I Was Meant To.

For so long I have written blogs showing how I've made it through this battle. I have filled up journals and written one too many letters to you. I've bought more just-because gifts as time went by. I've let you go and loved you all over again. For this long it has remained the same situation and I ask myself, "Why am I still waiting?"

I know the answer though. You see, it was and is my calling to unconditionally love you. I know it is. God gave me just the right amount of patience for you. He has poured inside of me just the right amount of love. And He has given me the right amount of strength to endure, no matter what you would say to me. No matter what could have hurt me, He taught me to forgive. And the greatest thing I could have ever done for you was to love anyway.

That is who I am for you. As hard as it is and as tough as it's been, I keep loving. If you don't know why, if you've yet to figure it out, you have to ask God Himself for that answer. Why on earth would He have sent you a Stephanie? Why would He put me in your life at the time that He did? And why would I stay this long just to still love you? I've struggled with my own desires causing me to cry at night. The fearful thought of losing you yet again has caused heavy tears because life is so much better with you in it.

But yet I inevitably wonder what it would feel like if this was all over? I wonder what it feels like to be loved and desired the same way I do to you, but in return. I wonder how it would feel like to be hugged out of mere affection. I wonder what it would be like if the exact person that I have grown to love saw me just the way I saw him. I cannot force it, I cannot ask for it, and I do not want to expect it. But I cry for it. Am I really this human? Oh, if I could deserve anything I'd want it to be you. :(

Despite all of the odds, I'm determined to continuously love you. I am determined to find what makes you happy and try my best. I'll give you space when you need it and you'll only have to ask once. I'll greet you when you come and I'll smile when you're near. I'll be patient when you're upset and I'll be quiet when you need silence. I'll tend to your needs when I am able and I'll listen when you speak. I was meant to do this. I know I was.