I Should Not Have Cried Then.

Glancing back at the times I've cried while you were still around causes me to almost regret doing so. I had you right in front of me and wasted time crying over what could happen. And now that it happened, the pain doesn't compare. But I've found peace quickly. My hope remains that God gave us a purpose and His job is not finished. I shouldn't have spent time hurting, or shared that pain with you. I should have always showed how I truly felt. And that was happy when I had you around.

Suddenly it feels as if I have no purpose, but I know I still do. Each day I have no idea why I'm still here. As if you really did give me reason to keep my head up and be strong. Because with you, I had a goal. To make you feel so much like you matter in this world. And you do. You mattered a mass amount to me and as worth it as you were to my heart, you were even more worth it to God.

I almost wish I told you what was told to me. You see, God placed inside of me feelings that resembled His. As much as I deeply cared for you, so did He. He allowed me to ache for you because He desired you to love Him back. You matter to Him so much so, that He sent me to love you the way He wanted you to be loved. It took me a while to be ready for this, and it took a lot for God to prepare me. But He did. He stood me up when I fell, He strengthened me when I went weak... But most importantly, He taught me how to love you just the way you are. What I was told by an almost stranger is that the way I care for your entire life is the way God cares.

To me, this is the most beautiful thing. To be called to reach out to someone who needed it. God uses the most unlikely to do huge tasks. I, the quiet and shy girl who didn't even want to talk to guys, was called to love the complete opposite: a loud and talkative moose. If I could rewind time to your birthday, I'd hug you and never let you go. Interesting enough, when God called me to this...He knew I'd feel this way. And yet He let it happen.