I Need You.

Dear God, I know you've moved me on, you've changed me, and removed me from a really hard situation. But the truth is, I find myself missing having such a big purpose in someone's life. I remember I invested so much into it. I'm able to accept having another calling, another task, and someday loving another human being like that and more. But the longer I go without it, the more I feel like it's missing.

I know You complete me, and You're the reason why I've been able to be happy and believe. But what was the reason behind that huge battle? I change, I did. But what about the prayers I prayed? Is it not over? I'm so sorry that I constantly keep asking You why. I know You're moving me to something greater. But having that particular human being around shows me the slight little happiness I once had and how it's still there. It shows me the companionship I got to develop. It breaks my heart just a bit to now be at such a loss for actions.

I have this dream, that maybe you'll introduce to me someone who will be all that and more. He will help me learn what it feels like for something completely new and different, with much more hope. I don't want to hold on to someone who cannot give back what I deliver. I don't want to hold on to someone that I am not meant to be with. I don't want to hold on to someone that does not desire me. Truthfully, I want to be satisfied with You. But no matter how many times I tell myself, after I smile for you, I still have to fight off that longing.  You made me this way. I'm aware that You know that.

So I simply ask You this tonight. That you grant me the patience to endure this. That you fill inside of me the proper love for not only You, but the "one" you made me for. That I can recognize who he is and finally be able to openly love him without holding back. Please, God. I just want to be able to love someone deeply without the added hardship of unrequited desires or love. If there is no one for me, please take these desires away. It hurts an incredible amount. I don't want to make such a mistake and hurt myself. It seems You've protected me all this time.

But where is he? Craving his nearness and care is difficult. Please take it away, God. Please. I do not know how. I really don't. I've tried and tried, but I cannot. I have this sort of sticky heart. It likes to latch on to someone, even if I'm picky. And I am finding myself confused for the first time as to who it is stuck to. Where has it gone? Where is my heart!? 

You are all I need, and I just want some guidance in this time. I feel like my trip to England next year holds deeper meaning than I know. Adjust my feelings, straighten my focus, and forgive me for being this confused. I know You have a plan for my life. But my old purpose that lasted 4 years seemed to have come to an end this past Summer. Now I find myself lost.

What was the real purpose in that?

Sincerely,

Your Confused Child,

Stephanie Ann

p.s.

I really need You this time.