To Be Made Ready.

I see myself growing dramatically so as a person. But I know there will always be that tiny something in the back of my mind wondering why I was able to think the things I thought back in the past. Why I found it okay to spend so much time writing, singing, and expressing what I once felt. I know we must move forward, and I'm doing just that. But if I was able to put that much effort into something back then that would one day die, will I put twice the amount of effort for what lasts longer? For what is meant to be real? And forever?

I shouldn't wonder this though. Clearly I'm a human being who can make mistakes. And I don't regret what I have done, for I know that I learned how to do something most of us are unable to easily do. Maybe I'll get to see soon enough what it is I'm capable of doing. Maybe soon enough I can put my time and energy into what I will not lose someday. I do not miss any sort of situation I once was in. I am thankful to have been pulled out. But I will admit, a part of me misses having something and someone to care for. I want to jump right back into a fight where I wake up knowing I'm about to defeat a giant. And maybe I can have that now, maybe my new battle is staring me in the face.

I wouldn't want to ask for something I'll later wish I never asked for though. I should be thankful for this time. Only, I can see that I've walked right into another fight. I see it through a tiny hole, and I saw myself grab hold of it right away, as if I subconsciously knew what it was. All the pieces have been floating around me, and I've yet to figure it out and put it together, but they're falling slowly but surely in place.

I do miss a part of my past battle. Not what it was then, but how I could use that strength I once had to do it again. Only with different circumstances and different results. And whatever it is that God has for me, I want to be ready for it. Have I received a glimpse of my future? Have I fooled myself? How ever will I know what it is that God has for me? I know there is pain in this life, and it'll always come. It's finding the right strength to endure it that matters. It's finding reason to continue on and putting our faith in God, who knows all.

Why am I beating around the bush? What I'm saying is that I truly long to love the right person. The person who will accept it and cherish it. The person who will see me as a treasure and a gift, as I most definitely would be seeing them as one. And I don't want to admit if often because I don't want to look undeserving, desperate, or impatient. I've waited this long. I simply pray God will just make me ready. Because I desire to enjoy the rest of my time on this earth with a best friend to share the simplest things with. With someone to see the world with. Someone on the same page as I. Someone I can release all this love inside of me to and it be okay. Because maybe this time, it'll come back to me. Maybe this time, they'll feel the same.