Much Better.

All it takes is forgetation, forgiveness if needed, and a taste of moving on. Open eyes, lips curved up, mindless thinking--much better. What a silly game to play, to wait, to expect--just BE. Let your existence grow and take off with the wind, landing where it pleases. Let not the heart shatter upon your ignorance and doubt; the pain it doesn't deserve. Whether life tosses pebbles at your window or rocks, don't waste your time complaining about the broken glass. Let the air flow in and take you away; let it be fresh.

Don't let your feelings catch a disease of non-important factors. They're precious, you know. Your memories can bring you back home, or chase you away. Choose them to be memories that will grow you stronger. There's a reason for every obstacle built in our paths. To avoid them is preposterous because they're a part of the race we so dearly run. Life is the light in your eyes and the blood in your veins. To end it due to pain would stop us before we won and never take us to the prize.

Smiles screaming, lights glistening, happiness dancing around in every direction--it's okay to dream the future. Who's to say you'll fall off a cliff if you could very well climb the tallest mountain? We're always one step away from another opportunity and two steps away from success. No sense in going backward when forward holds something better. We're meant to suffer for great things just so we know what an accomplishment is.

Let your heart taste candy and let it be sweet. Love doesn't have to be a thousand miles away if you'd simply form it in front of you. Let life throw the rocks at your windows and catch them when they come. Hunt down every falling star and store it in a place to not forget. Capture the laughter and store it in a jar. Let not your mind cut off your circulation but rather massage your emotions. Touch the sky like it's right in front of you and let it run for miles. Make infinity your limit and believe in the unreachable. Life is your existence. Smother it.

Almost When I Did.

Almost when I thought I was doing quite well--I was feeling great, I was fine--it all finds its way back, staring me hard in the face. It was almost screaming at me to remind me it's around me and has not left me. I could brush it off and ignore it, but that doesn't necessarily take it away. It's like my feelings know when I'm better and make it a goal to destroy it. Perhaps it's better to take down something when it's great rather than when it's horrible. Maybe it's the only time I can handle it. I will be okay, of course. I just really want to find my place.


At church on Sunday we all went to the front and the pastor prayed over everyone individually. While I was standing there with my eyes closed, I realized I need to pray it out. I cannot hold anything in because God wants it all. So I did. I prayed how I felt and told God I wanted something new. To get me out of anything that hurts me and to find something new! Soon the pastor was praying over me and his words hit me hard. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It's not that he could read my thoughts, but that God was speaking through him. I could tell because he said exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment.


Take away the doubt and fear from her, Lord. Give her something new.


I wish I could remember his exact words, but it was the feeling it gave me that mattered most. Was I really doubting again? When I think I'm not, am I? I had fear and I was leading towards doubt. Again. 


God has His ways and I am very thankful.


Tonight I realized I felt alone. Not that I'm alone, but that I felt alone and I had no idea! I've ignored this thought for such a long time now. But maybe that's it! I'm lacking a feeling I've never had before, a comfort from someone else. I don't understand how it is to have someone look highly upon me. I don't know how it feels to have someone just hold me for protection and care. I don't have someone to unleash my love upon, someone to take care of. For nineteen years I've just been me. 


But now I'm still me, wondering how it would feel, wondering when my time will come to at least know how it feels. I've pushed away many guys who hinted they're interested. I didn't want an attraction from someone. I wanted a friendship. To get to know me because it came naturally. To never go out of their way to please me. All this time and I could only manage to make one friendship with someone unintentionally who built walls around them. I fell into a trap of pain and when I wanted out, I fell back in. And now I just scream, "PLEASE, GOD. Give me something NEW."


At one time I felt close to Matthew. And now I feel miles away...

Distance Contained.

[I spoke too soon and must write.]

The day was special, up until the end. But the moment I decided to let it all go and change my mood, you turned down my offer of a hug; my action made to feel better. I'll look past that, I planned to do it while you made up excuses. It wasn't my intention to appear rude--I cracked. Your attitude did not change even for that one day--my day to be exact. I was used to most of it, but do you ever stop? I'm not sure you considered any of my feelings that day. And now I'm left with one memory of it all. For the most part the day was good. Of course, it'd make more sense if it was just a normal day. But it wasn't.

You've known me longer, but probably made her day better. For me it's "happy birth anniversary" because that makes more sense to you. But for her, it's "happy birthday" with a little extra added, of course. Maybe you saw her, and maybe she got a hug. Maybe her feelings aren't wrestled with and she's fine and dandy. You please her just enough for nothing to matter.

I force nothing upon you and silence my speech. There's nothing you can do unless it contains distance. You can't even prove that a hug means nothing. I won't ask for one anymore. I never really do, but for the sake of my day and you somehow being one of my close friends, I thought I'd ask (seeing as how it didn't come naturally). But that's okay, it's just not your thing anymore. Who knows what happen to that person; I sorta miss him, but I'll get over it.

I'm beyond thankful for the kindness you did show. I guess I just wish it ended well instead. Or maybe I wish I was emotionless and didn't really care. Maybe I wish a new personality helped me forget everything. I'm trying to forget your existence now for the sake of my heart. If the friendship isn't mutual, it's hardly friendship. You work out nothing with me, so I need to stop trying. I seek to please those around me by being a better person. I do it often with you. But if you don't see it that way, then I suppose nothing matters.

Now I'm left with one memory of it all. On my day...you couldn't even say happy birthday to me.

Our friendship now contains distance. Maybe you're happy now.

Lack of Writing!

I haven't felt like writing lately. And by writing, I mean thinking more creative! This post doesn't technically count. But I thought I'd update sorta of WHY I don't feel like writing!

That means I need something new! Everything is the same old stuff. So now I'm just waiting for something new, while enjoying my days and trying to get back into photography for myself. Facebook applications have been addicting, haha!

Well, I took new pictures today of myself! But I need to edit photos for other people. But still, I was home alone and felt like trying stuff again! I think they're okay. Not anything new, stuff I've done before. Except the outfits are different of course. I teased my hair and it still died and isn't that tangled! Weird. But I need a shower anyway.

That's about it! Here is a small preview of the photos I took today...

Yes, it's one where my face is covered. Trust me, it's better that way with unedited photos. Haha!









Another preview:

Your Heart in My hands.

Place your heart in my hands,
And I promise I'll take care,
Occasional polishing, constant love,
We'll be a perfect pair.

If your tender heart,
Discovers deep pain inside,
I'll find the cure,
No need to hide.

I know it's tough,
This life we live,
But I'm willing to live it,
With a lot to give.

It may be difficult for me,
I'll grow from my mistakes,
But I'll wait for what God has,
No matter how long it takes.

So place your heart in my hands,
And I promise I'll take care.
Occasional polishing, constant love,
You're my perfect pair.