Unfortunate.

The unfortunate fact is that I still cry every so often. I'll still think about you the way I have for almost 4 years. When I travel without you, there's a part of me that desires to include you in any way that I can, even if with just a simple picture. When I'm alone, I remember the best things about us. I'm often so confused as to how it went the way it went with how well we worked together.

You were my "special" somebody when everyone else would speak highly of their special someone's. You were the one I would look forward to a text from just to see how your day went or to express how I was enjoying my day as well. When someone broke me down, you were the one that would build me right back up. You were the one that would listen to me when I'd have a million things on my mind. I hated losing you once, and now I feel incredibly weak with the thought of losing you yet again.

I know exactly what's still inside my heart not only when all is silent and I lay in bed at night, but when I am far from home, you're the first thought on my mind. When I'd travel, I'd feel like I only left one thing back home that is important, one reason to return. And it is you. I know this all, I've come to memorize my reactions, my feelings, my thoughts, and everything that involves you in the past few years.

I'll still question why I had to meet you, why I had to feel this way, why we had to work so well together. Why did you have to be the way you are making me feel the way I do? Why did all this drama occur only to be left at where it is now? Why would I have to go through such heartbreak just for an even bigger heartache of losing you to someone else? Someone who most likely doesn't know you as well as I do. Someone who may not even know the tiniest details, like your favorite color and number. Someone who probably doesn't know who I am and was in your life.

I cannot at all comprehend any of this. If you never spoke a word and if I only knew you by your actions, I would have been under a strong assumption that you loved me more. I feel horrible sometimes for how constantly I question what God could be doing because it's sometimes hard to keep believing something will change. But I do. I still believe. I cannot stop believing because I hope for it. I hope for a dramatic change in scenery. This is painful. Utterly painful.

I am whole-heartily still in love with your entire being and I desire with a deep passion that you would see how deep that love goes. That you would see yourself the way God sees you. That you would understand the God inside of me is still INCREDIBLY IN LOVE WITH YOU! And I see it. I still see it. He still has allowed me to feel that and see that. I do not understand why, as I fail miserably with my feelings. Sometimes there is no other way to express, to let go, to release the pain but to let it pour outside of me in those warm, heavy tears.

Too often I miss you. Mainly because I know I have lost a huge part of you. I've never fully had you, but I've always fully loved you. I've battled for so long. I wanted to fight so hard for you because you were so worth it to me. For the first time in my life I was willing to fight harder than ever. But instead I made you feel guilty. :( I put you in an awkward position. What a torturous position I had in your life.

I'm so sorry, Moose. But I cannot lie... Perhaps no one knows how much it hurts to love someone so very much, from the deepest part of your heart, with the intense love God can give, and for them to be unable to return that.

The point I ever wanted to make though was that I would love you nonetheless.