The Fear of Rejection.

Seven years ago when I could only dream of what my future would hold, I would have never imagined facing the fear of rejection. Maybe we all have a slight hint of it inside of us, never wanting to be turned down. But it has messed with my mind and my heart. With God though I feel like I can overcome it better in the moment that it occurs. When thoughts begin to somehow, inevitably enter my mind that could very well bring me down if I allow them to. It's not that I think I'm some horrible, undesirable person. I just happen to get very used to one type of behaviour.

That behaviour consists of friendliness and sudden silence. How I got to this point was by enduring through a five-year battle. And by battle, I mean friendship. You see, I grew to admire a human being who gave me a friendship, but could not give more. And although I was fine with that in the beginning, it eventually became all I knew. There were really not hugs, or talks of future, and the dreaded day came when they eventually began dating. I could not seem to rip myself away from this person for the longest time! But then God came to the rescue and made a way of escape for me.

Shortly after it ended, I experienced an indescribable sense of joy for almost a month. This is when I was introduced to the fear that planted itself inside of me during the previous battle. I had to deal with it and overcome. And by doing so, I faced my fear as a new friend came along. This new friend was lovely in the beginning and from lacking a bond without a complicated situation of "friend zone," I was more than willing to give it my all, if the day came.

The day didn't come though. In fact, silence came instead. I too often had to convince myself the individual was just extremely busy, as he explained. But after too many friendly comments, messages, and kind acts went ignored, I gave it all to God and moved on. Losing that friend was okay. I knew that he was not strong enough and I was too in love with God that I could not stand around waiting while being torn down in return.

Holding my head up high, I walked along. I made some goals. I decided I'd visit England, where I felt like God was leading me. I would plan my near future of getting a car, and moving away to where I can find a new job. And although these goals helped me this year through many months after Summer ended, there was a tiny little tug at my heart, wondering when the day would come that I could be cared and loved for in return from someone. I fought it away for years and years, remaining single with friendships that never seemed meant for more.

Maybe inside of me I fear that I'll gain feelings yet again, have desires for someone, and it'll be the past continuously repeating itself. As they do not have a desire to return the interest, I'd fight it away yet again, having difficulty facing this fear because I've yet to see the opposite happen. But yet I know that ultimately, in my heart, I truly believe God has a beautiful person waiting for me. I truly believe He was simply saving me from what I never wanted. From a break-up, an incorrect relationship and such. And maybe I'm merely a day away from meeting that very special human being, made specifically to be with me.

But can I really endure yet another false alarm? Because the next one to come my way somehow is far better than ever before. Something I probably merely dreamed up before, yet became willing for less. I never knew I committed such an act, but I always had a mass amount of faith that could believe God can change anyone. But maybe He had for me someone that didn't need that mass amount of changing because I deserved the best of the best from all this waiting and purity.

I sincerely hope that maybe I've come to the end of the cycle and that I have finally become ready for what God truly does have for me. I'm happy to love someone, be there for them, and grow in God with them. That's who I truly want. The fear of rejection will try to lead me away from that, but I must overcome. I must not allow the thoughts to race through my mind. Allowing me to think that lack of responses means I am not desired. Allowing me to think that communication is an annoyance. Was it ever really any of that? The enemy is out to get me, but I have a God who loves me! And I can make it through.

I'll Be Waiting STILL.

Dear Future Husband,

I've finally come to the point that I understand why I still needed to wait for you (despite the fact that we've yet to meet). But tonight felt like the finishing touch to a huge part in my life. I didn't know of its ending, as it has many false endings. But tonight marked quite the epilogue to that story. It may not be entirely done, but it is nearly there. What it has prepared me for is to give to you a love deeper than anything you've ever received from another human being. It'll be a love that God has placed inside of me, taught me, and bestowed upon me--for you. I have made a huge promise to Him that I will always love you. When you come, I will highly appreciate you. I will fully give myself to you in marriage, and we will be one.

What I needed to learn before meeting you has been placed inside the intense battle I finally overcame. But as life continues on, I'm quite sure that I could use a sidekick. We could shine our lights together unto the world. Through our story, our lives, and our love, we will show this world that God is still powerful and He is still working. I want to grow in Him with you and have you there during those moments I need a hug.

Darling, I am waiting for you as patiently as I can. I made it this far, I've grown so much, and I'm ready to smile right back at you when you come. I may not know the day or hour, but I know it's soon. God knows what you deserve. A part of me feels like I went through all I went through so that I can also be the exact person He desires you to have. And that warms my heart, to know that I will belong to you because God made me in likeness of you.

This Christmas I've asked God if I could just know you. But either way, I'll be waiting. ♥

Love,
Your Future Wife

Long Distant Nonexistent Relationship.

It's like having a long distance relationship in which you receive no replies but you love them tremendously. Only in my case I do not know who they are and it's difficult to imagine who they'll be. But I am quite attached. I feel it is safer to be attached to a thought rather than to an actual person that I know. Because if I attached myself to someone I know, I'd be in an unrequited love relationship and it would only hurt me. But I know I cannot go back down that road.

Each day I've been much better at handling things. I'm keeping my focus on working to earn money so that I could fulfill my wish to travel overseas next Summer. Whatever God has for me will come my way and fit perfectly into my schedule. Sometimes I do wonder if there is anything extra I can do to help certain areas in my life. But I should be thankful that I am alive and not sad anymore.

My emotions have been somewhat up and down, but ultimately I know that I am okay. I want to get lost in God again. I want to feel that intense amount of happiness that I once had. I want to feel the hope deep inside. To see big change in my life all over again. I imagine that there is a lot more to this story of mine, because some things have not come to an end yet. But I really hope that they do. Soon.

But each night that I lay down to rest, I enter this imaginary world where I have a special someone right next to me. I'm not sure what is taking him so long to come along. I know he has to be out there, and I've been waiting for him with a pure heart. But no one else seems to cross my path, so I live each new day in hopes that our meet will be soon. And even though there are occasionally some who seem to be seeking or showing interest in me via personal messages on networking sites, no part of me feels drawn and not attractions occurs.

Maybe I have this image in my head that causes me to feel like I'm waiting to see a certain type of human being. But so far I've only met a glimpse of him. Now I'm curious of the real deal. I'm under the impression I may not be meeting him this year, but perhaps next year. Good thing this year is nearing its end! But I must endure yet another set of holidays without him. I really want this year to be the last year that I spend Christmas without him! I'm not sure where to look, but I hope that as I continue on in my life, with nothing holding me back, he will appear on perfect timing and I he will not give up on me.

Me Again.

Dear Future Husband,

I'm nearly going crazy without you again. God brings me out of so many different emotions I've dealt with. But I keep recognizing your absence and it runs deeper each time. I keep hoping that you'll come out of nowhere and for once I will understand the hope I've longed for. As much as I know to love without expecting, I long to feel the intensity of it being returned to me in the same way. I don't want to expect so much from you, I just have the faith that you'll love me in the ways that I've wondered about.

Please come, I practically beg of you. Come while I am unattached to the wrong person, and I promise I will be patient with you as we get to know each other. If you've not come at all yet, then you must be really amazing because I'm not sure I can imagine what exactly you'll  be like. Once upon a time I imagined bumping into you in the card isle at Walmart and then officially meeting you by the medicine isle. Now reality is here, I'm over a year late on that imagination, and you're nowhere to be found.

But I've been relying on God through everything, I promise, so He must have a different time set for us to meet. And it's all I ask for this Christmas, really. That I can finally meet you.

I somehow love you already. I do.

Love,
Stephanie Ann