Again.

Here I am again, right back at the beginning it seems. I felt discouraged and put down because of a dream, which affected me subconsciously. But in reality I wasn't doing the best. I thought I'd do as I usually do and step back again. Then as I arrive at the party I'm realizing that my mind is becoming fully aware that I will see you. Ignoring it quickly I forget and say my hello's. But the moment our eyes met as I looked over on accident, not knowing you were there, you saw me. It was during my glance, so I didn't bother to take that second look. Moving on, I pretend to be present around my friends, even though I already entered that other world I'm used to.

Moments later you came inside and say hello and I smiled for you, because I still love you. Despite my pain and confusion, I was still so happy to see you. You then came over and explained that you had a gift for me. Internally I jumped up, but in reality I slowly got up from my seat and followed you. When you gave me a rock, which holds more meaning than anyone could understand, I was content. But when you handed me an extra little gift, so simple and small, I was attached to you all over again. And although it makes me mad how easy it is for me to forgive you, in all honesty, it feels meant to be.

I try not to stare, I try to avoid gazing into those eyes of yours because I know I'll get sucked in so deep if I do. But it's almost no fair how much it affects me. I am being teased just by you sitting next to me. Just by you talking to me. And does this mean that we have to break off our what-seems-our-undying-friendship? Again? I know I dream big. Settling for less or giving up is so unlike me. Getting my heart to change its mind once it's made up is like taking candy from a baby. I cannot do it, either. I just cannot.

So here I am again, placed right back where I started. Drawn to you because you know how to make me happy. Drawn to you because when I try to let go, or when I try to ignore you, you come back better than ever. Drawn to you because I know you and you know me so well. Because you make me feel worth it. Because you motivate me to try. Because you give me words to sing and without you, I cannot utter a decent melody. Without you, I am only but half a person.

You were placed in my life at the time I would have never guessed I needed you. I've battled and fought for so long, trying to figure out what I should do. As every arrow pointed to you, I gave in and loved you hard. Now I've felt so hopeless, so broken, and I simply pray that God pulls me out. I pray He makes a way where there seems to be no way and gives me the strength to carry on. I pray He never gives up on you.

He taught me how to love you, and He's the reason I could never give up.

 사랑해 

The Strong Curiosity.

I've never been on the type of dates you see in movies, or hear from the friends who live lives differently than I. I've never had someone desire my attention that much either. I feel like it would be fake, and that a part of me would only be a liar if I ever agreed to someone asking me, unless I genuinely found them interesting. Unfortunately for them though, my heart has been taken for almost four years now. I could never seem to get it back, it felt so at home already. Now enough time has passed that there really is no going back to who I was.

But here and there I gain a strong curiosity of that type of life, filled with teasing, laughter, and goodnight hugs. I just could never get it to make sense with someone else. I think my heart is the type of heart that hesitates to cling to anything or to relocate anywhere until it is certain. And when it does, it holds on hard. Once it sets, it's set. That seems to be the heart I have. It doesn't just apply in people, but in objects, in everyday tasks, etc. When I'm set to get something, I get it and it's the hardest thing to change my mind or compromise.

For the situation that I have become accustomed with, it is the most interesting fact that this is the type of person that I am. It would make no sense to put someone like me in the life of someone like him. Unless... And this I've thought up for quite a long while now. I've researched, dug deep, asked the same question a million times, and cried the same tears for a lengthy time.

I'm quite used to avoiding diving deep into these feelings of curiosity. Although the occasional sigh will occur as I realize yet again how my body, heart, and mind ache for a nearness that I've never known. But here I am in this awkward position and I truly do not want to give in to any type of temptation just to taste the waters of the unknown. I'm stubborn. I'm a fighter. I cannot get myself to give up on even the simplest of things. I'm struggling hard with this, even if I'm managing it. I'm struggling internally. I am not spending days depressed or ignoring the world. I'm continuing on and living my life. But there's a silent cry, buried deep inside of me, every single day...

Unfortunate Feeling.

I made an utterly horrible mistake by observing your new bracelet the night we baked at your house. It took me that long to notice the details because I purposely averted my eyes from it. I got a fear inside of me that it held meaning of something I didn't want to know.What's so unfortunate is that I'm facing something I've always been so against, an action I planned to avoid committing. It's an awkward one too. One that would make me lie if I said it wasn't true. It's not done purposefully though. I try to push it away.

My mind wants to say it is unfair. It wants to rip apart what you've created. It wants to fight my heart so badly. I keep pushing this to the side. I keep shutting my mouth from you. I keep pretending whilst aching and falling apart. I do want to be myself with you, but myself wants to grab hold of your arm during a walk and just hold on. Myself wants to end our messages with "I love you." Myself wants to be truly happy without it being a problem. Myself wants to have my name on that bracelet.

I cannot do this at all. I cannot. I am not. I am not handling it. I am not okay. I am not happy with it. I am not content. I am not living properly. I am not yours.

Because of that, I am facing jealousy.

And I hate it.

The Hardest Time.

The truth is...I am having the hardest time internally. I do not even understand my patience anymore. In my mind I am gaining the feelings that tell myself, "I cannot do it." I have to avoid thoughts. I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I hate it. Our situation has changed to what looks like a lost battle that I'm still fighting in. Still, to this day, I am drawn to you? Still, to this day, I love you? Still, to this day, I find you worth it? Still, to this day. Five years later.

I want to SCREAM this to you and yet all I can do is say nothing. I wonder if you know how hard that is for me.