In My Mind Wasn't Reality.

In my mind I imagined walking away, but on the phone we put a band-aid over the cut. We disconnected and I was smiling? You told me to have a lovely night and I did, yet two hours before that I thought I'd be suffering a bit. The words that couldn't come out completely vanished because apparently they were not meant to be spoken. I was going to tell you that I'll give you what you want. I was going to explain that I'll walk away. We both know we were desiring two different things--or at least you led me to believe so. I could envision a future with you, but you did not want that with me. I thought I would let you win and go along with your decisions. But you didn't even seem to have those decisions I assumed upon you. You didn't even care for me to walk away. In fact, you seemed to like that I stay.

I've gained this rather large trust with you. That if I so fell back and you did not catch me, I would fall until I hit the floor. But I know you would catch me and for that I am thankful. I often accidentally spill out every detail of every situation in my life. But I hide nothing from you because of said trust. In return, you've hinted that you have it too. You can spit out an entire ocean of honesty and I can guarantee I will still love you afterwards and nothing will cause me to look down on you. You can tell me every piece of your heart and I will hold each one dearly close. You can spill out your pain and I will do whatever I can to lighten your load.

In my mind I imagined giving you the key and running as far as I can in hopes you'll run after me. But in reality, you already used that key a long time ago and I was one open heart. You somehow stitched up the cuts and bandaged the wounds that I was accidentally creating. There are no words in every dictionary to describe who you are to me. And, you see, it's not who you are to me that hurts me...it's who I am to you that I cross my fingers to. I've worked hard to get a positive evaluation from you and I've yet to see the results. 

You were created so uniquely, but perfectly set in my path. It's not that you're too lazy to push me away. I truly believe it's because you're too you. And I would not have you any other way.

Much Love,

Stephanie Ann(e)