Unfortunate Attachment.

Sometimes it feels so unfortunate, the attachment I have with you. Even the smallest things are noticed and brought to my mind like a hammer hitting the wall between us. It's not a race, and I hate to ever think it is. Trying to fit myself in your schedule. If you don't care to have me in it, why shove myself there? You've now said it enough times to remind me that I need to reserve you ahead of time. But I'm not going to use all of my energy in trying to make it in time. I have no reason to reserve because I have no other reason to be around you but to feel happy. How can I make up more than what I already have with excuses to see you?

She always felt like a competition that I tried so hard not to take part in, not to feel, not to think. I ignored it as hard as I can. She was the complete opposite of me. But here is the honest truth. I always disliked how much it affected me to know you'd be with her. Somehow it seemed she was a part of an untold plan to get you away from me. How ridiculous is it to hold all of this in out of fear that I'd ruin us? So let us be ruined by you if that be your wish. I do hate how this has hurt me. The simplest things like getting you a ring made me feel I'd be able to make you happy when you wished you could have reason to wear one. In the end, you forget to put it on in the morning and did the exact exchange with her. Seeing it on your finger slaps me every time.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HURT ME?

Why on earth would this have been done to me?

I just want to love you without such an unfortunate attachment... :'(

This Christmas.

Just like every other year, I dream up what would be the most lovely Christmas gift that I could ever imagine. But this year, as much as I can dream it still, I've accepted not receiving it. But I know that I got more than I could have imagined already. And that should be enough for me. On top of that, I will get to see your happy face opening the gifts that I intentionally got you. It won't matter what's inside those gifts though, because I've come to truly see that you are a very thankful person. Somehow I know that I can make you happy one way or another. But I feel like the price of those gifts are paying just to see your reaction. In the end, it's really worth it.

Here I sit listening to a mix of songs you put together for me on a CD. I'm listening through the long song you said I wouldn't and you're the only thought on my mind right now. I still wonder if you know that we didn't do this to ourselves. We didn't put ourselves here. It's why I know this all has a vast purpose. And because of that, I have hope that the end of this won't be the heartbreak of you walking away. Having you here this Christmas brings me joy, because at one point we weren't communicating at all. When I think back on those days I feel extremely thankful that it's over.

While you were gone, I put in my mind that I had to let you go. And I did. I let you go because I trusted that God was in control. And I knew you were meant to be in my life. Upon letting you go, I felt somewhat empty, but I walked on. Because I believed you would come back. You were my target to keep walking with a smile. Instead of looking back, I had to look forward. Our memories still held me over during that time. But here I am, today, watching silly videos you send me each new day.

You know me too well. And that's okay. Because you sort of, kind of, really have my heart. And you know you do. So I pray that you're the only man who breaks it and mends it, and holds it forever.

You got me.

Teaser.

Going with the flow may not be the most ideal way to make it all easier. But temporarily it is working. Eventually I'll crack into a few more pieces as I hear you explain to me that you'll never actually mean what you show and feel the way you appear sometimes. I suppose it never stopped you before, my honesty. You always come back, closer than ever, and you're somehow affectionate all over again. Even in such a joking manner, you do it so well. I'd hate to believe you're teasing me, but in a way, you technically are. You never seemed to want to dangle such a carrot in my face, as you proclaimed. But you are.

And it's not even a carrot. It's more like a diamond ring that, had I owned it, I'd be connected to you. It's exactly what I could simply dream of, but exactly what you allow me not to grasp. You see, that's far more valuable than a carrot. My heart never allows me to forget how much you mean to me. You run around knowing I can't catch you. It's almost as if you're doing all of this so intentionally, just to mess with my mind and heart. But even when I dislike you at times, I still love you. I still want to. And I ache at your long absence.

Subconsciously I want to get you all the gifts I could, all the things you want and all the things you need. Because apparently I'm still trying to win you over without even realizing it at times. Even though it never works that way, I still have a slight slice of hope inside of me in doing so. I expect not, but I hope plenty. I've come to really realize this by digging deep inside of myself. What am I doing, and why am I still doing it?

But I never want to say I gave up on you.

Nothing Like You.

I've allowed my eyes to wander, my mind to wonder and my heart to consider. But nothing beats you. No matter how far I let my thoughts run, they always come colliding back with your smile. You could bring me down or stab my heart, but you do it so unintentionally and I still desire to love back. Your actions don't meet your words, and as much as it's told to me, that actions speak louder than words, it is hard to tell with you. Your words very often speak so much louder than your actions. You've all the capabilities of loving me, and making me feel special. But yet you claim such a different fact than what you show. It has confused me all this time but I've accepted it. I know it all, I do. I know what you want and do not want and I don't really meet your standards. But it's so hard not to dream with you. It's so hard not to see it like you mean so much more.

You treat me like I treat you. But I treat you the way I do because I love you deeply. You get excited at the same things, but I get excited because I love you deeply. You look forward to the fun things we plan, but I look forward to it because I want to be around you. You communicate with me everyday like I matter that much to you, but I desire to speak everyday because it brings me happiness. You keep me around because maybe you like us. But I keep you around because I never want to part from you.

In my mind, I see something entirely different than yours. And I try and try to understand you, but I fail each and every single time when you finally let out your honesty. And that exact honesty on how you do not desire more scares me beyond measure. Your actions, your secrets, and the life you hide from me surrounds my mind with fear. I push it aside as best as I could, but if I allow myself to remember...it's the deepest stab. I almost wish you didn't have the power to destroy me in the inside. But if you didn't have that power, you couldn't make me happy all at the same time.

And as much as I'm confused...there still is no one like you. Because absolutely nothing in this world works like you.

I love you.

Built Hope.

It's a bit hard to keep my mind from reading you. It wants to dig as deep as it could go to figure this all out. You quite remind me of myself sometimes, with all that you do for me. You've been doing a lot more than before, which has indeed brought a vast amount of happiness. In a way it is making up for what I lacked for a while. But in another way it is a lot more than I dare to ask for from you. I know exactly why I gave as much as I have, and why I laugh as much as I do. But you...you're a mystery I'm hesitating to figure out.

But your anger scares me. Why have I not noticed it before? I suppose I have, but you controlled it so well. Now I'm not one-hundred percent sure when you mean something seriously, or when you're jokingly throwing out harsh words into my ears. It's such a confusing stormy sea of emotions mixed with a lot of sunshine and good deeds. Can I really make you happy? Is this really what I ask myself still to this day?

You're paying attention to me more. You're teasing me a lot, joking, and tossing tiny compliments that I'm not sure are real or not. You seem so genuine but I'm much too used to it never meaning what it looks like. You're the most complex human book I've ever attempted to read and I've understood it all too wrong in the past. You appear to see me differently but I'm so afraid to say a word about this. I'm afraid to hear the same thing all over again about how this is not the way it seems.

You're loving me while building up a hope inside of me that has been sky-high and shattered in a matter of three years. You're appearing to desire something and I'm much too afraid to find out the truth... Just in case I'm wrong yet again. I've been believing for so long that it's possible, never wanting to give up. But I just cannot get myself to understand. I'm so used to what we do not have.

Tiny Glimpse of My Enemy.

How could one, small, tiny, little glimpse of a reminder allow my extremely happy mood to come crashing down to the ground and shatter all over the place into a million pieces?
How could this sadness come at me like a train, scaring me and putting me at the verge of tears? I'm one thought away from crying, and it's ridiculous in a way. I told myself it didn't matter what the case was, I was just happy. But I guess there was slight hope that everything was more different than ever and my faith was strong. I was gaining hope all over again, wasn't I?

But that small and minute thing that stabbed me so incredibly hard has taken away that huge joy in a matter of milliseconds. Will I always be slapped this way?

After All This Time.

It's an incredible thought to look at someone and allow time to fly back four and a half years ago and realize how involved you've become in their story. You've watched them grow from the person you didnt' know, to the person you hold close to your heart. At one point they were but a stranger, but now as you know many of their deepest concerns and the many trials they've faced, they're a light in the dark and a celebrity in a crowd full of people.

It almost seems unreal that a certain happiness is back into my life. I didn't see it happening the way it did, but now I'm more thankful than ever. I can hardly even believe that I spent three months without it. I look back at those months and picture myself again. I remember how broken I was at times, but how I got myself to still stand, to still run the race. I believed in what I could not see and held my head up. And here I am, smiling at how far I've come.

I feel like I don't even deserve this though, but yet it's here. It's as if he and I are not focusing on the unfortunate, but rather what matters. When we decided our friendship was indestructible, I sincerely believed it. I'll always hold him close to my heart, whether he be miles away, or merely inches. But to see him smile and laugh puts joyous feeling inside of me. It's as if I'm right where I need to be. Not that he's my world, but that he's better than the world. To me, he is something more than just a person. He's the one I would die for, the one that believes in me, and the one that knows how to make me laugh.

When I say he believes in me, it means an incredible amount and I really do see it from him. Anything I desire to do, to be, or anywhere I wish to go, he knows that I can. He praises me for my accomplishments and enjoys my creations for the arts that I am involved in. And as my 5th birthday with him around approaches, I feel more special than ever. His want to get me a gift will be better than a gift. His effort to remember my day will be better than his "Happy birthday." And the time he takes out of his day to see me will be better than what we do. I see it clearer this time, how much he cares for me. I've had such a hard time believing, but he doesn't have to say it because he shows it. He doesn't have to confess he loves me because he shows it. And even if I must repeat the past of losing him due to my inevitable attraction to his entire self...I now know that I can in fact endure. I can let him go when he wishes to go, and I can love him when he returns.

This may not be a proposal with an invitation to keep him, but having him around is my greatest happiness nonetheless.

Why be ashamed of this honest truth when it means more than a lot to me?

I hope he knows he has my heart.

Cold Metaphoric Winters.

I remember when you gave me your sweater as part of my Christmas gift. You had to have known that deep down inside it would make me happy. Because it was the simplest thing with such a deep meaning. Once upon a time that sweater had warmed you on chilly days, and later on it warmed me during cold metaphoric winters. But every time I wore it, I felt I had a piece of you. No one else in the world owned such a threaded article previously owned by you, feeling right at home but me. If I ponder long and hard, I still cannot figure out what part of your heart told you to pass it to me.

Through the cheery days I spent with you and the fragile nights I resisted your gravity, I was never left cold. If I do ever fall, I always stand up. And when I do I look straight ahead and smile. If I ever glance back I only see how far I've come. To love you was the step I took to stand against doubt and all hopelessness. And sometimes it's all because I, Stephanie Ann, managed to somehow plant myself inside your home of a heart when you never intended to let me in. I was the one who occupied your empty sweater, placing myself exactly where you once were for those cold, metaphoric winters that I spent thinking solely about you.

I couldn't have said this if you easily loved me back years ago.

Thank you for keeping me warm and teaching me how to love anyway.

Meant.

When our paths crossed, we started a journey we had no idea we were to travel in. It contained the highest of highs and lowest of lows. There were moments when I was so scared of you, and moments when you were the only person I could talk to. But throughout the entire friendship, I always knew that somehow you were special. You were someone made to be in my life and I was going to know you longer than I could have guessed upon our meeting. I believed this even more as I grew to admire this about you. And soon enough, you were placed preciously inside my heart to stay.

When I first met you, our personalities were in for a surprise! But as weeks went by, I began to truly appreciate you. And one day I made the best choice I could--to treat you with kindness. After that I grew to care for you. And four and a half years later, after our roller-coaster ride of a friendship, I still get nervous to see you. You're still like that celebrity to me, and I'm in awe of knowing you. Everything changes with you around. And if you leave the room, I am practically lost.

What is it about you? It's always as if there's this giant arrow pointing down at you. In a huge crowd, you could be all I see. And very often I believe that God himself is pointing you out to me. So can't you see? I'm not walking away from someone so purposely placed in my life. You always came back before. I'm convinced you're not meant to be out of my life.

Dear You.

Dear You,

I think it's about time I write you again, as I don't know how to talk to you. This is just one of those electronically written letters that you'd have to miraculously stumble upon while randomly desiring to find my blog yet again. You knew the link before, and I can't say you've booked-marked it, memorized it, or stalked your way to it, as I wouldn't quite believe that. But you've surprised me, so either way I shall write as if you may never read it. Or that you are. The point being that I need to get this out.

In all honesty, you do confuse me in such a scary way. You've caused me to be paranoid about things that I'm afraid to know. I think that if I happily respond to perhaps a text message or something of the sort you will think that I am pretending as if nothing happened. But if I address the situation and/or circumstance it will ruin everything yet again. That is unfortunately the one thing I cannot bear to commit. But in no way do I desire to ignore you or pretend you don't exist. I'm simply just struggling to understand what is to happen between you and I. Because you remain secured tight inside my heart and I still deeply care for your entire being.

[[3 days later]]

I'm really hoping for the very best for you and I.

Sincerely,
Me

Assumptions.

If I could end one thing, it would be the ability to assume. It always tends to get me screaming down after a high peak of waiting, as if I'm on some type of roller-coaster ride. All is fine, something happens, I assume why, believe my assumptions can be wrong, find out they are usually, and get back up, smile, and all is fine. As you can see, that's where it loops. But that's okay.

Everything is okay.

In fact, it's okay to accept you were wrong. It's okay because it makes everything somehow better. I don't really assume enough to believe. I always feel like I'm still waiting to know the truth and understand in everything I'm left hanging with. I make assumptions somehow, maybe I'm human, I'm not sure. But in the back of my mind, I'm waiting to understand what is, and not what I think is. To me, there's always a possibility of something better--a greater reason than a negative assumption. To me, there's hope in everything, giving me no reason to doubt and hurt myself.

Everything is okay.

We don't get on a roller-coaster at a theme park to punish ourselves. They're made for entertainment, for fun, and for excitement. Besides the fact that some don't like them (like me!). But either way, they're there for fun, they're made for fun. So even if you're on a roller-coaster ride metaphorically speaking, just remember the reason roller-coasters were made! Just to mess with your insides, I suppose, and make you sick. But still. That's besides the point!

Because the point is: everything is okay.

:)

Second Beginning or Second Ending.

Although it was an unfortunate reason as to why our paths were so inclined to cross once again, the strong smile on your face and your simple embrace with a hug made the last three months practically vanish. That was a much needed reassurance that you're okay. You looked so strong on the outside and even during the service in remembrance of your dear mother, you could smile when I approached you. I will hope you know that I will indeed be here for you no matter what.

But the very next day an enormous wall was placed between us somehow and I was stuck in my seat, spending countless minutes trying to figure out what to do. I kept trying to build courage to make a move, to at least say hi. But as I hesitated, I grew a lot of hope that you'd come over to where I'd be knowing you had that strong hold on me. With enough time wasted on debating how I should approach you, I finally took a deep breath, stood up and said to myself, "I can do this." I remember each step it took to get to you, and as I placed myself in the spot near you, I waited for your attention on my unfortunate timing. When silence became between you and the other person I saw my chance and said hello.

The walls at that point literally came crashing down. You spoke to me like you haven't forgotten a thing and you laughed like you meant it. You didn't easily find a way to escape me, you actually stuck around. And although I wanted to say a million things I very much so held my tongue. I awkwardly acknowledged the absence of the ring I had bought you months ago. I shouldn't expect you to still wear it, but for some reason I imagined you might. And although you said you had recently taken it off, I'm not sure how much of that was truth. But it still oddly brought a bit of sadness that reality was slapping me in the face just a bit. You see, before I even gained such courage to walk up to you, I had noticed the ring was missing. Because you still wore another one, something inside of me began to deteriorate. Maybe it was an inevitable feeling, as I couldn't ignore it enough. I had to stop myself from tearing up almost the entire day because of the distance between us. During such a sad event, I couldn't even be me for you.

Back to where we stood, I calmed down the more I talked to you. We gave each other small updates, and our jokes made us both laugh. It seemed you remembered everything we ever shared, and I felt quite inclined to talk of the only topics that came to mind at the moment. I tried not to mention everything that I mentioned and what I should have held in came out full speed. But I was always like that with you, perhaps you were used to it (hopefully).

But one particular part of our entire conversation stood out to me that pushed me down when I didn't realize how tall I was standing beforehand. You explained that you didn't want to come back and pretend like nothing happened. This confirmed why you remained distant and kept any replies short to any rare thing I sent during your absence. I'd never pretend like nothing happened, as we did part ways and that can't be ignored even if you came back. But I guess I would have never guessed that you'd be proud of your decision to be away from me. Had this been done to you, perhaps you'd understand. But it's almost as if something is not good enough with me.

So now I sit here, afraid that when I see you again, you'll still keep your decision and I'll lose you yet again.
I'm just afraid I cannot handle that.
And ultimately, I do not want to one bit.

Why do you think this is happening to me?

It's Okay to Cry.

Who would have thought this would make me want to cry so much? Just the other night I'm missing the past, where you and I would blast "Always Something There to Remind Me" in your green truck down the country roads. Today I find out something I didn't even expect to read. Thoughts in my head are fighting me to find out how you are holding up--if you are. Should I cut this silence with love once again with an intervention? All those months that I cried for you were because I wanted you to experience true happiness--yet I still couldn't help but wish I'd be part of the reason.

It's okay to cry, if you are. I know I will be. All the secrets you shared with me, about your thoughts on the certain people you cared deeply for. Even if you had a hard time showing it, you did show to me. I did see it. You were so affected that you could very well deny it and I wouldn't believe you. I knew you had a soft heart underneath the cold and hard surface that developed over hurtful years. I'd do anything... ANYTHING to see you right now.

But I don't know what anything is.

Blurrier.

Sometimes I forget you for a moment and I'm living a completely different life. Maybe it's what you want me to feel, to know, to think, to be. But all too easily in the silence of my lone self you come rushing at me like a train. I guess I'm still stuck on the fact that you'll eventually cross my path again and my questions will be answered. I'm believing that this is just a season without you, and then I'll get back on that train and continue on with you. I made such small attempts to shove an open door in your face. You never took the bait or responded to the hint. Easily I planted such terrible thoughts about how you may feel or think toward me.

You were once my best friend, and explaining you as the past is not my ideal way to speak. How could two people go from a night spent with laughter and a sincere bond to nothing at all? How could this have been thrown away as easily as it was? You turned around and made the decision I never thought you could. You stood your ground, so determined to make me forget you. You played the part so well, leading me to believe you hated the decision. But you never hated it nearly enough to fix it. For that, I eventually fell apart.

It's so unfortunate for me how you made me feel like I mattered so much. How you paid attention to me even if I was irrational. You got me gifts like you looked highly upon me, and took care of me like you loved me more. You cannot blame me for wanting to be attached to exactly that. You never failed to give me reason to still adore you. But when everything we built came crashing down, I knew I still wanted to love you.

As you become a blurrier vision with each passing day, I wonder tremendously so how it would be to see your smile again.

Nothing?

Often I think that maybe I need one last glimpse of you, followed by a detailed conversation about why you could not speak to me about your decision. I read off text messages and your silent eyes to only barely understand this all before you left me hanging. I've come to know this was not my fault, because if you were still here, I'd still love you. I couldn't have messed up so bad to deserve this, I was on a mission after all. The end hadn't arrived (and still hasn't.) You just weren't ready while I was more than ready.

Maybe by a miracle I made the slightest difference in your life--yes, a miracle. But on the outside you act as though I never entered at all. I may have quietly and unintentionally entered your life four and a half years ago, but I did not want to walk out just as quiet. I wish I understood you, but I guess you never let me...

Importance of You.

I may not understand how we got to where we are, but I most definitely understand how important you always were and are. Our past has the most fondest memories my mind could possibly contain. You loved me well from the beginning by merely paying attention to me. You went out of your way to deliver gifts when I settled to live without them. I remember three specific times, must I remind you?

On a school night you came in pajamas and a blanket after my house got robbed. You brought over a small room heater as a gift you had for me, but it was given on perfect timing after all. I felt so thankful that I had you there.

Another night I craved water and didn't want the tap, but as you suggested I drink it anyway, I did. I fell asleep while you were working late and woke early in the morning, checking my cell phone to see if you sent a message. You did, and you informed me I needed to check outside the front door. Out there I found a little brown bag and brought it to my room quietly. Opening it I found the perfect set of items to cure my water cravings and sickness. I cried with an overwhelmed feeling of joy. Someone cared for me.

Last but not least, I specifically remember the day I was sick without NyQuil, and before you headed to work, you bought me pills and dropped them off. I would never have expected that from a friend, nor would I imagine anyone else suggested to get me it. But you did. Somehow, some way, you were always more than a friend. You went a little further than the others, and paid a little bit more attention to the small things.

If you ask me, those memories are enough to wait for you to come back to me.

A Dream Worth Having.

He looked overly in awe of what I attempted to do humbly. He kept praising me to others and to myself. He explained to another person around us how great I was for what I did. But he was more beautiful than ever and quite the dream come true. I did something that made him happy and he came back to me just to let me know. I hardly knew what to say, but I was simply glad to see him again. I allowed him to continue to explain how much he appreciated me, and our time spent was worth waiting for. At the end of the meet, although we said not a goodbye, I assumed he wanted me to continue on normally without him. But he gave me no signs in his eyes that he desired that and I knew he wasn't leaving this time. I smiled with genuineness as did he and while I walked away, I knew I'd be seeing him again. 

By story time, I meant a dream. When I have dreams as such, they aways feel so real, like it really just happened. It isn't until I think about the dream after already waking up that I realize, "WAIT. That never happened." But yet it was like it did. And when I do have these dreams, they're always positive, containing emotions and feelings I've never even experienced in reality (to the fullest). Any sad dreams I may incur are always unfinished when I wake up. But it seems I finish those ones later with the positive ones as I stated. 

As for the dream I just had, written above in story-form (and slightly different due to my attempt to make it a story instead of trying to remember a dream with saying "he said something about something and then I looked somewhere and someone was around us and he told them something about how great I am"), it was interestingly timed. You see, I just had submitted a facebook status before I went to bed that night explaining that it'd be a perfect gift to have a certain person visit me, but that I'd settle for a dream. Then I dream exactly that! I did not pray to dream, nor think of it, but it left me feeling hopeful. Not because I expect the dream to come true--it took place in the most random location! But because even if just in that dream I felt happy over never ceasing to love someone and doing it just enough to cause them to praise me and be overwhelmed by it...how much more rewarding is it to continue to do so in real life? 

I have no idea if any of this makes sense to anyone who is not me. But I felt like writing. I didn't even know I'd be explaining all of this. I simply meant to just think up a random story. But my dream came out of it. And well, it's not the first dream that gave me the feelings it did! I had another similar one a few weeks ago that I hardly remember now,  but it involved the same person for the same reason. And I believe I had at least one more in the past two months, totaling three, with the same thing happening in different ways. But this last one fit so much like what I've done in real life. I apparently dreamed the effect after living the cause!

The point is...dreams could mean more than you know when they leave you with more faith than you had before. ♥

Am I the Only One?

I feel I may be the only one holding on to such memories. It causes me to cringe inside. I'm wanting so desperately to take over the situation, as if God stopped paying attention.  But the truth is, I stopped paying attention. I forget to call upon God to help me and I pay not attention to the battle I once fought so hard in. I run through each day that passes, and only pause to think about how I miss you. Quickly I continue on as you still remain glued in my heart. I was so determined to fight, and never give up. And now...I can't even love you anymore. Because you're not around to receive it.

You don't seem to be taking any effort into apologizing for how you abruptly left, or the threat you easily placed in my hands as you departed. I allowed you the choice to let it happen, but I didn't know it'd turn out the way it did. I wanted to talk to you, but you only knew how to push me away. I am still willing to love you, but why on earth am I still hurting? Why does it sting so very much to have you away? Why does it touch the most sensitive part in my heart? I'm one cry away from running to you, and one mistake away from failure.

I tried so hard. I held in my pain around you, I found happiness with you, and I attempted to give you what you needed. I always saw a better version of you waiting to bloom, but you backed up each time. I want to reach out to you, as I always have before. I want to be me to you again. Life does go on without you, I am alive, and I can live without you. But what's the point?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wish you'd come right back into my life and pretend this never happened. Sometimes I wish we could be sitting at Denny's at 3a.m. ordering spicy chicken so I can give it to my dad later. Sometimes I wish you'd come over for dinner and laugh away the evening with me. Sometimes I wish I was sitting in your car with you, stalling for over an hour extra of your time. Sometimes I wish we were in the blankets aisle at Target, feeling every single soft looking material. Sometimes I wish we were at Subway again with extremely yummy cookies. Sometimes I wish we were taking a night walk so I could watch you be determined to let the sprinklers wet you. Sometimes I wish you were sending me random text messages to make me feel better when I'd get down. Sometimes  I wish we were listening to Stephanie Ann music again with the CD stuck in the truck. Sometimes I wish I was playing your piano while you fell asleep downstairs without getting mad. Sometimes I wish you here with me, listening to everything I've held inside without you.

And by sometimes, I mean always.

Missing Out.

I'd have to say that you're quite missing out on the things you at one time very much enjoyed. I tell myself that eventually it'll make its way to you though, and only for this moment are you missing it. I do think of you in the simplest things and hope that you've not lost yourself. I wonder if you fell completely into a hole of imperfections with the heaviest burden resting evenly upon your back. From the nonexistent communication between us, I am unable to determine your frailty. I feel as if it's deeper than it used to be, but I do not know all.

Either way, I'll build up great things for you if you do so choose to smile into my life again.

:)

Cold Space.

At one point he was the happiest human being settled inside my heart. It didn't matter what we secretly dealt with, we could find joy in the simplest of things. As time passes with cold space of his absence, I'm forgetting so much. I always think that the next day could be the end of my waiting. But if only it could be a "today" instead of a "tomorrow." 

It never truly felt like he left, but I know he did. I was so used to just knowing we'd be okay soon enough because we'd reunite each time we'd part. Faithfully he'd remain, and faithfully I'd love him just the way he was. God only knows how I did it, He gave me the strength to. I put my heart on the line and I don't even regret it. 

At this point, I really want to chase after him.

:(

Reflection of Absence.

You have hibernated yourself nicely inside my head. It's all I seem to know you by now. You sleep on clouds of memories and soar through skies of dreams. Sometimes we meet in my scattered mind of sleepily thoughts. When I wake, you vanish immediately and reality places you right back inside my head as I walk the real world. I much prefer my dreaming state, but I'll continue on nonetheless.

You're like an imagination of mine now. Someone I made up, spending countless hours of my week rehearsing our lines back and forth with your invisible self. At one point in my life, I wondered if you existed the way I imagined. Now I imagine the way you have already existed. It's just as beautiful if not better. And as you wander this earth with cold empty spaces between your fingers, I simply pray you find what you were looking for. Because as my eyes reflect the space of your absence, I'll know I did find what I had subconsciously looked for. Just that knowledge to know you came along when I least expected it will hold me over until I die.

All the places we once set foot at look so distant, holding the fondest memories I've ever created. It's like an entire different world right before my eyes as I smile remembering how wonderful that world was. It contained more laughter than grief, more smiles than frowns, and more love than hate. You gave to me more than I deserved, and you took less than you needed. You warmed my heart from the cold of winter and blew strength upon my tears. You brought me up when I hit rock bottom and taught me to believe in myself. You praised me for my accomplishments no matter how many failures I've had.

Without you I have learned finally who you really are. I now fully know what I had in front of me. And maybe...just maybe you can see me clearly. Who I was and who I became required the very existence of yourself to enter into my life to change me into who I was meant to be. I'll always miss you as long as you're gone for the lucid fact that I still love you. ♥

The Gift of Love.

The interesting thing about love is it always turns the saddest frown into the happiest smile. With that small, mustard seed size faith growing into the most vast stronghold, nothing is ever too hard. With the thoughtless words I hardly understood, I've forgotten the very importance of my deep love for you. As I confessed my inner feelings to the One who brought you into my life in the first place, I remembered every single reason why I ever believed. I replayed the memories I never let go of and came to the very same conclusion that I always have. No negative words could ever avert my gaze from your importance in my life.

I have finally found contentment during your absence. The lesson I was to learn has become so sincere, and almost complete. Subconsciously I have expected a gift right back to me from you. But that is not what love is about. I have accepted that true love will give and give until there is nothing left to give, and expect not a penny in return. God has given me the opportunity to learn such a valuable lesson by guiding you away. And I let you go. God put me to this test because He knew that I could do it, that I'd pass. I have found that my true happiness was that you would be taken care of. Therefore I have no reason to worry as you're away.

I am simply honored that God found me worthy enough to call me to show you a love only I could present to you...from Him.

May that be my gift to you, forever and a day.

Your Easy Way Out.

I'm convinced that you yourself don't even know who you are anymore. From the person I met, to the person I lost, you changed in the most heart-wrenching way. Your peers easily pressured you, and you were influenced dramatically by everyone except I. As I let you go with a tight grip, I clenched my teeth to reality. You were never ready for me and I was completely ready for you. I ignored your flaws for so long, until they simply pushed me away. It is an intense battle to refuse to stare those flaws in the face right now. I dislike this so very much and I stand here so helpless to you.

I've been reliving memories, and planning out the way I'll accept you right back into my life if you so choose to return. I've spent my days with no point but to pass them by as quickly as possible. The only connection we now have is a social networking site, and I'm surprised you keep us connected there. It's not in my heart to cut off that vessel, but it hurts to see the tiniest thing from you that shows you are not you anymore. Perhaps you drink your sorrows away, or follow the big crowd now. Maybe you don't even take your own path because you forgot how. Have your words you wrote sincerely to me in that unfinished journal become forgotten? All I ever wanted to do for you was make you happy. I sent you away with my last attempt--your birthday gifts.

Each night when I dream, you make your faithful appearance. The human part of me wants to become angry, as if you never deserved my love. But no one deserves love. It's just a choice we have to make to the ones that come along in our life. And I chose to apply it to our friendship and your existence in my life. Who you were to me, and who you were around me was this magnificent and beautiful person that I saw, waiting to erupt to show the whole world how you can be. But when you chose the man who gave me up, I almost felt the world weep with me.

But here I am, waiting anyway, for God knows why. Each day I think a thought of you and hope that soon enough you'll return to me and explain why you ever received me before. Your deep seeded guilt developed not because I cried over you, but because you couldn't choose to love me the way I loved you. You made the choice to take the easy way out and you walked away. Walking away myself would have been the hardest way. My easy way out was to keep you around. I suppose we're even now.

When you decided we should part ways, it wasn't for me to be healthy. No, your decision was solely on you, for you, and because of you. It wasn't the "right" thing to do. There was no right or wrong to be made. It was your simple choice to cop out. It was your chance to finally give me up for the life you wanted more. You sacrificed our entire friendship as to never be with me. And yet you asked me to forget you. You changed in a matter of minutes. In result, I lost my best friend to the lifestyle that could never accept me, nor love me.

And yet I love you.

Test of Love.

During a hardship, the truth reveals itself so clearly. The love we planted grows, and what we sew we reap. It is the time we find out if we truly loved or not. The battle between our mind and our heart comes to an end. When our mind is in it, we find every way to erase everything that reminds us of what was lost, or left. We delete the evidence of it ever existing and cry away the pain and move on. But when it is our heart, we hold on to the memories and continue to love. We smile at the past and look forward to the future. We know we made no mistake in the love that came straight from the heart.

This came to me by simply observing broken relationships, and watching a movie show recently. I, too, was in a friendship that had love from the mind. When it came to an end, I deleted what we had from my memory. I threw away letters, deleted chat logs, and acted like it never happened. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that I did not truly love him the way I was meant to love someone else. It wasn't the sincere honest love, and I didn't want to think it ever happened. I moved on with no hesitation. I knew I had to. Fortunately I wanted to, but it has taught me what love really is. Because I used this part of my past to compare to the one I could love.

I have also observed the relationships I've seen around me. I try my best to encourage those to seek love and not lust. But I find that some of us rush into something that seems to return what we desire. They give their attention to a particular person and like being noticed. Of course we all want to be cared for, but we fall too much toward a lustful relationship. Because in the end, when it comes crashing down, we fall apart and pretend it never happened. Pictures become deleted, past evidence that they were close at one time are erased. And they set a goal to move on and make up for the time they wasted. They start the cycle all over again.

Love is willing to wait and not rush. It is willing to love through the worst time just as much as the best--if not more. When we truly love, we see into their eyes, not at them. We dig deep to find their most precious treasures. Love is not physical affection, but rather emotional affection. It's diving into their heart and asking for nothing at all in return. It's always reaching your hand out for the time they may reach back for help.

When we put love into a relationship, if it breaks and comes crashing down, we don't erase them from our past, we embrace the moment. We let the past remain and burn not a letter, nor memory. We believe with our entire hearts that we did exactly what we were meant to do. And we press on and endure and move forward, not on. It is at that hopeless looking moment that our love is truly tested. The ultimate test of all. If they were to turn away from us, would we still love? If they never loved you back, would you still love them?

You see...this test was given to me. And I pray God sees to it that I pass it.

♥

Remember Us?

Dear You,

Remember all of our good moments, where we'd scream or laugh over the tiniest things? To us, they were huge. Our reaction was the proper proportion to the action. When I sit at the piano and play a song, I can't help but play back those memories. It's as if they were simply too good to be true. I felt so alive with you, so open to anything perfect. I didn't have to worry about anything. You looked at me like I mattered when I'd spent those minutes explaining the longest stories. I'd almost stop myself in mid speech until I realized I had your full attention anyway.

Remember sitting in the booth at a restaurant in the middle of the night? The waitress wouldn't return to pour me more water. As I jokingly and constantly complained about how much I wanted more, you finally attempted to satisfy my need by pouring the rest of your water into my cup. As ice cold water poured on my hand, my immediate reaction was the laugh. With you, I was happy and content. To me, it makes no sense to throw something that beautiful away.

Remember when you taught me how to dance? You paid attention to me more than anyone else I'd meet. I didn't know I'd claim you as the best at the time, but you always were. I found myself finally looking forward to each new day. You were the answer to my prayer in the best possible form. If I could relive an amount of years, I'd relive the past four. And through the heartbreaking moments, I'd still love you again.

Remember when I surprised you two years in a row on your birthday?

I just wanted to make you happy.

Yours Truly,
Me

Eleven Days.

In a matter of eleven days I have lost a home, my room, a lot of money, and most importantly, my best friend. It seems as I tried to keep my head up, I have finally reached that rock bottom. I was doing okay until it hit me--I am in debt! I did this to myself unintentionally and didn't fix the problem before it existed. It was all my fault. But yet it occurred during one of the hardest eleven days in my life. This debt sealed the deal. Losing my best friend hurt the most. But am I to lose before I win? Perhaps so.

This may be God's way in sifting me. In preparing me to survive. All because He has one heck of a surprise waiting on the other side of this horrible mountain. It all comes to what seems a bad ending first, and then a beautiful reward awaits. I've held on to this hope. I've held onto this promise. And I still have not given up. With God, I can overcome this stress. I will.

What seems the worst eleven days in my life is just the ending to the best battle I've ever fought.

I Should Not Have Cried Then.

Glancing back at the times I've cried while you were still around causes me to almost regret doing so. I had you right in front of me and wasted time crying over what could happen. And now that it happened, the pain doesn't compare. But I've found peace quickly. My hope remains that God gave us a purpose and His job is not finished. I shouldn't have spent time hurting, or shared that pain with you. I should have always showed how I truly felt. And that was happy when I had you around.

Suddenly it feels as if I have no purpose, but I know I still do. Each day I have no idea why I'm still here. As if you really did give me reason to keep my head up and be strong. Because with you, I had a goal. To make you feel so much like you matter in this world. And you do. You mattered a mass amount to me and as worth it as you were to my heart, you were even more worth it to God.

I almost wish I told you what was told to me. You see, God placed inside of me feelings that resembled His. As much as I deeply cared for you, so did He. He allowed me to ache for you because He desired you to love Him back. You matter to Him so much so, that He sent me to love you the way He wanted you to be loved. It took me a while to be ready for this, and it took a lot for God to prepare me. But He did. He stood me up when I fell, He strengthened me when I went weak... But most importantly, He taught me how to love you just the way you are. What I was told by an almost stranger is that the way I care for your entire life is the way God cares.

To me, this is the most beautiful thing. To be called to reach out to someone who needed it. God uses the most unlikely to do huge tasks. I, the quiet and shy girl who didn't even want to talk to guys, was called to love the complete opposite: a loud and talkative moose. If I could rewind time to your birthday, I'd hug you and never let you go. Interesting enough, when God called me to this...He knew I'd feel this way. And yet He let it happen.

Yet.

I cannot explain what I saw in those eyes, but they didn't go dull. They had so many unsaid feelings inside of them. I smiled like I normally did and it came naturally. I thought if I let you go that day, I'd have that memory of us to hold onto. But you were so you in such a different light. You were like a protection that almost broke away from me, but I was still comforted. For either one last time, or a lifetime. I couldn't put my finger on it, I couldn't understand what was happening. I just knew exactly what I had in front of me and would not have the heart to throw that away.

I was shaking upon your arrival, nervous because I was about to show you how much you matter. Upon receiving your gifts, you seemed satisfied. But it was your almost speechlessness that confirmed I broke into your heart. What seemed bad timing was the most perfect timing, but I had nothing to do with the arrangement. It was as if God was up there telling us to take one more look at what we had with each other. That if you walk away, you'll still matter the intense amount that you do to me. Because here, I'll be willing to give you all that I have. And without you, I'll set it aside, protected in the very safe place that I like to call my heart.

Perhaps it was all meant to be that we took the journey that we did. Everything fell easily into place and when I followed you, I knew exactly where I was going. We passed so many places that we planted memories at, and I knew that no matter what, there'd always be something there to remind me of you. But as our time ended, we forgot one thing. To say goodbye. But when I looked back at you as I walked off, it wasn't a goodbye to me.

And you haven't lost me yet.

21 Years Ago.

Twenty-One years ago, God brought into this world someone wonderful. It took 16.7 years for him to find me, but he did. I couldn't ask for a better story than this. Today I celebrate the fact that he's alive, and that I had the honors in knowing him. And although he may want to continue on without me, I know I'll still wait for him. I gave my heart to him indubitably at some point of our friendship. Wherever he goes, a part of me he will take. And I'll be taking a part of him with me as well.

He brought me out of my tiny shell and showed me the world. He poured confidence upon me and opened my mind. He taught me how to be alive. And I learned the importance of love. As I watched him grow, I grew dramatically so. When I saw him, I saw no one else. He became the best target I could set. I'll never forget all that he's ever done to me. Every tear that I may shed will belong solely to him. With him, I was more alive than ever. He knew how to take my worries away and make me laugh. He never even had to try, it was just natural for him to do so. I love him with my entire heart and I always will.

I'll be waiting.


Happy birthday, moose.

I Love You Enough.

While you're gone, I'll miss you every single day. I didn't see this coming, and I didn't prepare for it. But it's here. And I must deal with it. This is how much I love you. To finally let you go as you choose to leave. I'll always love you, and I'll never forget you. And while you're gone, I will keep the door open so that if you choose to return, I'll greet you with open arms. We shared the most incredible four years I could ever ask for. As all of our memories collide into one pool of sorrow, I won't give up hope. I know you'll be okay.

And that's all that matters.

Tomorrows.

It's an odd feeling to stare off in the middle of life and see your entire situation come stepping all over your heart. It pulls you away from the present and the future and past collide. You continue breathing and living in a today that you genuinely wish was yesterday. The only hope I find is in tomorrow because it never comes but I really wish it would. Maybe tomorrow would contain a different scenario that could save me from the hypnotization. In this I can only pray my way through. As the storm continues to pass by, I only grow tired.

I remember the way it used to be. Now it's something else and I can't get myself to understand why. I've lost the ability to battle the way I once did. If I turn around will I see I already passed the finish line? Or am I still in the race? Maybe my tomorrow will finally be today. Maybe love will show the difference it made. Maybe love will be enough. Can this finally all just be...over?

Time.

Day after day I wonder endlessly why ever this has lasted what seems so long. With you flows my inspiration, and gone have you taken it. I pretend still that you are alive in me, as if you never parted long ago. When I unfortunately remember you are but a clear shadow now, I am never content. As I finally accept I'm not the high priority in your ever-too-busy lifestyle, I step not forward toward you. Must I prolong the rid of the happy thoughts I've stored? Shall I continue to gaze upon our faces in a picture? I cannot find that proper strength to completely misplace you. I occasionally wonder if you care, as if it should matter. I guess it does to me.

I've promised to wait for the many things we planned. But you've broken too many of the promises you couldn't even make. I see now that I have officially lost the most important thing I had no idea I had with you. I should have cherished it so much more before, but now it's gone. You've failed to give it to me and perhaps I don't deserve it anymore. Although I never took it lightly. I always held it tight when I had it. I stretched its length as long as I could. You see, I miss it an immense amount, but I'll accept that I cannot openly have it. You found your priorities. I can clearly see them above me. And the one thing you fail to give me is your time.

A Good Cry.

I have that occasional cry now and then. I'll sit myself down against my bedside, run the heater for warmth on my feet, and ponder life. I allow the deepest things closest to my heart to take flight into my mind and usually a tear or two forms. If I ponder long enough and think about the most effective scenarios, I'll drop heavy tears. I only allow this to happen as to not hold it so harshly in. I need a good cry just to still feel alive and careful, that I'm still enduring. I need that feeling that I am fighting, and if I feel as if I'm sitting, I ache. If I have not a task to do, not a battle to war in, I feel so useless and it rather causes a different pain. A worthless pain.

As nothing happens, I wonder what's being stirred. What is to change? Because even though you've faded a bit, you still remain buried in my heart. I'll just keep hoping we never lose each other. If the world ever attempts to pull you down, I'll always be here to hold out my hand and pull you back up. I never want you to ever feel worthless ever again.



I still love you.

Smitten.

Were you just born to grow like that? The clothes on your body rest so wonderfully, hugging only when necessary. And here I find myself thinking of such a simple thing and I'm so drawn. Someone help me not think so much on this! You're the blurred and daydreamed image from my past, now presently real. It increases my cravings to take hold of you and hug you until time ends. You're stronger than I, and even something like that makes me adore you. At your simple touch, I freeze inside. Maybe you've noticed it. I've caught myself showing the signs that your nearness is my weakness. I thought I read it in your eyes that you saw, but I know not for sure. You're easily you, and I'm smitten. You're so lucky to walk around as the person I could only hope and wish to stand close to for always. ♥

Just Tired.

It feels like an entire decade has gone by since I've had the proper motivation to write out my sincere thoughts. But that's the thing; I don't think I know my sincere thoughts anymore. I go about two weeks without being around you, and then I see you for a small segment in a day, and then back to two more weeks and some odd days. I begin feeling as if I miss you, but as that fades, I just miss us. Maybe spending time apart was really the true solution to allowing you to fade from my life. And as you received what you maybe wanted, I'd just cry it out until I forgot what it felt like to be near you.

Maybe that's ridiculous to even think about. Maybe you're changing and I just don't know it yet. Somehow I want out of this icky feeling. It doesn't make sense to me and it's pulling me down daily. You should do something about this. Just step up and make a move. I'm out of actions to commit with us. I really am. I've done a lot, if you didn't notice. I think it's your turn. I'm tired. I'm used up. And I only wish to feel appreciated as much as I've grown to appreciate you. You have the ability to scare me. Please don't use it.

Let's just love each other truly now.

The Days of the Begging for Distractions.

Every day for the past two and a half years I've had to find reason to keep my head up high and be happy. I've failed to do so on many occasions, but I'd tell myself to keep standing. Every single day since I first found out what I've now become so used to. For that long it has remained the same. I can't even remember how it felt to not have such a heart-wrenching situation. Now I wake up each day hoping it won't bring me down. I've made it with the hope God gave me, and without that hope I would be nothing. Would I even be alive?

It has been a constant battle for me. During these two and a half years, I've searched for every solution that seemed right. I considered walking away from the problem, I've let go, I've prayed, I've fasted, I've talked with trustworthy people, and I've cried a lot. But I cannot and will not forget the strong calling I know God has given me. If I ever attempt to walk away, God asks me to come back. He gives me strength, sets me on my feet, and says, "Go." Constantly He feeds me reason to keep going, and constantly He has to pick me up. But He called me because He knew I'd make it to the end.

I often wonder what it would feel like for it to be over. This entire battle. For it to completely change for the better, and to not have that reason to cry anymore. All the pain because of it would completely vanish and it'd just all...be over. To get to that point is my goal. And love is my motivation. See, I imagine that day as the most  beautiful reward, giving me all the reason to not give up. I allow it to give me hope. I don't know the time or place, nor do I know what it will be. It's a surprise waiting to happen, and when I least expect it, it'll be completed. I'm sure when that happens, I will enter a new journey. And maybe because of this, everything else will feel like a lighter load. A piece of cake, to be exact.

So no, I do not hate where I stand, nor am I upset. I'm impatiently patient, but perfectly placed. I'm weak, but God is strong for me. Although I'm still living in the days of the begging for distractions, I'm alive. I'm still able to love, and I still know how. In the end, all this waiting and suffering will be more than worth it. That's the story I want to have, and that is the story I will tell. The fact about him that has broken my heart has truly challenged us to see if we two can make it through anything. And together...we have. Somehow. For that, I am thankful. I can only imagine how much more we can endure. ☺

Not Here.

My feelings want me to be angry and push away, but my heart wants me to continue loving. So I swallow those feelings, stand up, and love anyway. Why do I have to feel this way? I certainly didn't intend for it. But yet I'm here. And all I want to do is seek a way of escape. Now I just simply miss what I had. I would never in a lifetime throw it away. But now we've taken two steps back. If there's any type of reset button, I dislike it very much. It's as if I'm sitting at a train station, watching everyone else get on and off. But all I can do is sit there and wait because my train has yet not arrived, and I cannot escape the station because it's not beautiful here to stay forever. It's an extremely long wait in my human mind. I'll make it to the end, to the prize...but it's certainly not here.

Without You, Who Am I?

I felt so different, so awkward, and not myself. The feelings began hitting my mind as time passed. It felt almost wrong in a way, as if something was not the way it should be. A giant part of me was missing.

It was not you.

I was not laughing with you, driving in town with music playing loud. It was with someone else. The idea of that being so made me feel ugly inside. I began trying to imagine it with anyone else. This young man was not you, nor could any other man in the world place a happiness in my eyes the way you do. I've never been alone with a guy that wasn't you. Except family members, it has always been me and you. Not me and him. Not me and a stranger. I felt so off without you. Because of it, I realized why my mood was so hard to control. I wasn't myself. I was experiencing what life would be like if you weren't the only being I ever sat alone with.

It was awkward. Not offense to him, he's kind and a friend of you and I. But it felt so much like I was betraying you. In no way was I doing so, but it felt like it. With you it's as if my heart beats perfectly. My mind is not somewhere else, it's just with you. With you I am complete, and no other face comes to mind. I never feel like I'm betraying anyone. I never feel I'm wasting any sort of time. I can't even worry around you. You are the only one who feels completely right. You're worth the pain of waiting for, and no other man should have to deal with me. Because with me will always come you, buried inside my heart.

Would I have known this had I not experienced it today? No. But now that I have, I don't even want to try again. I missed you greatly so, and I miss you more even now. I'll never be the best company without the contentment that you're happily in my life. I disliked how empty I felt. It hit me so incredibly hard that I wanted it to end. I couldn't feel okay that I wanted to escape. It had nothing to do with him, just myself. Today I fully knew that nothing works like you.

No one.

Never Forgetful.

I dislike when seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days. It makes the journey feel so much longer. And at that moment my tears feel heavier and I just want out. Everything felt like it was getting so much better, and somehow I brought us down. Now you feel so out of my grasp, as if I can easily just lose you. At this point I want to rewind time to when I was inside your arms. And I'll correct my mistake and not let you go. If I made you happy already, I want to continue to do so until we die. If this is good enough for you, this is all I'll give--love. This is what you can always have. For your entire life. Me, loving you. You have what I may desire, but because you enjoy it, you should know why I crave it. You have what I crave. Do you understand?

You're the only person in the world who makes me happy and scared all at the same time. I'm happy to be around you, to know you, to see you smile. But I'm scared to have to handle losing you, if that were to happen. Yet I do not feel I will lose you. I just inevitably fear what it would do to me to see you pay less attention to me. What if you gave what I desired in return to someone else?

No. Please don't let that happen. Not while I'm alive. :(

We watered our roots, they're too deep to cut out now. Even if I moved on, I'd never forget you. I'd always think about you. I still believe I was meant to love you. If I left, maybe you'd see I was your godsend too.

I Believe You, God.

I'm holding on to You, God. I'm clinging so tightly. I believe You, I truly do. I know You're sending me out to do Your work and I know You have a purpose for everything You ask me to do. Just give me the words to speak, the direction to go, and the heart to believe. Help me persevere with the ultimate faith and diligence. You truly do make miracles. And I have no reason to doubt that. Make a way where there seems to be no way. Replace my own desires with Your own. And never let me give up on my calling. Thank you for getting me through the storms.

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

I Cry Standing For You.

I couldn't seem to help it. It just happened. I stood in one spot, feeling weak, staring at the picture of you and I. Tears flowed down my face and my lips were quivering, but I just stood there. It's as if I'm having the hardest time waiting this out. My entire body is now aching deeply to be next to you. As we grow closer, it grows stronger. I've been fighting with this for over two years, but now more than ever I want to fight harder. Yet I've used up all my strength for you. I rely solely upon God now, and God alone. To see you happy means so much to me, but to not know why, or if I'm a reason, confuses my mind. I try to push these thoughts away each time, as to not create past fear. But you haven't told me anything.

At this point, you're the only human being I feel content to ask God for. Everything that happens with us has become no surprise to me. It's as if it's all perfectly planned out. And I expect it now. Somehow we're joined together with a connection we couldn't have made on our own. I want to wait for you, and I'm crying while doing it. You're beyond special to me now, you know. But I don't know how to say it to you anymore.

When you hugged me, my immediate thought was that I didn't want to let go. Yet I let go sooner than I would have because I was afraid you'd feel my heart fail to beat. But as I did hold on for those few seconds, I felt complete. I was united with my godsend, connected perfectly. Am I only dreaming that you notice now? Am I daydreaming my way to feeling okay? In my mind, we have the perfect relationship. But in reality, we have a beautiful, confusing friendship. I ask God while on my knees to take care of you. Every time I pray, I ask Him to give you peace when you're breaking. I cry because when I can't say "I love you," I ask Him to do it for me.

When this battle finishes, I hope I find myself in your arms again...

A Token.

Today I'm presenting to you a token of my eternal care. I can't say I'm nervous, I'm just anxious. After this, I'm leaving everything else to be a surprise. I'll pry not and I'll beg not. Last night I stared long and hard at the stars. The clouds were coming in, but beyond them were all the sparkling diamonds I adore. When I survey the beautiful sight, I feel so much closer to God. As I confessed all my thoughts and let everything in, out, I went to sleep with a smile. I've become content, which took persistence and diligence. I now have no reason to walk away. Therefore I'm planting my feet at this spot and allowing love to water me daily and deeply.

I've three and a half hours to go before I will see your alluring entity. Wrong me not, your heart is twice as splendid, and the very reason I've a token to present. I already know I'll be happy tonight, you've yet to give me reason not to assume. I don't know where you stand, but I know where I stand. Right here. In your life. Giving the love God put inside of me for you. Unconditionally and fain to do so.

I'll be waiting.

♥

A Wise Avoidance.

There are places in my past that are much too heart-piercing to return to. Places that have previously shattered me in such ugly ways, that I could never explain it. It's a part that I finally got through, and to go back and read evidence of it spills a rather disgusting acid inside of my heart. The present has served to be a much better place, but it's a great shame at how frightened I am to glance at that specific part in my past.

Of course, none of it is what I've done, but what I've seen. What I've witnessed. The effects of the soul I attached myself to. I could never understand how it got the way it did, but I am glad it is not there anymore. I was too afraid to accept where I stood. I was beyond terrified at how far it could go. As I continued to ignore the woeful thoughts, I tried so hard to focus just on God. You see, He gave me the peace I really did need. He gave me the hope I couldn't find anywhere else. He gave me the knowledge to understand He can fix my problems. He brought me through such a dark and horrible storm. But I did not escape alone.

I like to think that I brought sunlight in even the smallest way into the life that I watched. That I ran my way through the storm so that he could make it through too. Not that I was saving him, but that God was. To bring us to a better today, to understand what is to come. And as the story continues, and we're still seeking answers, we're not where we used to be. This particular soul ended up holding my heart in his hands, and wherever he ran, I felt it. We suffered two different types of pain, but we did not have to be alone. As my empathy came to be, I understood.

Some places need to remain patched up and buried deep into the past. Places that we should avoid because it is sealed; it is done; it is put away. It is forgiven by each party and by God. We are new peoples living in new days. We made it to a completely different year than any before. One filled with possible permanent happiness and overwhelming joy. I may not have the exact answer I was looking for living in front of my eyes or into my embrace. But it's closer than I've ever seen it. It's as if it's one step away. And God got me through it all by two simple words: love him.

Don't go back to what hurt you--it's a wise avoidance.

The Journey.

I took the time to remind myself what brought me to this exact place that I'm at. And trust me, it's a beautiful thing. I know it has made me feel very weak, but this is only because I've used a vast amount of strength that God lovingly gave me. Quite a while back I wrote words about not knowing why I always felt I needed to love you no matter what. And as the year and some odd months passed, I saw the bigger picture. Along the way, God gave me the knowledge that He has promised me something. As I run this race, I am promised a prize. To give up now due to weakness would be a simple action of doubt. I do have the strength to make it to the end, and I will drag myself there if I have to.

Too many people give up before they reach the end. But you asked me, "How do you know you're near the end?" And although it was just a mini conversation on our wondrous walk together, it ran deep for me. I replied telling you, "Because there's a sign. See!" Ahead of us there literally was a sign, in which you made up what was written on said sign. Today as I sit thinking of what we easily talked about, I find it has more meaning than we know. If we look too far ahead, we begin to fear we can't make it. But if we focus on the small steps ahead of us, we'll always make it to our destination. Every step ahead of our last step is a new destination.

What feels like a dead end road to me is simply a road waiting to be created. The wall is waiting to be knocked down for us to enter new grounds. To learn new lessons, and grow more strength to endure new things. The wall between us has simply protected us so we may understand and never enter a journey prematurely. Because of all that we've ever faced, I was able to be challenged. And I've come to really see that I am passing this test.

To love you through everything.

Dead End.

I'm not sure if I should put myself in the place that I do. Sometimes I want to give you what you deserve. But I'm not even sure what that is. It's not like you put me here yourself. I just ended up here in a daft spot right next to you. I wanted to love you the way God asked. But in the process I grew in love, and quite the dramatic amount. What do I lack? What am I not giving you that you desire? Where are we even going?

You've given me the image of a dead end road. It's as if I stare at this sign and weep and sob, looking at the very beautiful soul that stands tall on the other side. You say nothing. When I tell you how wonderful you are, you say nothing. You keep silent about my open heart and I'm afraid to read that silence. I keep hoping that every new opportunity to see you is a chance that you'll tell me you love me. I simply dream it though. I know we're not there. I like to pretend you belong to me though, and that I belong to you. Just to ease the pain for a while.

You were right. I did let you keep the key. You did have it all along. And I don't mind that I've let you in, even if it hurts.

Godsend.

During the reminiscing of our friendship, I've come to thoroughly understand that you truly are my godsend. Because as almost 4 years of knowing you become complete, you're more wonderful to me each new day. I never claimed to be great at holding this in. So I'm pouring it out. I'm about ready to shout it to the world. I was meant to love you and the desire to do so has never once left my heart.

Your eyes are my favorite place to dwell. You were designed in such a unison to me that I know now why I'm so drawn to you. I always have been. I looked forward to your presence the moment I accepted you as a friend. You were exciting to see, and even though I did not know what you were going through deep down inside back then, you showed happiness still. Your eyes always seemed to light up when I'd see you. You made me feel so much like I mattered in the world. It's as if you saw nothing ugly about me; that you genuinely liked me as a person. You see, you may have noticed I genuinely liked you, but it definitely goes both ways.

This all may have given me a hope you didn't intend to pass out, but it was inevitably placed in my hands. This hope brought me here, today, loving you still. I was made to love you the way I do. And as you continue to keep me around, I'll still remind you of how extremely special you really are. The hardships we've been through is the very proof that you were meant to be in my life, and I in yours. I can completely see why God made me into the person that I am today. Why He set me apart to transform my life. Because He wanted me faithful.

Because He knew you.

Exactly Where I Needed to Be.

To say the least, I felt complete. There was and is no other human being that could have made me happier. It was as if I was exactly where I needed and wanted to be. Sitting right across from you, enjoying your sincere smiles. I knew why I looked forward to those hours before they happened. I had no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have joy with you. I never know what to expect but I'm always left moved. You were you, only better, and you continue to do so each day.

Do you understand why I still cry over it all? Lately I've been digging into your words, your emotions, your eyes, and I'm trying not to plant thoughts in my head that could be incorrect, but I'm desperate for hope. Had I not known any better, you truly would be fooling me. Friends feels like an understatement and I would never desire to take our happiness we have been sharing away. Whatever you have been doing lately is working. And now I miss you.

Do I Understand?

I could write up an entire novel attempting to explain the tiniest detail of how I felt with you. But what words could possibly convince anyone of such happiness? You've done this to me, whether it's intentionally or not. You've allowed me to soar high. But this time it was as if we sat comfortably on the same page. As if you saw what I saw and you enjoyed it too. I cannot understand why I would see incorrectly. I don't know what else to do but read into your smile. It was brighter. You were different. And yet I have no idea what to think.

You'll always be loved by me.

The Dislike of Disappointment.

Is it ridiculous to be saddened over how easily disappointment can be found? For just a few moments, I am lacking to ignore that obliterating feeling. It's a one-time only thing to me, to claim, that I'm easily put down when I have to miss it. Like not being able to have a party on my birthday, knowing I'd have to wait a whole entire year before being able to attempt it again. The fear and disappointment hits me hard, as if I'll miss that chance. Once I get into this mode, I begin to do whatever I can do to make it work.

I've come to truly understand myself. That giving up does not come easily at all to me. I have this strong perseverance inside of me for the things that are so heavy in my heart. I have the willingness to keep trying until I'm satisfied and happy. But too easily I am saddened as it does not happen.

I lost a lot while growing up. Maybe that's why.

One Perfect Set of Arms.

Sometimes it's as if there's only one set of arms in this world that could wrap around me so perfectly. I once found myself in them. Perhaps at the time I was unaware that I would lose such a hiding spot. My entire being wants to run back in time and rest inside there once more. If only the owner of said arms could just build that small shelter around me again. I sadly recall the day I was informed I couldn't enter them anymore. I accepted it with the most deteriorating heart one can accept such a fact with. But now as time stretches extremely wide, I'm aching to find myself back in that safe, warm spot.

I wonder if it's silly to desire such a thing. The most incredible person to ever discover holds every solution to my cravings. As I run, I do not get closer, and the greatest things I can ever imagine remain in my face. So close, yet so far. Sometimes...I just wish I could have that hug again.

Burning Crave.

I silenced myself. I kept it inside and suffered again. I swallowed it inside of me and played pretend. I regretted it later and bite my tongue still. You hold the pages I want to write sincerely on, to even explain a piece of this. I try to dismiss this, but my mind dislikes my attempt. The craving is eating at me like an animal, as I keep pushing it aside. Instead of giving in and holding on, I push you. Instead of giving in to such a craving, I hit you. I immediately become disappointed that I'm doing so, and I wish it would stop haunting me. I can't just not believe in what became literally clear to me. My daydreaming is taking over my life. Why won't it stop? Why can't my mind just be still? For once.

I'd call this a train ride with no destination in your eyes. And that's what bothers me. I deal with such a heartbreaking fear of losing you. Not knowing where this will ever go with the way it is now kills me within. I've the heart to hold you close, but you hold out no hand to grab. Miraculously, I hold not this against you. But to love you has become the easiest and hardest task I've ever been given. No part of me wants to discontinue such love I've set out to give. But the more I do, the more I break. I become so attached as the burning flame inside of me grows stronger. There is absolutely no way I can put it out now.

I admit. I want you to hold me. And it kills me that you're not. I feel so unable to contain this with normality. I've absconded from the world, from all eyes that might read me. It's as if I've been running too fast for my feet to keep up and I'm now laying flat on my face, seeking enough strength to at least cry. I've pictured the smaller version of you and I've weeped an intense amount. I've come to acknowledge that you're the most special person I've ever met. And I cannot imagine a life without you. Because of this, I'm extremely happy you're here. Despite our circumstances. I wish that was enough to ignore the burning passion.

If this does not pain you, then I've taken it away.

Passion.

Your eyes are too powerful that I lack the ability to gaze in return. Your walls are cold and I let them push me, as I cannot stay too close to you. I fear the abusive passion deep within myself, slicing through my heart. But here I am taking my chances in the smallest ways. I'm putting my heart on the line just because I find you worth any type of pain. The pain I like to endure is the thought that I'm suffering instead of you now. That I truly can put on such a burden to allow you to rest. To place you high in my life to prove to you that you're worth more than you never knew. I'd ache a storm for you, I'd take a bullet--just about anything to give you peace. 

You should know I send prayers to God asking Him if I can keep you...just to keep loving you more.

All Along.

I had the mindset that I was beginning to understand in enough detail my purpose. I suppose I did understand enough, but then pieces I didn't know were missing fell gently into place. It snatched all speech out of my mouth and inevitably I cried the much delayed tears. I knew not what was being set out before me years ago, but today I've come to acknowledge in what I find a miracle. I was so unaware of what I walked into, but set so perfectly in place. Just on time God teaches me to use His love and I try hard to change my old ways. In the process of doing so, I find the most exquisite human being that changed my world. It was put so heavily inside my heart to set out to bring this person so sky high, that I was willing to risk my heart. And I have.

A miracle later, I am crying. Looking back at the past that I've paid not much attention to at times, and seeing what God was really doing. I was set to do a task that I couldn't understand until the story was half written. I was transformed and I've come to almost fully grasp the power of God's love. That despite my circumstances, He's working in the most wonderful way. He's teaching me how to love someone...no matter what.

It's always worth the risk of your own heart. To put it on the line and just love. To forget about your own situation and look at someone else's. To be the enticing difference. To be able to see what I see in this particular person was from the very set of eyes God gave me. Suddenly my problems don't matter. I want to love someone who needed it long before I knew. And I can only wish to make up for the lack. Somehow, little is much. Somehow.

The Perfect Gift.

You're like the perfect gift wrapped wonderfully that I set out to give fain love. Your smile is the ineffable glee sparkling in the very deep roots of my eyes. With every wave-crashing emotion inside my verity, I've grown to deeply adore the specks of perfection you flick upon me. The mirror you own speaks the utmost lies into your heart, as I ponder the beauty it lacks to portray. Each word that crosses my mind constantly fails to describe the awe of you. For what I have found inside the treasure you are to me is indubitably special beyond the ability of proper measurement. There will not be a single scratch on the very footprints you've embedded into my frail heart.

I would climb the tallest mountain to prove to deserve such a gift.

The Hard Part.

I remember this part quite well. I never liked it because it felt like the end of hope in the most horrible feeling. But I've always overcome this part of the battle and I tend to lack to remember that. I just want to get it over with. I did this once, why again? It's become too hard for me to rightfully endure. But in no way do I desire to just cop out of this race. I want out but at the same time I want to stay in and watch it evolve into something rewarding. I'm having such a hard time accepting my current state of mind.

I had hope snatched from my grasp and stolen from me and I'm determined to get it back. Life without it sure does prove to be almost lifeless. Why must I question everything all over again when the answer was always staring me in the face? What appears to be so now is only temporary and I've been told plenty times it is not over. There are still more words to be written in this story of my life. And if I give up now, I'll only get worse. As much as I wish this were over, the longer I suffer, the more rewarding my prize will be. And the more I'll appreciate it.

I can do this.

Fear.

This is the part I forget I dread. I get here and I wish I knew a way out. I'm struggling with fighting fear and to be okay I have to stare directly at God. But I get distracted with tear drops and the broken feeling of my heart. My prayers turn into screaming cries to Heaven, asking Him "why?" more than necessary. I stop understanding what I had so much faith in days before and I wish time would rewind. Of course, I only desire to go forward because I cannot afford to repeat. But I only hope and pray my feet find the strength to at least crawl. The odd part is we're smiles and laughter, making my sorrow senseless. I'm happy with you. I really am. But fear keeps telling me I'll lose it all. And it's the one thing I'm having a hard time ignoring. The one thing I give to God tonight.