I'm perfectly fine until the other person actually shows interest in me. And then I'm completely awkward, annoying, and immediately begin the pushing. I'm sure it would be entirely different if I first genuinely found interest in them. But for the past few years, I've been nonadjustable. My eyes, my heart, my mind, and my hope goes all back to the same thing, the same person, the same existence. I've jerked, I've pulled, I've closed my eyes. But nothing has moved me. Everyone else remains as everyone else, and no one knows how to capture my heart the way you have.
But then I question this. What would happen if you found interest in me? Would I push away, despite my attachment? Would I immediately freak out, not knowing how to react, what to do? It makes me laugh to think of such thoughts. Only because I just could never know unless it really happened. And maybe it bothers me a bit that I wonder it quite often.
Have I been capable of loving you this long because you remain as not belonging to me? Is it because I'm still intrigued by what is still a battle? As if I'm constantly trying to capture you, and the journey is what attracts me? Well, clearly your personality mixed with mine has grown us as close as you allowed us to get. But if I actually won this battle, would I feel I deserve it after all? If you actually returned my genuine love and care, would I back out, deciding I shouldn't have it? Do I expect it? Because I try so hard not to. And if you responded to me with love, I would most likely cry and feel like you only did it to please me.
Perhaps I should stop loving to allow you to feel the lack. As hard as that may be for me, perhaps I should. Maybe under the stars I'll express a silent good-bye to my love.
If you want me to let you go, then go.
I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.
2 comments:
Those are such good questions to ask, especially after so long. I've been in too many relationships that I thought were completely mutual and learned they weren't after I withdrew my effort. Its a sad reality to face, but you shouldn't have to fight so hard for happiness. Even if the end will be rewarding, you deserve someone who will appreciate you the same way you do them. Unrequited love is heart breaking. If you ever need an ear, I'm here for you! <3
I've had my ups and downs, my wonders. But my happiness comes from somewhere else. It's not what I'm seeking, nor what I intend to seek in a person.
I've been told I deserve someone who will care for me, but I have been cared for anyway. He always cared for me. It was a reason why it was so hard to walk away. But I tried to look past my feelings, my thoughts, and ignore it.
To me, life is about BEING someone, not finding someone.
The idea of some guy coming along who can treat me well and love me as much as I have loved doesn't necessarily mean I'll be satisfied, just because he's doing that. If there is still something missing, I don't want to force myself in a relationship like that.
Now I decided I'm going to try much harder to not even want to "be with someone" but just hope that what is meant will happen and I won't worry, wonder, or seek. I have all that I need already, and to me that is God.
With Him, I'll never be unloved, I'll never be alone, ignored, rejected, or fearful. With Him, there is a peace I cannot explain in words. I have found the greatest happiness when I focus on Him. It makes me wish that everyone could experience how this love really feels.
He has given me the strength to endure what I have endured. And I can happily say that I've achieved what seems impossible in this world. To love someone nonetheless and still hold my head up high.
Although I have unconditionally loved my best friend for years now, I simply just hope it shows him how much God loves him. And I am okay with that. I took the hit, the bullet, whatever you may call it, and I once wished I could endure the pain instead of he because I was willing to give my life for them.
That is what I've been taught, and if I died today, I would feel I accomplished a huge thing in life and would be satisfied. My only concern after that would be his life. Is it okay? Will he be okay?
But I've cast my worries away and I'm looking to the brighter days.
When God finds me ready to be in a deep relationship with another human being, it'll happen.
And then I will finally get to love someone with all that I eagerly wait to give! :)
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