point in my life where I do not have to suffer with fear. I've been overcoming it so much, and God has given me hope in new circumstances. It's like a new spark set off inside of me and I have this burning passion to be happy for God. This is the medicine I needed. I had some bad weeds still in my life that I needed to walk away from. And sadly they were people. But I needed to step away and take the path God has given me without being so held back.
The new year is coming, and I have full faith that God has great things in store for me. I know the past few years He was building me and shaping me into exactly who He knew I needed to be. He knew what my true desires were, and He wanted to make it worth it. For that I am thankful and amazed. I would have never known in the years before, but I'm starting to understand now. I feel stronger and happier than ever!
Perhaps God has opened a new door that'll lead to a new beginning. I finally feel content and ready with no desire to become impatient about this. What has been shown to me is a new and old familiar hope. A hope that what I once dreamed of comes in reality-form after all. It's like discovering a moment you thought you once discovered but you become fully aware that it is happening for the first time. Is it possible to just know upon first glance that you've found the correct dream?
With 2013 around the corner, I'm beginning to feel happier than ever. It's like God set it all up to clean up a mess and lead me to a new chapter in life right at last minute. I feel at ease for the things I've waited for. It's like I just needed to know it existed. Perhaps I finally found that beautiful something. Even if it's just another glimpse of the truth, it's the most beautiful hope of all.
Just to know that someone like him exists.
I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Another Letter to the FH.
Dear Future Husband,
I remember years ago when I first committed myself to you. I began daydreaming with the most intense details. I imagined you as this amazing person that would be extremely worth the wait. I'd write you letters during class and pray daily that God would protect you. I'd write you poems and dedicate images to you. I didn't even have to know you, I just knew that one day I would and you'd be lovely. I was going to marry you, after all! Now that over six years have passed, I've not forgotten how dedicated I was.
As you'll soon know, I went through a lot of pain eventually. My letters to you dramatically decreased as a new friend came along. I was called to fulfill a purpose though. Maybe in a way that was how God took my mind out of the clouds and into reality because He knew I needed to grow to become the future wife you would deserve. But when I look back, I see that the opportunity for a relationship never rose. Perhaps that was God's way of answering my prayer and I just could never see it that way. Maybe you weren't ready, and He needed to fulfill these past six years in preparing both of us while apart.
I became distracted for years with the giant task I was given, and when I finally came out of it, there was someone place into my life for just a little bit. That person helped me confirm that I was very well capable of loving hard all over again. But they also helped me put all that I previously learned to the test. I guess God needed to test me. For me to understand what I learned, and what it really means to apply it to my life. And that lesson was to be patient, trust God, and not expect certain things in return when we choose to give. Maybe at this point you and I still weren't ready.
But now it is the very end of the year and I feel like I just got a glimpse of you. I've gained more hope than ever that there is indeed someone quite close to what I once could only imagine. And even if this particular person gets removed from my life as well, at least I now know what I'm looking for. I still imagine you to be quite amazing. And one thing is for certain...you will love God and serve Him too. Because that's how I'll find you.
Sincerely,
Your Future Wife
p.s.
I'll be there soon. :)
I remember years ago when I first committed myself to you. I began daydreaming with the most intense details. I imagined you as this amazing person that would be extremely worth the wait. I'd write you letters during class and pray daily that God would protect you. I'd write you poems and dedicate images to you. I didn't even have to know you, I just knew that one day I would and you'd be lovely. I was going to marry you, after all! Now that over six years have passed, I've not forgotten how dedicated I was.
As you'll soon know, I went through a lot of pain eventually. My letters to you dramatically decreased as a new friend came along. I was called to fulfill a purpose though. Maybe in a way that was how God took my mind out of the clouds and into reality because He knew I needed to grow to become the future wife you would deserve. But when I look back, I see that the opportunity for a relationship never rose. Perhaps that was God's way of answering my prayer and I just could never see it that way. Maybe you weren't ready, and He needed to fulfill these past six years in preparing both of us while apart.
I became distracted for years with the giant task I was given, and when I finally came out of it, there was someone place into my life for just a little bit. That person helped me confirm that I was very well capable of loving hard all over again. But they also helped me put all that I previously learned to the test. I guess God needed to test me. For me to understand what I learned, and what it really means to apply it to my life. And that lesson was to be patient, trust God, and not expect certain things in return when we choose to give. Maybe at this point you and I still weren't ready.
But now it is the very end of the year and I feel like I just got a glimpse of you. I've gained more hope than ever that there is indeed someone quite close to what I once could only imagine. And even if this particular person gets removed from my life as well, at least I now know what I'm looking for. I still imagine you to be quite amazing. And one thing is for certain...you will love God and serve Him too. Because that's how I'll find you.
Sincerely,
Your Future Wife
p.s.
I'll be there soon. :)
Friday, December 21, 2012
Endings and Beginnings.
Closing a book you've been in for years can be tough. Mainly because you may not know how. But sometimes in order to let go of the past, you have to let go of someone who was in it. Not that it's impossible to move on otherwise, but that the only person you can change is yourself. Sometimes their lack of change can pull you backwards. If I'm reaching toward a goal and walking a path that is complete opposite of them, how will I make it to that goal unless I let go?
Today marks the most silent goodbye I've ever done. It's the day I officially close the book I've read for too long. It needed its ending because the hope of a sequel was crushed years ago. I learned a different lesson though. I learned something entirely different than what I would have imagined. I had a completely different purpose than what I thought years ago.
I am ready now for new beginnings. I realized that I could not reach this point without God putting an end to some other things. The life I have chosen is to live for God, serve only Him, and love others just as I love myself. In this way, I hope to shine my light into the dark world and practice perseverance. I'll never shut anyone out of my life, but I will also not turn around to please them. I must keep walking forward because I cannot afford to go down such a dark path again. Not that I previously tried to, but that I've too often felt broken in the past and I want to be healed.
With this new life I intend to enter will come a new year as well. This New Year is something I'm looking forward to. I want to fully overcome a fear, control my mind more, and live without expecting. Although I have my personal dreams and wants, I understand that everything works together for good for those who trust God. He has a beautiful plan and I intend to discover this plan. This is who I am, merely a pilgrim passing through and I'd like to make a difference somehow.
It's not the end of the world, as we know. But I will say that it has become the end of an old life for me. Time to look ahead and find my new beginnings!
Today marks the most silent goodbye I've ever done. It's the day I officially close the book I've read for too long. It needed its ending because the hope of a sequel was crushed years ago. I learned a different lesson though. I learned something entirely different than what I would have imagined. I had a completely different purpose than what I thought years ago.
I am ready now for new beginnings. I realized that I could not reach this point without God putting an end to some other things. The life I have chosen is to live for God, serve only Him, and love others just as I love myself. In this way, I hope to shine my light into the dark world and practice perseverance. I'll never shut anyone out of my life, but I will also not turn around to please them. I must keep walking forward because I cannot afford to go down such a dark path again. Not that I previously tried to, but that I've too often felt broken in the past and I want to be healed.
With this new life I intend to enter will come a new year as well. This New Year is something I'm looking forward to. I want to fully overcome a fear, control my mind more, and live without expecting. Although I have my personal dreams and wants, I understand that everything works together for good for those who trust God. He has a beautiful plan and I intend to discover this plan. This is who I am, merely a pilgrim passing through and I'd like to make a difference somehow.
It's not the end of the world, as we know. But I will say that it has become the end of an old life for me. Time to look ahead and find my new beginnings!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Impatience.
Dear God,
The truth is, I am suffering with some sort of impatience disease. Not that I act upon it, but that my mind gets lost so easily. It begins to imagine something I've never even had, and immediately it affects my heart. Is this Your way of showing me that it's almost time? Because it's always toughest right before we reach the finish line. Whenever I see the tiniest glimpse of what it could be, I suddenly feel completely ready for it. But if I'm clearly not ready for it, I sincerely pray you help me endure through these awful impatient feelings.
You've given me such a big heart, God. I have a longing to be a wife someday so that I can care for someone, stand by their side, and encourage them when they're feeling down. This would absolutely mean so much to me and I promise I would take care of him. I'd appreciate it beyond measure, I'd put forth effort to keep it alive, and never cease to water the relationship. You must have someone incredibly amazing that it has taken this long for us to meet.
May You open our eyes to find each other on Your very perfect timing, so that our waiting can come to an end. So that I can be his helper through thick and thin. That's really all I wish for this Christmas.
Genuinely,
Stephanie Ann
The truth is, I am suffering with some sort of impatience disease. Not that I act upon it, but that my mind gets lost so easily. It begins to imagine something I've never even had, and immediately it affects my heart. Is this Your way of showing me that it's almost time? Because it's always toughest right before we reach the finish line. Whenever I see the tiniest glimpse of what it could be, I suddenly feel completely ready for it. But if I'm clearly not ready for it, I sincerely pray you help me endure through these awful impatient feelings.
You've given me such a big heart, God. I have a longing to be a wife someday so that I can care for someone, stand by their side, and encourage them when they're feeling down. This would absolutely mean so much to me and I promise I would take care of him. I'd appreciate it beyond measure, I'd put forth effort to keep it alive, and never cease to water the relationship. You must have someone incredibly amazing that it has taken this long for us to meet.
May You open our eyes to find each other on Your very perfect timing, so that our waiting can come to an end. So that I can be his helper through thick and thin. That's really all I wish for this Christmas.
Genuinely,
Stephanie Ann
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