Wide Awake!

Here I am, wide awake, one thought on my mind. But then a million other tiny thoughts are swimming around as well. I'm eliminating expectations for I've decided how much I truly do like surprises. Not questioning, asking, wondering, or begging God for any type of answer except which way to go. I want no one or no thing to be a distraction. I do not need a distraction in life. I do not want one. I want exactly what God desires for me. I may still be undergoing recovery as I adjust to this different life, but I am beyond thankful that the past familiar pain has vanished. I am not affected anymore. I am new.

I mustn't forget how much I have sacrificed, and how much I have done. I mustn't forget how much I paid just to love despite circumstances. God called me to do something mighty, something many people along the way have expressed they would never have been able to do. But I went through it and came out stronger than ever.

What happens when we are asked to love someone we will not marry? Are we only willing to do it if we get something in the end? Would we only answer that call if we knew we'd get that particular person eventually? Had God told me a clear no in the beginning, I may have been discouraged, confused, and completely human with my reaction. Instead, He knew I'd love until the end if He kept silent about the matter and He knew how to remove me from it when it got messy. The God I serve was and is entirely in LOVE with the human being that He brought into my life. And He was in love with me too, and designed this beautiful master plan to speak loudly in the most subtle way. Through love!

He knew I desired something beautiful and something real. And He occupied my waiting time with a battle and lesson. He prepared me to be who I desired to be, no matter how hard that was for me to understand back then. He did it. Here I am, someone completely changed, with the eyes to see the impossible and shoot for it. The real deal that I desired would be at the end of that storm and come when I was finally ready. God knew how to get me to wait properly, no matter how many times I grew weak and wanted to disappear from the world. I made it.

To the one He originally designed for me... I love you already!