Yet Faithful.

God is such the perfect encourager and reminder to have faith. He gives me enough reason yet again to keep my head up and believe. But yet I'm silently tearing up over what is the now, wanting it all just to end. But I know if there occurs a good-bye, I can almost assure you I'll be crying nightly, if not always. I try hard not to allow this to get to me, but the thought of it hurts. Then I think back on God's Word, God's promise, and God's faithfulness and I tell myself to smile and keep going.

How much longer do I wait? How much further do I go? It may not be necessary knowledge, nor is it for me to know. But curiously I wonder how much I can even endure. I feel closer to the end, and weaker by the day. I pray I'm not wasting time. I pray I make it through. Because if he not be the prize at the end, then I admit the fear of the deepest pain to exist. As I wish for it all to end, it seems the only way out is in. Just to have him love me just the same in return. But either way, I still love him.

I find that's all that matters in the end.

Comfort and Joy.

You're happiness was my comfort and joy. You also blessed me more than I could even ask for. I ached deeply inside not to be able to embrace you with utter thanks. But as I watched you leave, I remembered the words I wrote you in the letter you took home. I do adore you in my life, but it'd be selfish to keep you around for that matter. Maybe you saw what I saw. Maybe you see what I see. If I made you happy this day as well, then I hope you cherish the reason why.

Thank you for the joy you bestowed upon me tonight. Thank you for being in my life, even if just for now.

Prolonging the Rid of Us.

I keep considering that good-bye to your wonderful being. I'm extending the days and weeks that I keep you, but counting down the days until I watch you walk away. Where I want you is where you'll be truly happy, instead of standing next to me. But I know I have this everlasting it seems faith, something that has not left me. It remains embedded into my heart, a small little hope that soon you'll come at me, running in full speed and I'll hold on tight and never let go. I dream of a day you'll look at me and realize I've desired to love you my entire life, before I even knew you. I still want to hold onto that hope, that faith, and it has caused me to cry with an intense amount of passion ever so often at the thought of actually leaving you.

Maybe I am really afraid of what your departure would actually do to me. I prolong the rid of us at every smile and laughter we share, never ready to bravely say good bye. This is what you wanted me to do, that if I couldn't contain my feelings I'd walk away. Around you I pretend to contain them, but I know they're running in circles in my mind, screaming at me so loudly that I cannot see past them when I look at you. I'm silently begging you to hear me out and make it all go away. But your honesty is so frightening because I selfishly want to hear that you just love me. I've grown too attached to detach and too in love to forget.

Wondrous.

If by any chance you happened to be unaware of how utterly wondrous you were, I would like to do the honors in informing you. Of course, allow me some time to find words that could even somewhat compile my thoughts together into perfection. By the way, I cannot do that. There's something about those things that remain indescribable. I've yet to define them. Not that I've tried. I'd rather stare in utter amazement to get you to understand.

You possibly don't know what you're doing.


To me.

The Gift Wrapped in a Blanket.

Interestingly the honest grin pasted itself immediately on my face, casting all worries aside. I could care even less for the horrible things now that I sat next to a wonderful gift wrapped in a blanket. I would not imagine trading this for anything else in the world. The moment I was in was the best it could be at that point in time. I was brought comfort in more ways than the obvious. I cried for one simple reason that night and I was content with my weeping.

I'm determined to keep the promise I made with my Father; to love no matter what. I could run from you, I could let go, but if you ever follow me, if you ever come back, I'm always going to commit to love. I've placed you so beautifully high in my priorities. You are indeed my priority on this earth. It never matters what others think or say about you. I can't see a defected version of you--just perfection imperfectly perfected.

I'll dread the day you leave.

Trusting You.

This time I'm not going to let the obstacles bring me down. You know, the sickness when I'm almost complete, the doubt when I'm almost happy--those sort of things. I'm not going to give up! You call me to one thing and I'm sticking to it until Your work is finished. I'm letting go of my tight grips and clinging to You alone. Help me to stay away from old thoughts and old decisions. Honestly, we only hold tight to the things we're afraid will leave us. And I want to learn how to let go trusting You've got it under control. To let go knowing it'll leave if it should, or stay if You ask it to. I know he's not asking me to go, but I never said I was going to grab hold again. Thank You for giving me the strength to stand where I stand today.

In My Mind Wasn't Reality.

In my mind I imagined walking away, but on the phone we put a band-aid over the cut. We disconnected and I was smiling? You told me to have a lovely night and I did, yet two hours before that I thought I'd be suffering a bit. The words that couldn't come out completely vanished because apparently they were not meant to be spoken. I was going to tell you that I'll give you what you want. I was going to explain that I'll walk away. We both know we were desiring two different things--or at least you led me to believe so. I could envision a future with you, but you did not want that with me. I thought I would let you win and go along with your decisions. But you didn't even seem to have those decisions I assumed upon you. You didn't even care for me to walk away. In fact, you seemed to like that I stay.

I've gained this rather large trust with you. That if I so fell back and you did not catch me, I would fall until I hit the floor. But I know you would catch me and for that I am thankful. I often accidentally spill out every detail of every situation in my life. But I hide nothing from you because of said trust. In return, you've hinted that you have it too. You can spit out an entire ocean of honesty and I can guarantee I will still love you afterwards and nothing will cause me to look down on you. You can tell me every piece of your heart and I will hold each one dearly close. You can spill out your pain and I will do whatever I can to lighten your load.

In my mind I imagined giving you the key and running as far as I can in hopes you'll run after me. But in reality, you already used that key a long time ago and I was one open heart. You somehow stitched up the cuts and bandaged the wounds that I was accidentally creating. There are no words in every dictionary to describe who you are to me. And, you see, it's not who you are to me that hurts me...it's who I am to you that I cross my fingers to. I've worked hard to get a positive evaluation from you and I've yet to see the results. 

You were created so uniquely, but perfectly set in my path. It's not that you're too lazy to push me away. I truly believe it's because you're too you. And I would not have you any other way.

Much Love,

Stephanie Ann(e)