My Feelings Are Against Me.

I always feel like I have to let go. No matter how many times I scream to myself to just go with the flow, I begin to look further ahead on accident. When that occurs, I think that there is something I should do now to avoid what could happen then if I do not commit an action today. But I want those thoughts to vanish completely so that I do not even dwell a single second on the matter. Why must my heart plea to dig so deep and bury itself in everything? It leaves me here confused, as I use all of my strength to ignore it.

Sometimes I'm under the impression that my feelings are quite against me. That they are so determined to ruin everything and make it all twice as harder than it should be. But I think that in time, I will see. I keep telling myself to wait it out. But what if all I do is wait? I think that maybe I need to stop waiting on everything and instead do something about it now. But what on earth is there to do?

This is not where I expected to be, and I'm drowning in it. What is my heart asking for? What is it lacking? Why is it having such a difficult time? It's fighting me so very hard right now and no matter how much better I get, it's still holding back somehow. It's still hiding a little secret in the back corner and that tiny secret is killing me softly! I can be quite perfectly fine, but then as something remains the same, my strength runs out from holding it in and I discover how unfortunate it feels. I should not need what I keep wanting. I should not need it! :(

In eight months I will be leaving the country for the summer. I've allowed this to be my dream and goal in life, for the time being. It's what I want on my mind to keep me occupied, and actually do something instead of sitting here waiting on nothing. Because here, where I am currently located, it truly feels like I'm waiting for absolutely nothing. That I am wasting my time sitting here, hoping for a great thing that would never come if I just remained in this spot. Therefore I want out. I want to get up and prove to God Himself that I can and will do something about it. I will move. I will go out into the world and I will find myself.

I took a risk. No matter how much it hurt the first time I did it, I did it again. I don't want to wait for nothing, for no one. I want to get up and put my heart ahead of me. But if there is yet even more and new things and people that I need to let go of, I really need help in that. I cannot take things lightly it seems. Why must I find it so important to let everything have meaning? Can something just be placed into my life for casual purposes? If so, why does my heart cling so hard?

You've made this absolutely difficult on me as I do not know why I'm so intrigued by what has suddenly become a tease.