Invisible.

Dear The One That I'd Run From,

I know it's not that rational to feel a bit torn down right now. But it's not irrational either. I've been told that I'm "doing this myself." But being around you and communicating made me feel happy and it eased the mood until you were away. And becoming silent only shows me it's a one-sided friendship--because somehow communication stops when I stop putting effort into our relationship. Either way I'm apparently doing something to myself. Next I'll be told that I chose that seat next to you less than five years ago. Why did I think you still wanted a friendship? I hate thinking negative, but reality hits me when I decide to leave you alone. You'll only naturally leave me alone as well.

I guess I'm not the only one throwing out "I love you." Except I can't openly post it for public to see because I actually mean it. It's too true for me, and I fear someone will see and feel bad for me. And that'll only make you feel horrible (maybe) and look like a "jerk." Worry not, I'd stand up for you, as odd as that seems.

Maybe she's secretly in love with you. At this point I'm highly convinced you'd choose her over me. In fact, I'm highly convinced you'd choose many over me. Because I just wear you down with all of this nonsense. I just wear you down with my sorrow and excessive love for you. I just wear you down with my stupid feelings. Just stop lying to me and pretending like I matter when you smile. Stop accepting my gifts if you truly feel guilty. Stop letting me think that you're innocent when you're not. Stop pointing out the negative in me. Stop resenting me like you've plainly said you have. Stop pulling me down like that. I love and love and love because I choose to and yet the only thing you see is that ONE time that I explode.

Like now.

I lost you. I guess I have to accept that.

Sincerely,
Stephanie M.