The Fear of Rejection.

Seven years ago when I could only dream of what my future would hold, I would have never imagined facing the fear of rejection. Maybe we all have a slight hint of it inside of us, never wanting to be turned down. But it has messed with my mind and my heart. With God though I feel like I can overcome it better in the moment that it occurs. When thoughts begin to somehow, inevitably enter my mind that could very well bring me down if I allow them to. It's not that I think I'm some horrible, undesirable person. I just happen to get very used to one type of behaviour.

That behaviour consists of friendliness and sudden silence. How I got to this point was by enduring through a five-year battle. And by battle, I mean friendship. You see, I grew to admire a human being who gave me a friendship, but could not give more. And although I was fine with that in the beginning, it eventually became all I knew. There were really not hugs, or talks of future, and the dreaded day came when they eventually began dating. I could not seem to rip myself away from this person for the longest time! But then God came to the rescue and made a way of escape for me.

Shortly after it ended, I experienced an indescribable sense of joy for almost a month. This is when I was introduced to the fear that planted itself inside of me during the previous battle. I had to deal with it and overcome. And by doing so, I faced my fear as a new friend came along. This new friend was lovely in the beginning and from lacking a bond without a complicated situation of "friend zone," I was more than willing to give it my all, if the day came.

The day didn't come though. In fact, silence came instead. I too often had to convince myself the individual was just extremely busy, as he explained. But after too many friendly comments, messages, and kind acts went ignored, I gave it all to God and moved on. Losing that friend was okay. I knew that he was not strong enough and I was too in love with God that I could not stand around waiting while being torn down in return.

Holding my head up high, I walked along. I made some goals. I decided I'd visit England, where I felt like God was leading me. I would plan my near future of getting a car, and moving away to where I can find a new job. And although these goals helped me this year through many months after Summer ended, there was a tiny little tug at my heart, wondering when the day would come that I could be cared and loved for in return from someone. I fought it away for years and years, remaining single with friendships that never seemed meant for more.

Maybe inside of me I fear that I'll gain feelings yet again, have desires for someone, and it'll be the past continuously repeating itself. As they do not have a desire to return the interest, I'd fight it away yet again, having difficulty facing this fear because I've yet to see the opposite happen. But yet I know that ultimately, in my heart, I truly believe God has a beautiful person waiting for me. I truly believe He was simply saving me from what I never wanted. From a break-up, an incorrect relationship and such. And maybe I'm merely a day away from meeting that very special human being, made specifically to be with me.

But can I really endure yet another false alarm? Because the next one to come my way somehow is far better than ever before. Something I probably merely dreamed up before, yet became willing for less. I never knew I committed such an act, but I always had a mass amount of faith that could believe God can change anyone. But maybe He had for me someone that didn't need that mass amount of changing because I deserved the best of the best from all this waiting and purity.

I sincerely hope that maybe I've come to the end of the cycle and that I have finally become ready for what God truly does have for me. I'm happy to love someone, be there for them, and grow in God with them. That's who I truly want. The fear of rejection will try to lead me away from that, but I must overcome. I must not allow the thoughts to race through my mind. Allowing me to think that lack of responses means I am not desired. Allowing me to think that communication is an annoyance. Was it ever really any of that? The enemy is out to get me, but I have a God who loves me! And I can make it through.