This Christmas.

Just like every other year, I dream up what would be the most lovely Christmas gift that I could ever imagine. But this year, as much as I can dream it still, I've accepted not receiving it. But I know that I got more than I could have imagined already. And that should be enough for me. On top of that, I will get to see your happy face opening the gifts that I intentionally got you. It won't matter what's inside those gifts though, because I've come to truly see that you are a very thankful person. Somehow I know that I can make you happy one way or another. But I feel like the price of those gifts are paying just to see your reaction. In the end, it's really worth it.

Here I sit listening to a mix of songs you put together for me on a CD. I'm listening through the long song you said I wouldn't and you're the only thought on my mind right now. I still wonder if you know that we didn't do this to ourselves. We didn't put ourselves here. It's why I know this all has a vast purpose. And because of that, I have hope that the end of this won't be the heartbreak of you walking away. Having you here this Christmas brings me joy, because at one point we weren't communicating at all. When I think back on those days I feel extremely thankful that it's over.

While you were gone, I put in my mind that I had to let you go. And I did. I let you go because I trusted that God was in control. And I knew you were meant to be in my life. Upon letting you go, I felt somewhat empty, but I walked on. Because I believed you would come back. You were my target to keep walking with a smile. Instead of looking back, I had to look forward. Our memories still held me over during that time. But here I am, today, watching silly videos you send me each new day.

You know me too well. And that's okay. Because you sort of, kind of, really have my heart. And you know you do. So I pray that you're the only man who breaks it and mends it, and holds it forever.

You got me.