Figuring it Out.

I think I know what it is. Or I'm beginning to figure it out. I'm not entirely sure. You see, I grew to love a certain human being and managed to build up the love into a very unconditional one. I learned how much I enjoyed being patient with him, I learned how to be silent when he needed space, and I learned how to care for someone through thick and thin. Eventually I had to let this person go, because he never belonged to me. His desires went elsewhere and I was dying inside as four years of fighting passed. Finally I gave my very last bit of strength, and miraculously became released of all that pain and heaviness from the battle.

It all had purpose. It made me into the strongest person I've ever known. And yet that strength is not mine, it is all the strength God allowed me to use because He knew I needed it. After three months of being parted from that once-special human being, he was placed right back into my life and once again became my best friend. Although we have our differences, living two completely different lifestyles, I whole-heartily still love him. I've kept the old desires and wishes in the past but remember exactly how to love with that unconditional love.

The more I think about this, the more afraid I become when I allow thoughts to go deep, like in the past, the more I convince myself otherwise to see something else. He is the closest thing I have to what I imagine I'd want in a relationship someday. He has become the most special example in personality for what I'd love to live everyday of my life with. But I know that for who he is today, right now, is not who I need. And because I cannot change him, I want to accept that he is merely a glimpse.

After three months of vacation and then including him back in my life, I've realized the new person I became. I feel like I can be more sincere with him because I do not want to cause him to feel guilty anymore. I loved him so much, that it was finally enough to let him go with a sincere heart, and no crying. God showed me the impossible I would have never guessed He'd do. But to this day, I can see that my love for that human being was so strong, it lasted even when I felt nothing. It was strong enough to come back because it was and is...real. It is the love that I needed to learn. And the love I'd like to apply to my future husband.

You see, what it is now is that I am twenty-years of age dealing with the cravings for a companion in life. It's normal, I realize, as there are millions of relationships in this world because we all crave something. Love is the most popular word in the world. But to me, it is a sacrifice you make to show someone else they are worth it in this world. I have lacked a nearness from another human being, someone to complete me, for all this time. The deeper the cravings get, the harder it becomes to be patient and wait for right person. But that best friend of mine, being the closest to what I'd desire, is right there. Right with me, in my life, one simple text or call away. He listens to me, is always there for me, and has the capabilities of making me happy.

So the truth is...I desperately desire another sort of form of him, someone who relies on God for their strength, and someone I can be there for as well. Someone who can fulfill the desires I have, someone I can feel okay with. Because I do not want to make my best friend the one I think of every day again and fall right into a trap when I do indeed know he cannot return that to me. And as tempting as it is, I must stay patient so that the human being made just for me can come along and see that I have waited for him and that I am no longer distracted. Because I have learned my lesson.

In other words, he is the only wish I have, whoever he is, wherever he is. And I'm ready to love him HARD. ♥