The Days of the Begging for Distractions.

Every day for the past two and a half years I've had to find reason to keep my head up high and be happy. I've failed to do so on many occasions, but I'd tell myself to keep standing. Every single day since I first found out what I've now become so used to. For that long it has remained the same. I can't even remember how it felt to not have such a heart-wrenching situation. Now I wake up each day hoping it won't bring me down. I've made it with the hope God gave me, and without that hope I would be nothing. Would I even be alive?

It has been a constant battle for me. During these two and a half years, I've searched for every solution that seemed right. I considered walking away from the problem, I've let go, I've prayed, I've fasted, I've talked with trustworthy people, and I've cried a lot. But I cannot and will not forget the strong calling I know God has given me. If I ever attempt to walk away, God asks me to come back. He gives me strength, sets me on my feet, and says, "Go." Constantly He feeds me reason to keep going, and constantly He has to pick me up. But He called me because He knew I'd make it to the end.

I often wonder what it would feel like for it to be over. This entire battle. For it to completely change for the better, and to not have that reason to cry anymore. All the pain because of it would completely vanish and it'd just all...be over. To get to that point is my goal. And love is my motivation. See, I imagine that day as the most  beautiful reward, giving me all the reason to not give up. I allow it to give me hope. I don't know the time or place, nor do I know what it will be. It's a surprise waiting to happen, and when I least expect it, it'll be completed. I'm sure when that happens, I will enter a new journey. And maybe because of this, everything else will feel like a lighter load. A piece of cake, to be exact.

So no, I do not hate where I stand, nor am I upset. I'm impatiently patient, but perfectly placed. I'm weak, but God is strong for me. Although I'm still living in the days of the begging for distractions, I'm alive. I'm still able to love, and I still know how. In the end, all this waiting and suffering will be more than worth it. That's the story I want to have, and that is the story I will tell. The fact about him that has broken my heart has truly challenged us to see if we two can make it through anything. And together...we have. Somehow. For that, I am thankful. I can only imagine how much more we can endure. ☺