Still To This Day.

Sometimes I'm afraid that someone will read my eyes when I'm around you. I find myself pretending to be uninterested in certain things you do to me. I maintain a decent distance as to not look any type of desperate. But as I see others taking the liberty to smother you, I have to ignore it and look away. If only you fully knew how hard this is for me. I push aside so many thoughts and hold so much in. To this day I still dream of something more deep with us.

I wish it didn't hurt this much over how you don't want me. :(

Unfortunate Attachment.

Sometimes it feels so unfortunate, the attachment I have with you. Even the smallest things are noticed and brought to my mind like a hammer hitting the wall between us. It's not a race, and I hate to ever think it is. Trying to fit myself in your schedule. If you don't care to have me in it, why shove myself there? You've now said it enough times to remind me that I need to reserve you ahead of time. But I'm not going to use all of my energy in trying to make it in time. I have no reason to reserve because I have no other reason to be around you but to feel happy. How can I make up more than what I already have with excuses to see you?

She always felt like a competition that I tried so hard not to take part in, not to feel, not to think. I ignored it as hard as I can. She was the complete opposite of me. But here is the honest truth. I always disliked how much it affected me to know you'd be with her. Somehow it seemed she was a part of an untold plan to get you away from me. How ridiculous is it to hold all of this in out of fear that I'd ruin us? So let us be ruined by you if that be your wish. I do hate how this has hurt me. The simplest things like getting you a ring made me feel I'd be able to make you happy when you wished you could have reason to wear one. In the end, you forget to put it on in the morning and did the exact exchange with her. Seeing it on your finger slaps me every time.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HURT ME?

Why on earth would this have been done to me?

I just want to love you without such an unfortunate attachment... :'(

This Christmas.

Just like every other year, I dream up what would be the most lovely Christmas gift that I could ever imagine. But this year, as much as I can dream it still, I've accepted not receiving it. But I know that I got more than I could have imagined already. And that should be enough for me. On top of that, I will get to see your happy face opening the gifts that I intentionally got you. It won't matter what's inside those gifts though, because I've come to truly see that you are a very thankful person. Somehow I know that I can make you happy one way or another. But I feel like the price of those gifts are paying just to see your reaction. In the end, it's really worth it.

Here I sit listening to a mix of songs you put together for me on a CD. I'm listening through the long song you said I wouldn't and you're the only thought on my mind right now. I still wonder if you know that we didn't do this to ourselves. We didn't put ourselves here. It's why I know this all has a vast purpose. And because of that, I have hope that the end of this won't be the heartbreak of you walking away. Having you here this Christmas brings me joy, because at one point we weren't communicating at all. When I think back on those days I feel extremely thankful that it's over.

While you were gone, I put in my mind that I had to let you go. And I did. I let you go because I trusted that God was in control. And I knew you were meant to be in my life. Upon letting you go, I felt somewhat empty, but I walked on. Because I believed you would come back. You were my target to keep walking with a smile. Instead of looking back, I had to look forward. Our memories still held me over during that time. But here I am, today, watching silly videos you send me each new day.

You know me too well. And that's okay. Because you sort of, kind of, really have my heart. And you know you do. So I pray that you're the only man who breaks it and mends it, and holds it forever.

You got me.

Teaser.

Going with the flow may not be the most ideal way to make it all easier. But temporarily it is working. Eventually I'll crack into a few more pieces as I hear you explain to me that you'll never actually mean what you show and feel the way you appear sometimes. I suppose it never stopped you before, my honesty. You always come back, closer than ever, and you're somehow affectionate all over again. Even in such a joking manner, you do it so well. I'd hate to believe you're teasing me, but in a way, you technically are. You never seemed to want to dangle such a carrot in my face, as you proclaimed. But you are.

And it's not even a carrot. It's more like a diamond ring that, had I owned it, I'd be connected to you. It's exactly what I could simply dream of, but exactly what you allow me not to grasp. You see, that's far more valuable than a carrot. My heart never allows me to forget how much you mean to me. You run around knowing I can't catch you. It's almost as if you're doing all of this so intentionally, just to mess with my mind and heart. But even when I dislike you at times, I still love you. I still want to. And I ache at your long absence.

Subconsciously I want to get you all the gifts I could, all the things you want and all the things you need. Because apparently I'm still trying to win you over without even realizing it at times. Even though it never works that way, I still have a slight slice of hope inside of me in doing so. I expect not, but I hope plenty. I've come to really realize this by digging deep inside of myself. What am I doing, and why am I still doing it?

But I never want to say I gave up on you.