Fight the Fear.

I remember those many nights that I used to wonder when everything would be over, when I'd finally feel okay. I stopped understanding the situation I was in and finally fell to the point of uselessness. I uttered the words "I cannot do this" all too often and had nothing left to give. But at that time an entire escape was being set up for me and the ending to such pain was nearing. There was a beautiful prize waiting for me if I just endured until the very end. And I was determined to do so.

I was pulled out right on time by a miracle. Four years ago, when it all started to begin, I remember being told there would be a miracle. I guess I never knew what the miracle would be, but I still continuously held onto that promise. I inevitably tried to guess what it could be, and let that be my hope. The harder it got, the more I questioned what God was doing. But when I'd break down, He'd lead me to "love anyway." So I'd get back up, and continue on.

He knew what He was doing, and He knew exactly how to take me out of it when I was done. Without a single tear, I broke away into this state of utter happiness. It was completely gone, I felt nothing at all, and everything felt so new. I began to hope for greater things, and see life in such a new light. I had no idea it'd end the way it did, but it worked. I left my calling when I was called out and I left it with the exact reason I came along. That I loved unconditionally expecting nothing in return and walked away empty-handed to prove I can do it.

I guess I never expected to avert my eyes elsewhere, and unexpectedly a new character was added to my freshly started chapter. My eyes were brightly lit and I had so much hope already that I unintentionally let it add to my happiness. I was at peace in my life finally, and truly believed anything could happen. I got to be myself and easily applied the love I was taught during the past battle. I was at the point of feeling so ready to enjoy a prize until I realized what happened.

Soon enough a fear began to hit me. Will my feelings ruin another friendship and put me in the state of wonder? Will I make a mistake without even trying because I will grow attached to another human being that will only hurt me unintentionally? Just as I never blamed the one in my past, I could never blame someone completely new and innocent. My prize at the end of the storm wasn't what I thought it would be, and yet I felt so ready to use the love I learned.

I fought this fear off when I came to realize it and found myself back at the happiness. But soon enough, it wanted to attack me again. Why couldn't I just be? Why was I falling back to the person I used to be, as if I was in a hopeless situation all over again? How on earth did this happen to me again? I felt trapped all of a sudden, receiving something I'd never ask for. I was battling with my heart all over again and he had no idea. His timing in my life seemed so set up, so perfectly planned, and I was letting it get me to fear. I had to tell myself that God does not give people in our lives bad purposes. They are always good ones. What reason would God have to place me right back in the same situation?

There is hope. There is nothing to worry about. There is a prize still waiting, still in the process of being revealed. The fighting I have done did not go unnoticed. There is an answer. There is a surprise that I have strongly been feeling would come and I needed to build the proper patience to get to it. I needed to just breathe and remember how God placed a happiness inside of me. No need to fear. There is a way.

I'll see it soon. I'll understand soon. I'll know. And when I know, I'll be happy all over again. ♥