April 14, 2010
It found me and attacked me. I knew it would the moment I let myself be alone. My mind searched hard through my heart to find the reasons behind my sorrow. I keep feeling like I find exactly what breaks me into pieces completely. Each time I get up, I’m pushed down--over and over and over again. My body seems too weak to keep getting up that I find myself not wanting to get up. Soon the words “I can’t do this anymore” find their way to my mouth as I cry out. But I don’t want to walk away, nor do I want to run from my problems. I just want something to change for the better. I want some type of breakthrough in my life and in his. I don’t want our friendship to hurt like this.
It still hurts me, I will admit. It still causes deep pain to take in reality and to accept that he does not desire me the same. I try hard to ignore it around him, but each time I shatter more. In no way am I mad at him, nor do I blame him for this pain. I keep seeing perfection in our bond and that longing to stay with him forever. I’ve never allowed myself to completely feel this way with anyone, nor did I come close. But as I fulfill almost three years of him being in my life, I know I mean it. Nowhere would I be able to find a friendship like this. If anyone tried to top this friendship, they might find it almost impossible. We’ve gone through a lot, and we’ve had reason to learn a lot. We’ve grown over the years that I’d rather die than kill what we have.
I still enjoy the happiness around him, putting all hardship aside. I still love him in all the things that we do together. I still continuously want to help him out and encourage him to be happy. I still remember somehow of how his hugs felt--but I still crave to have at least one more. I wish with all that I have that the awkward feeling would just go away. All I seem to be able to do lately is try to feel okay around him, then return home and cry. Writing about it makes me feel like I’m letting some of it out to help me. But this seems to be all that I write about lately because this is how my heart speaks. But how much longer can I go on?
I found my low and felt completely weak on the floor. Tears left my eyes with the pain inside. The battle within me fights hard, but I fall to my knees. I don’t know how much more I can endure. I want to tell him, but I don’t want to hurt what’s still left. I don’t want to push him away, or cause him to run from me. But I don’t want to watch our friendship hurt. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore. I can’t seem to stand that long, as I find myself on the floor more lately. But then I look around to find things he’s provided for me and I cry because of how much I appreciate it. The things I’d never want to just stop one day. I cry thinking about how he bought us lunch and frozen yogurt. But I am not worth it.
WHY? WHY did this have to happen to ME? HOW must I carry on? WHAT do I do? I’ve guarded my heart my whole entire life. He cannot tell me to do that as if I don’t. Why must he act like I’ve brought this upon myself? That I have full control of what happens in my life? I’ve always been careful and still am to this day. I am much too picky to just allow anyone into my life. I forgot that I’ve been like this because of how much of our situation has occupied my mind. I did not even realize that I’ve not met anyone new that has been a big part in my life lately. God gave me Steven. He is the one He put into my life. Steven is the one who stayed and remains here this day. Steven is the one I talk to. Steven is my best friend.
[[Title is from the solo piano song I played while writing this.]]
