I Can Tell You Now.

I can tell you how I'll feel before I even see you. I know exactly what I'll be thinking and what things you say that will highly affect me. Sadly, I am much too used to this cycle. We ride around it like a playlist on loop. I've come to dream to hear a new song, but I won't jump to something new without you.

When I see you, I am going to feel nervous. I get anxious right before you arrive and I calm myself by taking deep breaths. When I see you, one million thoughts will cross my mind at once. Then I'll act like I'm being what you call normal and spit out words just to remain calm. I won't be calm at all though, I can tell you that. My hands might shake a little as I hide them so you don't notice. You'll look happy, you'll be smiling, and you'll be acting completely normal since it's easy for you. Nothing will be happening with you the way it will be with me and I'll be thinking about that too. Traveling deep into my heart I'll  be taking note on that and it'll stab me slightly and I'll add it to my jar of reasons to cry. Once I receive enough reasons, that jar will explode later on when you're gone.

We'll eat together and it'll feel so special. Everyone around us might assume we're a couple and I'll realize I'm thinking of their thoughts too. I'll try my best to ignore that and I'll enjoy your company. Then I'll look into your eyes and remember what we're not. You see, I'm horrible at this. And the only way for it to stop, the only way for me to not react this way is to leave you. To never see you again and pretend like our friendship never existed. Of course, I cannot escape what pain that would bring me unless I chose to ignore that too. But it is impossible for the human mind to choose to forget something that previously meant a lot.

When you leave and drive away, I'll watch you. I'll realize how great I felt around you and take a deep breath before sighing it off. I'll slowly walk inside, looking around the tiny house, and as I walk to my room, I'll tear up. I'll sit in the silence and eventually the tears will pour harshly down my face. I'll cry out to God, asking for yet another dose of strength and faith and stand back up. Once the crying stops, I'll continue on and ask how you're doing each day until I see you again. I'll love you no matter what and I'll wait even if I'm waiting for a long time.

But who knows. Maybe you'll prove me wrong tomorrow. Maybe you'll give us a new playlist. Either way, I'll sing along.