Pride.

That bracelet you wear has stabbed me one too many times, each and every single glance I accidentally take. I keep this so entirely silent just for you, and I hold my urges too well. But I can't do it that well anymore. I have resulted to spilling it out in this blog I assume you won't even see. What does it matter what I say though? Clearly I love you and care for you more than you even know--more than anyone I can think of. I would literally DIE right now just for you. And yet my thoughts do not matter to you, and they will never, ever make a difference according to you.

I allow you to almost control me, but I submit myself to you. I value you and respect you. I let these tiny things hurt me in such silence just to make you happy. ARE you happy now? Are you happy with how torn up I've become in my total lack of confession of what stabs me so harshly? You admit you are stubborn, but I'm so willing to look past that.

Where have you gone? You lost so much along the way, and I'm here crying until I fall asleep at night. Sometimes I can hardly understand how God can love you so much. Because the moment I think negative He reminds me to be patient with you. But I am about to crack. I'm about to fall apart right in front of you and I fear it. Why? Because your reaction or carelessness scares me. I'm afraid of what I would do to see your eyes care not about my heart.

I can't do it anymore. I avert my eyes, I cover the screen, I just can't look at it. You remain so silent about it, as if you're ashamed--and that says enough to me. What is the point in it? It says nothing, absolutely nothing. It says just as much as wearing a certain color does--NOTHING. The world has twisted ideas, thoughts, sayings, and requirements. Wearing red doesn't show the world I support love. Love isn't red. It's LOVE, an action, something you do for someone else. Wearing my "Love is patient" bracelet doesn't tell anyone anything. It doesn't convince them that I, Stephanie Ann, love with patience and kindness.

To me you appear so humble, so what reason do you have to gain pride? I wish this didn't hurt so much. In all honesty, I want out. But between losing you and dying, losing you isn't as appealing. I know I'm stuck here, as long as God will keep me down on this earth. Only He can take me out of this impatient and selfish state of being that I currently unfortunately sit in.

You're lying to me again, Steven. I just want to love you and you're lying still.