Dear YOU

Dear You,

I've seen you before! Or at least it feels that way. It bothers me that I cannot figure out why. You must resemble someone, I just don't know who. Yet I think, "What does it matter?" Reality is you hardly know me. But in my mind it's like I've known for just about ever. But that's just my personality when I become drawn to someone. I have this ability to create instant best friends. I throw out all the effort in the world to start the friendship. Not just to anyone though. It's a select few that I instantly decide, "Yep. They're amazing."

I'm not entirely sure how you even exist, but knowing that you do has given me hope. As silly as this may seem, once upon a time I imagined someone quite like you. Over the years it seemed like I wouldn't actually know anyone like that. I even unknowingly was settling for less. I understand I only know a portion of you, but trust me, it's enough for me to believe. I wouldn't ever force a friendship upon you though. I'm not entirely sure what has gone on in your mind in return. But you reminded me of what I truly desire in a person.

I sincerely hope that someday, I can be with someone just like you.

Sincerely,
Me

p.s.
Write back!

2012 is Ending.

The year is ending, and life is only getting better. But I feel like I've come to deserve an "uphill" season. I've fought long and hard for many things in life, and I know God doesn't intend for me to always feel that way. I know He wants great things for me as well. And that excites me. Because I feel like it's finally time for me to begin again. To finally reach a point where I can experience positive and happy things. That even though more trials may come later on, at least for now I can receive a reward for enduring all these years.

This entire blog has been filled with so many emotions, trials, and seasons in my life. It's pretty much everything it took to get to where I'm at and I finally feel like I'm leaving that huge chapter in my life. Because of how fresh I desire to feel when a new beginning begins, I will also carry along my excessive writing tendency onto a new blog. This blog will begin with a letter to the future, 365 days away. I will tell it what I imagine my life to be in 2013 and compare it to what really happened.

To add to my new blog for the new year, I will also be recording my life daily with video and uploaded to YouTube if anyone wants to come along with me in this new journey. I have an idea of what may happen next, but God is full of surprises. I'm not sure I should even bother to take guesses!

2013. You'll have LA trips, England trip, attempting to buy a car, move out, and find my true calling. Maybe you'll even include a special someone for the first time in my life. ♥

Last Minute Hope.

The last few days for me have been filled with utter joy, peace, hope, and confidence. I feel so much closer to a point in my life where I do not have to suffer with fear. I've been overcoming it so much, and God has given me hope in new circumstances. It's like a new spark set off inside of me and I have this burning passion to be happy for God. This is the medicine I needed. I had some bad weeds still in my life that I needed to walk away from. And sadly they were people. But I needed to step away and take the path God has given me without being so held back.

The new year is coming, and I have full faith that God has great things in store for me. I know the past few years He was building me and shaping me into exactly who He knew I needed to be. He knew what my true desires were, and He wanted to make it worth it. For that I am thankful and amazed. I would have never known in the years before, but I'm starting to understand now. I feel stronger and happier than ever!

Perhaps God has opened a new door that'll lead to a new beginning. I finally feel content and ready with no desire to become impatient about this. What has been shown to me is a new and old familiar hope. A hope that what I once dreamed of comes in reality-form after all. It's like discovering a moment you thought you once discovered but you become fully aware that it is happening for the first time. Is it possible to just know upon first glance that you've found the correct dream?

With 2013 around the corner, I'm beginning to feel happier than ever. It's like God set it all up to clean up a mess and lead me to a new chapter in life right at last minute. I feel at ease for the things I've waited for. It's like I just needed to know it existed. Perhaps I finally found that beautiful something. Even if it's just another glimpse of the truth, it's the most beautiful hope of all.

Just to know that someone like him exists.

Another Letter to the FH.

Dear Future Husband,

I remember years ago when I first committed myself to you. I began daydreaming with the most intense details. I imagined you as this amazing person that would be extremely worth the wait. I'd write you letters during class and pray daily that God would protect you. I'd write you poems and dedicate images to you. I didn't even have to know you, I just knew that one day I would and you'd be lovely. I was going to marry you, after all! Now that over six years have passed, I've not forgotten how dedicated I was.

As you'll soon know, I went through a lot of pain eventually. My letters to you dramatically decreased as a new friend came along. I was called to fulfill a purpose though. Maybe in a way that was how God took my mind out of the clouds and into reality because He knew I needed to grow to become the future wife you would deserve. But when I look back, I see that the opportunity for a relationship never rose. Perhaps that was God's way of answering my prayer and I just could never see it that way. Maybe you weren't ready, and He needed to fulfill these past six years in preparing both of us while apart.

I became distracted for years with the giant task I was given, and when I finally came out of it, there was someone place into my life for just a little bit. That person helped me confirm that I was very well capable of loving hard all over again. But they also helped me put all that I previously learned to the test. I guess God needed to test me. For me to understand what I learned, and what it really means to apply it to my life. And that lesson was to be patient, trust God, and not expect certain things in return when we choose to give. Maybe at this point you and I still weren't ready.

But now it is the very end of the year and I feel like I just got a glimpse of you. I've gained more hope than ever that there is indeed someone quite close to what I once could only imagine. And even if this particular person gets removed from my life as well, at least I now know what I'm looking for. I still imagine you to be quite amazing. And one thing is for certain...you will love God and serve Him too. Because that's how I'll find you.

Sincerely,
Your Future Wife

p.s.
I'll be there soon. :)

Endings and Beginnings.

Closing a book you've been in for years can be tough. Mainly because you may not know how. But sometimes in order to let go of the past, you have to let go of someone who was in it. Not that it's impossible to move on otherwise, but that the only person you can change is yourself. Sometimes their lack of change can pull you backwards. If I'm reaching toward a goal and walking a path that is complete opposite of them, how will I make it to that goal unless I let go?

Today marks the most silent goodbye I've ever done. It's the day I officially close the book I've read for too long. It needed its ending because the hope of a sequel was crushed years ago. I learned a different lesson though. I learned something entirely different than what I would have imagined. I had a completely different purpose than what I thought years ago.

I am ready now for new beginnings. I realized that I could not reach this point without God putting an end to some other things. The life I have chosen is to live for God, serve only Him, and love others just as I love myself. In this way, I hope to shine my light into the dark world and practice perseverance. I'll never shut anyone out of my life, but I will also not turn around to please them. I must keep walking forward because I cannot afford to go down such a dark path again. Not that I previously tried to, but that I've too often felt broken in the past and I want to be healed.

With this new life I intend to enter will come a new year as well. This New Year is something I'm looking forward to. I want to fully overcome a fear, control my mind more, and live without expecting. Although I have my personal dreams and wants, I understand that everything works together for good for those who trust God. He has a beautiful plan and I intend to discover this plan. This is who I am, merely a pilgrim passing through and I'd like to make a difference somehow.

It's not the end of the world, as we know. But I will say that it has become the end of an old life for me. Time to look ahead and find my new beginnings!

Impatience.

Dear God,

The truth is, I am suffering with some sort of impatience disease. Not that I act upon it, but that my mind gets lost so easily. It begins to imagine something I've never even had, and immediately it affects my heart. Is this Your way of showing me that it's almost time? Because it's always toughest right before we reach the finish line. Whenever I see the tiniest glimpse of what it could be, I suddenly feel completely ready for it. But if I'm clearly not ready for it, I sincerely pray you help me endure through these awful impatient feelings.

You've given me such a big heart, God. I have a longing to be a wife someday so that I can care for someone, stand by their side, and encourage them when they're feeling down. This would absolutely mean so much to me and I promise I would take care of him. I'd appreciate it beyond measure, I'd put forth effort to keep it alive, and never cease to water the relationship. You must have someone incredibly amazing that it has taken this long for us to meet.

May You open our eyes to find each other on Your very perfect timing, so that our waiting can come to an end. So that I can be his helper through thick and thin. That's really all I wish for this Christmas.

Genuinely,
Stephanie Ann

Patience.

With the year ending and the new year approaching, I've been trying to remain patient. I know I get sudden urges and split-second feelings of impatience, but I know what I'm waiting for. I know that it'll be worth it in the end. There is no need to envy anyone else around me who already has it. I never have before, no sense in being that way now. Not everyone has the strength to endure as long as I have. Perhaps I should embrace that quality and feel better.

Patience is a really good friend of mine. I've mastered it for quite some time now. I can last loads longer than the average human being when it comes to patience. Not that I have any sort of pride over it, but that it's honestly what I need considering the circumstances I've been given. But I really have God to thank for that. And now I just ask that He grants me a bit more patience to make it through this time that my curiosity grows stronger.

It's not that I'm begging for a relationship. I just have this deep desire to be a helper, just as God brought Adam one when he was lonely. And I imagine that the amount of time it has taken just to become that must mean that it will be utterly special. If it's in proportion to the wait time, it'll be beautiful. I want to make someone feel worth it, special, and exceedingly happy. I know that God will be their joy, but I'd love to share that love with them too. I'd love to remind them daily of their importance and be faithful as ever to someone.

I simply pray now that God will keep me safe and that I will remain patient. I guess you just never know when you're one step away from what you've been waiting for. God only knows if he's waiting for me too. I sincerely hope so though. If I could tell him anything right now, I'd tell him I already love him. ♥

Dear Old Friend,

Dear Old Friend,

It's never easy to say goodbye, but it's a much delayed necessity  You see, you and I are always going to be two people in history that'll share a story not many others can tell. But if we come to accept our differences, a parting must occur. This door must have been waiting to shut as we silently said our last minute goodbyes. And there's always a possibility I will see you again, but until then I must continue on without you. I sincerely hope that someday you will fully see the light that I attempted to show you all these years.

I have been confused, I have been in pain, I have laughed, I have cried, and I have dismissed false hope. But one thing is for certain, that through it all, I have loved you. Maybe you cannot see that it wasn't really I, but God, who loved you. And because of that I will walk away, taking along with me that love, so you will know. If I stay around, it will only bring me down to hear your silence deny the very God who created you and gave you life. But I've done all that I can and it's time for me to let you go completely.

But where endings occur, so do new beginnings. Maybe this is just the next chapter to my life that I've been waiting for. You've wished me happiness--well, I'm going for it. This doesn't mean we can never be friends, but that you must be first willing to be a friend to our Lord Jesus Christ. Because He is who I reflect and who I love, and who I live by. He is who you need in order to find me again. I came to help you, and now my job is done. It is time I move along.

You may not fully understand the need for this goodbye, but someday you just might. You have chosen your path and your lifestyle, and I have chosen mine. I have finished pointing to the direction I desired you to go because my signs went unnoticed. This has only saddened me because I once upon a time wanted to die for you, so that you may have freedom. This saddened me to see you walk the opposite way because I cared for you so dearly much that I wanted the absolute best for you, I just never knew how to tell you.

Well, I'll tell you now in this goodbye letter. God is the only one who can save you from the sin of this world, from the enemy, and from all that is out to get you. God is the only one who can give you peace in dark storms. Until you give your life over to Him, realizing you cannot do this on your own and that you are not perfect, you will continuously live in the dangers of the world alone. You must lose the pride, humble yourself, and hand the wheel over to a God who knows the way better than we ever will.

I've made this decision within myself, to give Him my all. In return, He taught me love, gave me life, and granted me peace and happiness when all looked hopeless. I never needed to look to another human being for comfort, even if I tried. I found it in the silence of a prayer. I hope you can find that someday too.

Someday if we meet again, I hope you remember all that I sacrificed because I truly loved you with my entire heart. Forever and a day.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

The Fear of Rejection.

Seven years ago when I could only dream of what my future would hold, I would have never imagined facing the fear of rejection. Maybe we all have a slight hint of it inside of us, never wanting to be turned down. But it has messed with my mind and my heart. With God though I feel like I can overcome it better in the moment that it occurs. When thoughts begin to somehow, inevitably enter my mind that could very well bring me down if I allow them to. It's not that I think I'm some horrible, undesirable person. I just happen to get very used to one type of behaviour.

That behaviour consists of friendliness and sudden silence. How I got to this point was by enduring through a five-year battle. And by battle, I mean friendship. You see, I grew to admire a human being who gave me a friendship, but could not give more. And although I was fine with that in the beginning, it eventually became all I knew. There were really not hugs, or talks of future, and the dreaded day came when they eventually began dating. I could not seem to rip myself away from this person for the longest time! But then God came to the rescue and made a way of escape for me.

Shortly after it ended, I experienced an indescribable sense of joy for almost a month. This is when I was introduced to the fear that planted itself inside of me during the previous battle. I had to deal with it and overcome. And by doing so, I faced my fear as a new friend came along. This new friend was lovely in the beginning and from lacking a bond without a complicated situation of "friend zone," I was more than willing to give it my all, if the day came.

The day didn't come though. In fact, silence came instead. I too often had to convince myself the individual was just extremely busy, as he explained. But after too many friendly comments, messages, and kind acts went ignored, I gave it all to God and moved on. Losing that friend was okay. I knew that he was not strong enough and I was too in love with God that I could not stand around waiting while being torn down in return.

Holding my head up high, I walked along. I made some goals. I decided I'd visit England, where I felt like God was leading me. I would plan my near future of getting a car, and moving away to where I can find a new job. And although these goals helped me this year through many months after Summer ended, there was a tiny little tug at my heart, wondering when the day would come that I could be cared and loved for in return from someone. I fought it away for years and years, remaining single with friendships that never seemed meant for more.

Maybe inside of me I fear that I'll gain feelings yet again, have desires for someone, and it'll be the past continuously repeating itself. As they do not have a desire to return the interest, I'd fight it away yet again, having difficulty facing this fear because I've yet to see the opposite happen. But yet I know that ultimately, in my heart, I truly believe God has a beautiful person waiting for me. I truly believe He was simply saving me from what I never wanted. From a break-up, an incorrect relationship and such. And maybe I'm merely a day away from meeting that very special human being, made specifically to be with me.

But can I really endure yet another false alarm? Because the next one to come my way somehow is far better than ever before. Something I probably merely dreamed up before, yet became willing for less. I never knew I committed such an act, but I always had a mass amount of faith that could believe God can change anyone. But maybe He had for me someone that didn't need that mass amount of changing because I deserved the best of the best from all this waiting and purity.

I sincerely hope that maybe I've come to the end of the cycle and that I have finally become ready for what God truly does have for me. I'm happy to love someone, be there for them, and grow in God with them. That's who I truly want. The fear of rejection will try to lead me away from that, but I must overcome. I must not allow the thoughts to race through my mind. Allowing me to think that lack of responses means I am not desired. Allowing me to think that communication is an annoyance. Was it ever really any of that? The enemy is out to get me, but I have a God who loves me! And I can make it through.

I'll Be Waiting STILL.

Dear Future Husband,

I've finally come to the point that I understand why I still needed to wait for you (despite the fact that we've yet to meet). But tonight felt like the finishing touch to a huge part in my life. I didn't know of its ending, as it has many false endings. But tonight marked quite the epilogue to that story. It may not be entirely done, but it is nearly there. What it has prepared me for is to give to you a love deeper than anything you've ever received from another human being. It'll be a love that God has placed inside of me, taught me, and bestowed upon me--for you. I have made a huge promise to Him that I will always love you. When you come, I will highly appreciate you. I will fully give myself to you in marriage, and we will be one.

What I needed to learn before meeting you has been placed inside the intense battle I finally overcame. But as life continues on, I'm quite sure that I could use a sidekick. We could shine our lights together unto the world. Through our story, our lives, and our love, we will show this world that God is still powerful and He is still working. I want to grow in Him with you and have you there during those moments I need a hug.

Darling, I am waiting for you as patiently as I can. I made it this far, I've grown so much, and I'm ready to smile right back at you when you come. I may not know the day or hour, but I know it's soon. God knows what you deserve. A part of me feels like I went through all I went through so that I can also be the exact person He desires you to have. And that warms my heart, to know that I will belong to you because God made me in likeness of you.

This Christmas I've asked God if I could just know you. But either way, I'll be waiting. ♥

Love,
Your Future Wife

Long Distant Nonexistent Relationship.

It's like having a long distance relationship in which you receive no replies but you love them tremendously. Only in my case I do not know who they are and it's difficult to imagine who they'll be. But I am quite attached. I feel it is safer to be attached to a thought rather than to an actual person that I know. Because if I attached myself to someone I know, I'd be in an unrequited love relationship and it would only hurt me. But I know I cannot go back down that road.

Each day I've been much better at handling things. I'm keeping my focus on working to earn money so that I could fulfill my wish to travel overseas next Summer. Whatever God has for me will come my way and fit perfectly into my schedule. Sometimes I do wonder if there is anything extra I can do to help certain areas in my life. But I should be thankful that I am alive and not sad anymore.

My emotions have been somewhat up and down, but ultimately I know that I am okay. I want to get lost in God again. I want to feel that intense amount of happiness that I once had. I want to feel the hope deep inside. To see big change in my life all over again. I imagine that there is a lot more to this story of mine, because some things have not come to an end yet. But I really hope that they do. Soon.

But each night that I lay down to rest, I enter this imaginary world where I have a special someone right next to me. I'm not sure what is taking him so long to come along. I know he has to be out there, and I've been waiting for him with a pure heart. But no one else seems to cross my path, so I live each new day in hopes that our meet will be soon. And even though there are occasionally some who seem to be seeking or showing interest in me via personal messages on networking sites, no part of me feels drawn and not attractions occurs.

Maybe I have this image in my head that causes me to feel like I'm waiting to see a certain type of human being. But so far I've only met a glimpse of him. Now I'm curious of the real deal. I'm under the impression I may not be meeting him this year, but perhaps next year. Good thing this year is nearing its end! But I must endure yet another set of holidays without him. I really want this year to be the last year that I spend Christmas without him! I'm not sure where to look, but I hope that as I continue on in my life, with nothing holding me back, he will appear on perfect timing and I he will not give up on me.

Me Again.

Dear Future Husband,

I'm nearly going crazy without you again. God brings me out of so many different emotions I've dealt with. But I keep recognizing your absence and it runs deeper each time. I keep hoping that you'll come out of nowhere and for once I will understand the hope I've longed for. As much as I know to love without expecting, I long to feel the intensity of it being returned to me in the same way. I don't want to expect so much from you, I just have the faith that you'll love me in the ways that I've wondered about.

Please come, I practically beg of you. Come while I am unattached to the wrong person, and I promise I will be patient with you as we get to know each other. If you've not come at all yet, then you must be really amazing because I'm not sure I can imagine what exactly you'll  be like. Once upon a time I imagined bumping into you in the card isle at Walmart and then officially meeting you by the medicine isle. Now reality is here, I'm over a year late on that imagination, and you're nowhere to be found.

But I've been relying on God through everything, I promise, so He must have a different time set for us to meet. And it's all I ask for this Christmas, really. That I can finally meet you.

I somehow love you already. I do.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

Figuring it Out.

I think I know what it is. Or I'm beginning to figure it out. I'm not entirely sure. You see, I grew to love a certain human being and managed to build up the love into a very unconditional one. I learned how much I enjoyed being patient with him, I learned how to be silent when he needed space, and I learned how to care for someone through thick and thin. Eventually I had to let this person go, because he never belonged to me. His desires went elsewhere and I was dying inside as four years of fighting passed. Finally I gave my very last bit of strength, and miraculously became released of all that pain and heaviness from the battle.

It all had purpose. It made me into the strongest person I've ever known. And yet that strength is not mine, it is all the strength God allowed me to use because He knew I needed it. After three months of being parted from that once-special human being, he was placed right back into my life and once again became my best friend. Although we have our differences, living two completely different lifestyles, I whole-heartily still love him. I've kept the old desires and wishes in the past but remember exactly how to love with that unconditional love.

The more I think about this, the more afraid I become when I allow thoughts to go deep, like in the past, the more I convince myself otherwise to see something else. He is the closest thing I have to what I imagine I'd want in a relationship someday. He has become the most special example in personality for what I'd love to live everyday of my life with. But I know that for who he is today, right now, is not who I need. And because I cannot change him, I want to accept that he is merely a glimpse.

After three months of vacation and then including him back in my life, I've realized the new person I became. I feel like I can be more sincere with him because I do not want to cause him to feel guilty anymore. I loved him so much, that it was finally enough to let him go with a sincere heart, and no crying. God showed me the impossible I would have never guessed He'd do. But to this day, I can see that my love for that human being was so strong, it lasted even when I felt nothing. It was strong enough to come back because it was and is...real. It is the love that I needed to learn. And the love I'd like to apply to my future husband.

You see, what it is now is that I am twenty-years of age dealing with the cravings for a companion in life. It's normal, I realize, as there are millions of relationships in this world because we all crave something. Love is the most popular word in the world. But to me, it is a sacrifice you make to show someone else they are worth it in this world. I have lacked a nearness from another human being, someone to complete me, for all this time. The deeper the cravings get, the harder it becomes to be patient and wait for right person. But that best friend of mine, being the closest to what I'd desire, is right there. Right with me, in my life, one simple text or call away. He listens to me, is always there for me, and has the capabilities of making me happy.

So the truth is...I desperately desire another sort of form of him, someone who relies on God for their strength, and someone I can be there for as well. Someone who can fulfill the desires I have, someone I can feel okay with. Because I do not want to make my best friend the one I think of every day again and fall right into a trap when I do indeed know he cannot return that to me. And as tempting as it is, I must stay patient so that the human being made just for me can come along and see that I have waited for him and that I am no longer distracted. Because I have learned my lesson.

In other words, he is the only wish I have, whoever he is, wherever he is. And I'm ready to love him HARD. ♥

It's a Promise.

Dearest Future Husband,

If I could tell you absolutely anything right now, I would tell you that I am still waiting for you. I haven't stopped. I got distracted, but I haven't stopped. I'm much too picky to give in to just anyone, but I know you'll have the strength to break the walls I build. I've been struggling a terrible amount trying to live this life without you around. I finally feel like I've looked away from such distractions and now I simply see that imaginary face of yours. It's a sad place to be back at, but it's better than mistaking you once again.

I just imagine us being exactly what we dream to be, and laughing over everything possible because we'd be so happy. With this mass amount of waiting that I've done, you're worth every day of it. I cannot comprehend why it is that I cannot know you. All I crave is just that simple hug and being your best friend. I can only imagine what I wish you to be, but I accept you'll be better.

I'm going to be traveling the world, but my biggest wish now is that you'll get to eventually join along. I miss you in ways I cannot explain. All the glimpses I've received of you, from what I believe, have been fantastic but the one thing I've yet to see is the love you will have. I've met people with traits I only dream you might have, but each of them lacked the companionship I'd need. I cannot say I know what is taking this so long, but I am here, and I am waiting.

I'm more than ready to love you unconditionally, to never leave your side, and to help you all the days of your life. I'm more than ready to surprise you with just-because gifts and write you songs you'll not forget. Whatever it is that I lack that is causing a delay in our meet, I simply pray God points it out and builds it inside of me as soon as possible. I've remained completely single for 22 years in high hopes that you'd be my first. And I still hope for that. If I shut my eyes from the male species, promise not to give up on me when I have a difficult time recognizing you. I've been hurt quite a bit in my past by unrequited feelings. But I understand they happened because they were not you.

Please, I ask you. Please do not give up on me. I desire to love you and I am afraid to mistake you again. But I'm waiting just for you. I promise you that.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann
Your Future Wife
♥♥

I Need You.

Dear God, I know you've moved me on, you've changed me, and removed me from a really hard situation. But the truth is, I find myself missing having such a big purpose in someone's life. I remember I invested so much into it. I'm able to accept having another calling, another task, and someday loving another human being like that and more. But the longer I go without it, the more I feel like it's missing.

I know You complete me, and You're the reason why I've been able to be happy and believe. But what was the reason behind that huge battle? I change, I did. But what about the prayers I prayed? Is it not over? I'm so sorry that I constantly keep asking You why. I know You're moving me to something greater. But having that particular human being around shows me the slight little happiness I once had and how it's still there. It shows me the companionship I got to develop. It breaks my heart just a bit to now be at such a loss for actions.

I have this dream, that maybe you'll introduce to me someone who will be all that and more. He will help me learn what it feels like for something completely new and different, with much more hope. I don't want to hold on to someone who cannot give back what I deliver. I don't want to hold on to someone that I am not meant to be with. I don't want to hold on to someone that does not desire me. Truthfully, I want to be satisfied with You. But no matter how many times I tell myself, after I smile for you, I still have to fight off that longing.  You made me this way. I'm aware that You know that.

So I simply ask You this tonight. That you grant me the patience to endure this. That you fill inside of me the proper love for not only You, but the "one" you made me for. That I can recognize who he is and finally be able to openly love him without holding back. Please, God. I just want to be able to love someone deeply without the added hardship of unrequited desires or love. If there is no one for me, please take these desires away. It hurts an incredible amount. I don't want to make such a mistake and hurt myself. It seems You've protected me all this time.

But where is he? Craving his nearness and care is difficult. Please take it away, God. Please. I do not know how. I really don't. I've tried and tried, but I cannot. I have this sort of sticky heart. It likes to latch on to someone, even if I'm picky. And I am finding myself confused for the first time as to who it is stuck to. Where has it gone? Where is my heart!? 

You are all I need, and I just want some guidance in this time. I feel like my trip to England next year holds deeper meaning than I know. Adjust my feelings, straighten my focus, and forgive me for being this confused. I know You have a plan for my life. But my old purpose that lasted 4 years seemed to have come to an end this past Summer. Now I find myself lost.

What was the real purpose in that?

Sincerely,

Your Confused Child,

Stephanie Ann

p.s.

I really need You this time.

The Curiosity Increased.

I'm sure this is perfectly normal for a 22-year-old. To have such wonders, wants, and curiosities. I get these split-second urges to do something about the lack in my life of a certain thing, but I've not enough impatience to drop all that I've worked for and waited for just to have a temporary fulfillment. Now, I'm sure this hardly makes any sort of sense, and there's really no other way to say it without being straight forward. Ultimately I think it's the most silliest thing to admit, but in the end, I do nothing about it to change it. I don't feel it's in my control or in my hands.

Or is it?

Is it really my fault? I've waited this long and now it feels like just the right time to find what I've lacked. Because I've purposely waited, and fought a long battle where I had to ignore these thoughts and feelings and live without being fulfilled my wishes and desires. I'm just a normal human being, a young lady at that, and I'm growing more each day. The curiosity is seriously going to kill me! I know it won't last long. And I'm probably one step away. But the key is...to control it. It's what I've been doing. I go through stages.

Then I get a glimpse of what it might be like and suddenly I'm a starving child, craving the tiniest amount of food. I hold myself back, I accept yet another day without. But why on earth was I made this way and allowed to even FEEL this? I've heard every advice I could be given, I've encouraged myself, and I do NOTHING based off my feelings. You could encourage me to wait, and trust me, I will! It's what I've been doing. You could tell me not to worry about it, and I'm not worrying. I'm curious! I'm starving! I'm being silly, right? I know it'll be worth the wait. It already feels  beyond worth the wait. If I had it now, I'd be beyond thankful and I'd love a tons more than I allow myself to now.

Because the truth is...I want what will last forever, and I'll put my time and effort into making it the absolute best. I have learned to love a person who did not give back as much, love as much, or desire anything more at all. After such a lesson, I know for a fact that I will overly appreciate when my times comes and I receive the opposite. The right one. The person I can accomplish dreams with, shine a light with, and share a life with. He must be out there somewhere! I've saved myself for him. And I know he'll recognize me when I come along. Somehow.

I selfishly pray that is soon because life without him is getting really difficult. He keeps me waiting, curious, and going insane for that warm hug! He may not know he's doing this to me, but he is. He's the one I'll say yes to, the one I'll help and lift up with kind words. It isn't just anyone. It's SOMEONE. A particular person, chosen ahead of my time. To make this world a better place, together he and I.

♥

Wherever you are, you're driving me crazy! Yet I wait for you... ♥

Shine Your Light.

Sometimes we get to a point where we seek an answer to questions in hopes that by searching, it'll put us at a better state of mind. Or, at least, for me I seek that. And tonight was one of those nights. My answer came in nature-form. The moon. It was extremely bright! The reason I took a walk by myself at such an hour is because I could not attend the bike-ride session with my family due to a flat tire. I instead chose to take a walk to clear my mind. And it definitely cleared it!

First, I headed off toward the west, where the sun had already set. I began to speak my mind to myself, aloud, and express my inner thoughts. I confessed my feelings and emotions toward any current struggles in my life. Eventually I began to remember how much has changed, and who I've become. The sun that had set is giving the other side of the world a brand new day. I only know life from my own perspective, here in California. But to imagine that this world is so huge, and that my afternoons are someone else's sunsets. Life continues on, continues forward, and we repeat days and nights throughout the years. 

As I began approaching the end of my west walk, nearing the bridge I'd take to cross and head back east, I finally released any sort of built up anger, disappointment, and negative feelings. I asked God to just remove them from me because I know He loves these people so very much. He knows their lives, their situations, their feelings, and He can take care of them. I crossed the bridge, continuously speaking aloud to remind myself these people matter.. I finally faced the east only to lock my gaze to the brightest full moon I've seen in a long while. 

I immediately haulted and stared at it in awe, feeling not only small, but amazed at what God has created. The moon, something vast, reflected the sunlight that had left me for the night in what feels like a miraculous thing. I absolutely love the stars, but this moon is just as great. Something I cannot grasp, nor create myself. But as I stared at it, I smiled. I could not take my eyes off of it because it was so bright and beautiful.

I came to the conclusion that I need to be a light, just as the moon is. I need to shine in the darkness, and be so beautifully lit that you cannot look away. I want to stand out in this world, somehow, to be different. Thus starting...my new journey in life! My goal is to shine, despite how people may treat me. Despite how I feel. Despite what happens. I will shine. I may fail here and there, but I am determined to get back up and keep going. To not be afraid to walk down dark paths because I will walk down them in high hopes that I can shine my light for someone else down that very same path. I will go out into the world and hold my light up.

SHINE YOUR LIGHT.

It could save someone.

But it's brightest in the dark.

What Do I Do?

I don't necessarily know how I got to this point, but I know I have. I've been at a loss of actions for quite a while now. I want to do the right thing, and I want to be content with it. But deciding what the right thing is can be a bit tough. Ultimately I know I must seek sincere happiness, and be the absolute best. I may have been quite teased in my life, but it's my duty to react differently and dismiss the teasing. It's difficult dealing with my heart, but it's all I have.

Right now I've got myself. I've not any sort of responsibility of another human being, and have no reason to worry. Even if it's incredibly hard to ignore this heart, I've got to. I feel it'll only get me in more trouble as it has in the past. It messes with my mind. I've tried and tried for the past two months to change my thoughts, change my attitude, and believe in things that don't even exist. For the sake of my sanity, I've learned to pretend that there is no problem, or person, in my life.

Meanwhile I have made new friends who listen to me and take interest in what I have to say. I purposely try to occupy my time with important things and keep a smile on my face. Because someday I'd like to discover where I'm meant to be. But until then, I must work for it, and earn the money to start such a future. Although I don't want to back out of my flying plans, it's beginning to be tempting because I don't know if I should go anymore. I can tell I want to, but it hasn't been working out. I'm not one to easily doubt, and ultimately I want to believe there is a solution to the problems. But daily I'm being pushed to say no to this trip and I can't decide if I ignore that and believe anyway, or take it as a sign.

I just want to stay happy. Why is it so hard? The reason it seems I let people "walk all over me" is because I don't have the heart to walk on them back. I can't feel okay pointing out flaws back. I don't want to. I don't want to think negative. And I get attached so easily, like I starve myself of people. And yet I do not.

Dearest God...What do I do?

The Friend Zone.

The world has developed many ways of "living." There are rules to how to properly approach people, and words you cannot say openly. There are stages to take to "date" someone and any impressions available to make. According to this world, you have to take certain steps to get what you want. But in my honest opinion, these steps lead you straight into a game. A game in which you highly risk failing and pain is but a step, not a lesson. Just get past it and then carry on and repeat. And then there is a zone many are afraid to enter when acting too "casual" and not becoming the right bait. It's called the "Friend Zone."

I am not afraid of the Friend Zone. I've occupied that zone for 5 years, and was aware of it for 4 of those years. Today I can finally see what it saved me from and what it taught me. I learned to be myself, with no need to impress. I'll gladly enter a friend zone for the sake of getting to know a human being for who they are, not who I want them to be. They who are afraid of this friend zone risk the lack to be themselves. They try hard to impress, and not act too comfortable lest they fall into such a zone.

I think this Friend Zone is a zone we fail to enter out of fear when really it'll produce foundation. If you cannot be a friend, you cannot be anything more. Friendship is a genuine bond, in which you should be yourself and become comfortable. An awkward moment on a date with someone who wants to pursue a relationship granted the date goes well could lead you toward a broken relationship because a friendship could not form.

What is to be will be, I'd say. You find what you need through friendships and discover what you do not need as well. You cannot force anyone to desire you nor love you. The only move you can ever make is a change within yourself. Face your fears and do not run from the "Friend Zone." Just continue to live your life with reason to be happy nonetheless. Sure, there may be that moment of loneliness, but stand tall and walk on. A companion is sure to come when you need one most.

If you can pass the Friend Zone, you've the patience to love someone for who they are without any expectations. This isn't a rule that must be followed. This is merely a life that lets you be yourself and find people who will take the time to care for you, despite having a "title" to your relationship. Embrace that.

I am not afraid of the Friend Zone. I occupied it for 5 years to learn exactly what I needed to learn to become a better, stronger, and wiser person. And here I am, aware of who I am and what I do not need. :)

I Found Myself.

I remember clearly the excitement I received in July of 2012. I was at a crossroads in life, wondering what would be next part in my life, but being utterly excited for it. As the pure happiness began to depend on reality and fade slowly, I received the effects of nearing my next path. Soon enough the negative habits, fears, and past reactions began to come out of me. Not to hurt me or ruin me though, but rather to mold me and fix me. Each little lesson came, one after the other, and to this day I am changing myself to become better. Although I was so familiar with older patterns and reactions, I needed to learn new ways to handle situations yet hold on to the knowledge I had from what I've already learned.

I may not fully understand the purpose of a few things that began in this new life of mine, but I'm slowly but surely dealing with handling it. I'm learning another type of patience now, and every part of me desires to have that type. I want to prove my patience, and trust that God has a plan and that it'll be beautiful. As much as I wish I knew this plan, sometimes surprises make things better. And I must prepare myself to be surprised by taking no guesses, and hoping in what I do not know. Sure, I may have my own wants, but I cannot fully know what I want until I already have it. Therefore, if I do not have it, I don't know if I want it.

Meanwhile I am preparing for a big step I'm going to take in life. I feel like it is the key to the next step. That I may be hoping for one thing, but will come home with something entirely new. One step at a time, I say. My first step to following my dream was taking a leap of faith and applying for a passport without having a country or location chosen. I went for it and by the time I received it, I had already a place to go and all pieces fell together. I had a friend who offered me a place to stay, right over the Atlantic Ocean. I'm to go to the...United Kingdom! I've always been intrigued by anything British, and the more I learn about its difference, the more exciting it becomes!

I'm an American. This is all I know. We drive on the right side of the road and our presidents get worse over time. We're lazy and rely way too much on this government. Now, I myself may be in my own little world, hardly paying any attention to the rest of the country. But it would be so neat to view life through someone's else's eyes (specifically British eyes in this case). Not only am I going somewhere new, but I'm leaving the entire continent to experience that! I love heights, but have never been on a plane, and it's just something I genuinely want to experience! It feels like a new journey I am able to take. That once this trip begins, I will start learning something new about myself.

I'm not entirely sure what more purpose this trip will have, but I feel really excited about it. Doors have been opening and others have been shutting, and I'm figuring myself out! I'm here. I'm to this point. I've found myself again. And I'm happy.

My Feelings Are Against Me.

I always feel like I have to let go. No matter how many times I scream to myself to just go with the flow, I begin to look further ahead on accident. When that occurs, I think that there is something I should do now to avoid what could happen then if I do not commit an action today. But I want those thoughts to vanish completely so that I do not even dwell a single second on the matter. Why must my heart plea to dig so deep and bury itself in everything? It leaves me here confused, as I use all of my strength to ignore it.

Sometimes I'm under the impression that my feelings are quite against me. That they are so determined to ruin everything and make it all twice as harder than it should be. But I think that in time, I will see. I keep telling myself to wait it out. But what if all I do is wait? I think that maybe I need to stop waiting on everything and instead do something about it now. But what on earth is there to do?

This is not where I expected to be, and I'm drowning in it. What is my heart asking for? What is it lacking? Why is it having such a difficult time? It's fighting me so very hard right now and no matter how much better I get, it's still holding back somehow. It's still hiding a little secret in the back corner and that tiny secret is killing me softly! I can be quite perfectly fine, but then as something remains the same, my strength runs out from holding it in and I discover how unfortunate it feels. I should not need what I keep wanting. I should not need it! :(

In eight months I will be leaving the country for the summer. I've allowed this to be my dream and goal in life, for the time being. It's what I want on my mind to keep me occupied, and actually do something instead of sitting here waiting on nothing. Because here, where I am currently located, it truly feels like I'm waiting for absolutely nothing. That I am wasting my time sitting here, hoping for a great thing that would never come if I just remained in this spot. Therefore I want out. I want to get up and prove to God Himself that I can and will do something about it. I will move. I will go out into the world and I will find myself.

I took a risk. No matter how much it hurt the first time I did it, I did it again. I don't want to wait for nothing, for no one. I want to get up and put my heart ahead of me. But if there is yet even more and new things and people that I need to let go of, I really need help in that. I cannot take things lightly it seems. Why must I find it so important to let everything have meaning? Can something just be placed into my life for casual purposes? If so, why does my heart cling so hard?

You've made this absolutely difficult on me as I do not know why I'm so intrigued by what has suddenly become a tease.

To Be Made Ready.

I see myself growing dramatically so as a person. But I know there will always be that tiny something in the back of my mind wondering why I was able to think the things I thought back in the past. Why I found it okay to spend so much time writing, singing, and expressing what I once felt. I know we must move forward, and I'm doing just that. But if I was able to put that much effort into something back then that would one day die, will I put twice the amount of effort for what lasts longer? For what is meant to be real? And forever?

I shouldn't wonder this though. Clearly I'm a human being who can make mistakes. And I don't regret what I have done, for I know that I learned how to do something most of us are unable to easily do. Maybe I'll get to see soon enough what it is I'm capable of doing. Maybe soon enough I can put my time and energy into what I will not lose someday. I do not miss any sort of situation I once was in. I am thankful to have been pulled out. But I will admit, a part of me misses having something and someone to care for. I want to jump right back into a fight where I wake up knowing I'm about to defeat a giant. And maybe I can have that now, maybe my new battle is staring me in the face.

I wouldn't want to ask for something I'll later wish I never asked for though. I should be thankful for this time. Only, I can see that I've walked right into another fight. I see it through a tiny hole, and I saw myself grab hold of it right away, as if I subconsciously knew what it was. All the pieces have been floating around me, and I've yet to figure it out and put it together, but they're falling slowly but surely in place.

I do miss a part of my past battle. Not what it was then, but how I could use that strength I once had to do it again. Only with different circumstances and different results. And whatever it is that God has for me, I want to be ready for it. Have I received a glimpse of my future? Have I fooled myself? How ever will I know what it is that God has for me? I know there is pain in this life, and it'll always come. It's finding the right strength to endure it that matters. It's finding reason to continue on and putting our faith in God, who knows all.

Why am I beating around the bush? What I'm saying is that I truly long to love the right person. The person who will accept it and cherish it. The person who will see me as a treasure and a gift, as I most definitely would be seeing them as one. And I don't want to admit if often because I don't want to look undeserving, desperate, or impatient. I've waited this long. I simply pray God will just make me ready. Because I desire to enjoy the rest of my time on this earth with a best friend to share the simplest things with. With someone to see the world with. Someone on the same page as I. Someone I can release all this love inside of me to and it be okay. Because maybe this time, it'll come back to me. Maybe this time, they'll feel the same.

Dear Heart.

Dear Heart,

I know why you're going crazy. Don't worry, I'm on your side. I know exactly why you're pounding differently. I had no idea I'd put you in this position, but I don't exactly know what I'm doing! This is a first for both of us, and I guess we'll just learn along the way. The best things take time. I learned that much.

Just calm down. There's so much more in store for you! Hold on tight!

Sincerely,
Your Home

A New World.

I realize there's a world I've never been to before. I knew this, but I never would have know the reality of it. Even now I still sit in wonder. But the closer I feel to this world, the more my heart becomes intimidated. It's not that I'm afraid, but I'm completely new to it all. I don't know how to speak the language because I've always only daydreamed my guess on it. Maybe I was afraid I wouldn't like it when it began to feel closer. I had no intention to assume this world was inviting me in. But it feels like it's at the tip of my fingers.

Maybe I'm being completely silly. I feel it fading now, the uncomfortable feeling you get when you begin to experience homesickness. Perhaps that's it. I stepped into a state of homesick. I know it goes away once you get used to this something new. And soon enough you reach the point of fearing the goodbye. Your heart begins to become strong and wants to build a new home.

This metaphor comes from my first trip out of state. I was so happy to meet my friend and collaborate with our photography. I arrived after such a long ride and wait and she was happy to see me. As hours passed, I began to feel weird. I knew how far I was from home. It was my first time being so distant. I didn't miss home and dislike Utah, but I wasn't used to it. I grew homesick and felt odd for a while. My friend cheered me up though and as the week went by, I became completely used to the new area and being away from everything familiar.

Things take time. I may be scarred and fragile, but I know that the right person will be able to help me grow and build me up to be stronger. I imagine that one day I will finally experience the step in life where a best friend becomes a husband. Anything in between will be all that is new to me and I have no intention to rush it. My heart is hesitant and my mind is quick. Not the best mix, but I intend to go by this heart I've carried through everything. It's only weak because I've worked it too hard. It is now only beginning to build a new strength.

The world I was so curious about will accept me just the way I am. No matter how long it takes me to get over my homesick feelings. I must remember to be myself and slow down. I never knew what I was wanting until I felt it accessible and closer. The moment that happened, I inevitably stepped back and saw that I had no idea how to handle it!

It's a journey. A new one. And I may not be alone this time.

Wide Awake!

Here I am, wide awake, one thought on my mind. But then a million other tiny thoughts are swimming around as well. I'm eliminating expectations for I've decided how much I truly do like surprises. Not questioning, asking, wondering, or begging God for any type of answer except which way to go. I want no one or no thing to be a distraction. I do not need a distraction in life. I do not want one. I want exactly what God desires for me. I may still be undergoing recovery as I adjust to this different life, but I am beyond thankful that the past familiar pain has vanished. I am not affected anymore. I am new.

I mustn't forget how much I have sacrificed, and how much I have done. I mustn't forget how much I paid just to love despite circumstances. God called me to do something mighty, something many people along the way have expressed they would never have been able to do. But I went through it and came out stronger than ever.

What happens when we are asked to love someone we will not marry? Are we only willing to do it if we get something in the end? Would we only answer that call if we knew we'd get that particular person eventually? Had God told me a clear no in the beginning, I may have been discouraged, confused, and completely human with my reaction. Instead, He knew I'd love until the end if He kept silent about the matter and He knew how to remove me from it when it got messy. The God I serve was and is entirely in LOVE with the human being that He brought into my life. And He was in love with me too, and designed this beautiful master plan to speak loudly in the most subtle way. Through love!

He knew I desired something beautiful and something real. And He occupied my waiting time with a battle and lesson. He prepared me to be who I desired to be, no matter how hard that was for me to understand back then. He did it. Here I am, someone completely changed, with the eyes to see the impossible and shoot for it. The real deal that I desired would be at the end of that storm and come when I was finally ready. God knew how to get me to wait properly, no matter how many times I grew weak and wanted to disappear from the world. I made it.

To the one He originally designed for me... I love you already!

Fight the Fear.

I remember those many nights that I used to wonder when everything would be over, when I'd finally feel okay. I stopped understanding the situation I was in and finally fell to the point of uselessness. I uttered the words "I cannot do this" all too often and had nothing left to give. But at that time an entire escape was being set up for me and the ending to such pain was nearing. There was a beautiful prize waiting for me if I just endured until the very end. And I was determined to do so.

I was pulled out right on time by a miracle. Four years ago, when it all started to begin, I remember being told there would be a miracle. I guess I never knew what the miracle would be, but I still continuously held onto that promise. I inevitably tried to guess what it could be, and let that be my hope. The harder it got, the more I questioned what God was doing. But when I'd break down, He'd lead me to "love anyway." So I'd get back up, and continue on.

He knew what He was doing, and He knew exactly how to take me out of it when I was done. Without a single tear, I broke away into this state of utter happiness. It was completely gone, I felt nothing at all, and everything felt so new. I began to hope for greater things, and see life in such a new light. I had no idea it'd end the way it did, but it worked. I left my calling when I was called out and I left it with the exact reason I came along. That I loved unconditionally expecting nothing in return and walked away empty-handed to prove I can do it.

I guess I never expected to avert my eyes elsewhere, and unexpectedly a new character was added to my freshly started chapter. My eyes were brightly lit and I had so much hope already that I unintentionally let it add to my happiness. I was at peace in my life finally, and truly believed anything could happen. I got to be myself and easily applied the love I was taught during the past battle. I was at the point of feeling so ready to enjoy a prize until I realized what happened.

Soon enough a fear began to hit me. Will my feelings ruin another friendship and put me in the state of wonder? Will I make a mistake without even trying because I will grow attached to another human being that will only hurt me unintentionally? Just as I never blamed the one in my past, I could never blame someone completely new and innocent. My prize at the end of the storm wasn't what I thought it would be, and yet I felt so ready to use the love I learned.

I fought this fear off when I came to realize it and found myself back at the happiness. But soon enough, it wanted to attack me again. Why couldn't I just be? Why was I falling back to the person I used to be, as if I was in a hopeless situation all over again? How on earth did this happen to me again? I felt trapped all of a sudden, receiving something I'd never ask for. I was battling with my heart all over again and he had no idea. His timing in my life seemed so set up, so perfectly planned, and I was letting it get me to fear. I had to tell myself that God does not give people in our lives bad purposes. They are always good ones. What reason would God have to place me right back in the same situation?

There is hope. There is nothing to worry about. There is a prize still waiting, still in the process of being revealed. The fighting I have done did not go unnoticed. There is an answer. There is a surprise that I have strongly been feeling would come and I needed to build the proper patience to get to it. I needed to just breathe and remember how God placed a happiness inside of me. No need to fear. There is a way.

I'll see it soon. I'll understand soon. I'll know. And when I know, I'll be happy all over again. ♥

Dear God.

Dear God,

You've got me wondering, going crazy, drumming my fingers and trying so hard not to figure all of this out prematurely. I know that You know what You're doing, and You've already done so much for me. I am thankful for that. But now I need You the most, to give me patience and strength to believe again. You brought me through my past battle and that helps me understand that You'll know how to deal with me now. Please take away the fears inside of me so that I could breathe again, and trust with my heart.

I feel as though I am one block away from this surprise. I have no intention to take any guesses, I am open for anything You may have for me. All I know is what I have now, and what I feel now. I want to be surprised in such a way that I'll know exactly what I fought for. I always believed You'd have a prize at the end of the race. Well, I've reached the end of that particular race and am questioning if I've received said prize or not. Perhaps You're waiting to reveal it to me, and teaching me something new. I'm trying to learn, I really am.

You know my dreams, You know my desires. You know what's in my heart, and what You have in store for my future. I have this vague image of what it can be, but more along the lines of how happy it'll make me. I imagine something completely new, that You'll take me to a new land. This excites me, and I just need direction and guidance. But until then, I pray mainly that You help me grow properly until then. That I can understand this waiting period and that whatever it is I need to do now, I will do.

I'm willing to take that leap of faith, to step out of my comfort zone, and make my dreams reality. But may those dreams be Your desires, and may they be what You dream for me. May I go where You send me and love the way You taught me. Show me what it is I need to do to fix anything negative inside of me. Shut my ears from the enemy who wants to attack me and pull me down. Close my eyes to what is unclean and whisper encouragement into my heart.

I'm getting a passport. May this be the beginning of my new journey. ♥

Love,
Stephanie Ann

What Do We Really Want?

We always think we know what we want until we are given what we really want, but then we question if it's another thing we want that we don't actually want. If we want one thing, seek it and then never have it, we find something else we want instead. But what is the difference between wanting what you don't need and wanting what you do need? How do you know if you've found what you really wanted if the idea of you wanting it puts you in the state of wonder? If we wanted something and never got it and was given what we really need and end up wanting it, how will we know when it's okay to want? How will we know when we're wanting the correct thing?

Is it the prize we receive after accepting the fact that we did not obtain what we previously wanted? And when we stop wanting that thing we didn't actually want, is it time to find what we are meant to want?

I thought I knew what I wanted. But in the end, I didn't want it. I soon discovered what I do want, and I question if this was meant to be wanted. But it feels so real, so huge, and so much better. Maybe I also needed that past want to compare something better to. To understand the different feelings between each of these wants I've had. Have I finally found what I should want? Have I finally learned my lesson to know what is next that is what I want? I could not have this and that at the same time. My past want could not also have this current want alongside of it. And for that, I am able to see that I may have come to the correct want thanks to my past lesson.

This Time I Carry a Smile.

This is extremely the hardest thing to hold in. Again. Especially because I've somewhat been here before. I've done this. I should be used to it, right? But this time I carry a smile on my face. This time I laugh at myself for my quick impatience. This time I must be aware that I just began a new race. There are so many reasons for me to be happy now and therefore I do not need to worry.

My fingers are begging me to write in letter form and my voice is waiting to explode in lyrics. And here I am, avoiding it all, staying as calm as I can. It's all but a mystery and the most entertaining one yet. I fought for a miracle, and I received one. But I always imagined a certain prize at the end. I just never knew that the prize would be different than what I hoped for. But by the time it came, my desires completely changed and I received something better.

Maybe I'm being silly, but I still beg for the better and the comfort that it truly is all over. So I continuously keep my hopes high on anything new to come along. Because of our pasts, we've learned such huge lessons to make us better people. To make us people who are equipped with the proper patience and love to understand and be stronger. It took so much for us to know, to grow, and make it here. But it all served a perfect purpose.

This is extremely the hardest thing to hold in. Again. Especially because I've somewhat been here before. I've done this. I should be used to it, right? But this time I carry a smile on my face. And I'm trying so hard not to write "you."

The Future.

I have finally arrived at the time in my life where I am more than ready to take that leap of faith. It feels time for that big step to be made. I know God sees this in me, and He's been the biggest reason why I've reached this point. He has changed me, transformed me, and brought into my life blessings for what I've been through. He taught me great things in the past, and has been teaching me new lessons still! He has taken out of me impatience for the future, and fear from the past.

I'm ready now to move on to something entirely new. To follow my heart to what I desire in life. I want these desires to be God's desires, and I await for Him to point a finger as to where He wants me. I had a calling that was revealed to me in January of 2009. I spent every month after that fulfilling the calling and trying my best to do as God asked. He brought me through the battle of it until July of 2012, when I was finally released. He placed inside of my heart a feeling of peace and happiness.

I have been reaping what I've sown, and it feels so good to finally get to this point. Life dramatically changed for me and I know that I am finally ready for the next step. My calling was fulfilled, and my purpose was made. Now I am free and one step away from the next journey. God will put inside my life what He desires and place the right people who are to join along in this journey. I'm so utterly happy to be experiencing all of this, and glad that I made it the past few years without ever giving up.

This town will always hold those memories, and remind me of all that I went through to get to the point that I am at now. It'll always be here, with everything I needed to grow and learn. This is where I was placed for 21 years. I finally feel that I am nearing the time I make the decision to go where I need to go. As a photographer, I desire to travel the world. I can't imagine doing it alone, but I know there will be a way! Until then, I am determined to fight for what's to come and ready myself for a crazy, amazing, adventurous future!

The best has yet to come. ♥

I Belong SOMEWHERE.

Do you ever feel like you belong somewhere else? Or maybe you're missing out on so much out there? I do. I realize that I have often lived a daydreamed life. I hardly notice this until I picture reality. What goals do I have now? What do I want to do in the future? Of course I think about these things. I wonder quite a lot about what I truly desire to do.

I guess I'm unsure of what to do because I have other secret wishes that are so undetermined right now. And without them being detailed correctly, I draw a blank. But I do wish to relocate, somehow, someday. Hopefully not alone. I imagine this crazy but amazing future, that even with its trials, it will be great. As a reward perhaps, for making it through the darkest of storms and enduring until the end.

I'm at a crossroads now. I believe at this moment anything could happen. My eyes have been opened up to the entire world, and I'm ready to discover my next step. This excites me because the possibilities are endless. And maybe I won't have to be alone in this next journey. Maybe someone will join along to view the world just as I do. To set no limits. To never give up, or walk backwards.

So what's to happen for Stephanie Ann next? We'll see!

To Whom it May Concern.

Dear To Whom it May Concern,

I cannot force any sort of desire to fulfill your needs, wants, or give back to you what you seek. I cannot stay in a position where I will hurt you, as I've already been hurt by what is not mutual. I am more than the girl in the photos of me. I am more than someone who has talents. I am more than you'll ever know because I am not yours. It doesn't excite me to receive your messages when I sense you're trying to win me over. It doesn't excite me if you ask me on a date of any sort. It rather puts me in such an awkward position.

It is not because I dislike you, but because I'm being held for someone special. And that someone special is the only one who will have such a key to get to me. You're not the only one seeking my attention. Over time I have experienced many different messages. I have dealt with receiving nicknames as if I gave an okay. I am not your sunshine if you do not know me well. I am not "truly special" if I cannot even open up to you. I am a human being with a difficult past and need more than someone trying to "catch" me.

Do I appear as some sort of treasure? That I will give in to just anyone? That you can read me like a book and it's okay to approach me the way you do? If we were incapable of naturally meeting and/or communicating for reasons that allow me to be comfortable, then this is a selfish want for yourself. It's hard for me because I want to run away, but I know I have the heart to be kind. But you take it so sky high and attach yourself like a leech.

I'm picky because I'm only capable of loving one human being in that deep way. My mind and heart is not open for just anyone who comes my way. It knows what it wants, and will not settle for less. And that particular person will subconsciously know how to treat me and speak to me without trying. That person will completely be themselves for me, and I will willingly be able to love them just the way they are. You cannot try to be that person. I have a heart that I intend to guard.


Stop looking and just let that person come along, and then love them with all of your heart.


I know I will. :)


Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

I've Not Lost It.

It's what I'm used to. It's what I've practiced for years now. It's what I invested so much of my time into. It's who I am. It's how I am. It's what I know. To have it taken away was a fear I once dealt with. But somehow, I did not get it taken away. I found it again, right away. Did God set it up this way?

What I'm used to is putting my heart into what I do. Preparing something simple or huge in hopes that it will run so deep for the other person. That is what I've practiced. It'd put a smile on my face to walk into a store knowing I'm about to purchase something that will put a smile on that particular person's face. Did I need to spend money? No. I found meaning in even the simplest of things, like a rock from a special location or card I labored over with construction paper and glitter.

This I've practiced, this I've grown to do, and I've come to realize that I have not lost it. I've too soft of a heart that I wonder, dream, and desire to make a difference in someone's life. To show them how important and loved they are. When I had to let go of the one I practiced this on, I didn't imagine still being able to be that person, even if to someone else now. And that's okay for me. In fact, it has made me even happier because the problem I faced, the situation I dealt with has finally been eliminated. And I sincerely pray it does not repeat this time.

It is enough for me to see his reaction to such a simple gift. It made it all the more worth it to have sent it. To have dealt with shipping fees, and signing a customs declaration. Entirely worth it. It brought back to me the joy in giving and opened my eyes to see who else is out there in this world. And even though he may be across the ocean, he's a specially designed human being just as I am and somehow he came along. He's yet another soul I hope I can shine for.

♥

Something New.

Well how do I start this? I know exactly what's in my mind. It's so much different than before. I literally feel like I've joined an entirely new world. I cannot even try to feel how I felt in the past. It is completely shut back in my timeline and my today is so much better. But without what I went through I could not appreciate this more. I could not say that I've overcome such a huge battle. I could not say I received a miracle.

Anyone who knew me before this change can see clearly that this is indeed a miraculous change. Not that it has changed me as a person, but that my situation has ended. I am not crying myself to sleep, begging God to bring me to the finish line anymore. I've finally reached that finish line. But I had no idea that I'd come out empty handed. But I have. And that means one thing to me.

I loved unconditionally without expecting a penny in return. I walked away in the end with a smile on my face and without what I had selfishly wanted. Although I fought for four years over someone I knew for five years, God doesn't always call us to something for ourselves, but for Him. He calls the unlikely to do the unfathomable. Someone as shy as me was called to apply God's love and speak to someone who was the total opposite.

The part of him that I was attached to was the close bond we created, the excessive amount of laughter, and the idea of having someone I can feel comfortable around. That doesn't necessarily mean he is the only person in the world to be that for me. And now I feel my eyes have opened enough for me to see that God can very well place the exact person I need right into my life the moment I am ready for it. I have learned from that friendship and I have grown so much because of it. I was able to also learn what I need and what I do not need.

Maybe the next person to come along into my life with the ability to break down my walls will be all that I desired before and more. Maybe I won't have to wait much longer. Maybe he'll be the very thing staring me in the face.

♥♥

Once Upon Impossible.

There are certain things that at one point you could have never imagined happening. But somehow life has its way of surprising you and proving you wrong. I've lived my life with a lot of faith, capable of believing the impossible. But just a few weeks back, I would have seen myself today as something impossible. I chose not to believe it because I never wanted to give up on something I was determined to see change. But when God turned it all around for me, I walked away without giving up in the way that I never wanted to. In fact, I was capable of giving it away to Someone more powerful than I, and Someone with more patience.

I see my past as a fight that got me to become stronger in the most impossible way. As that door closed, I found the strength to open my eyes to something new. Perhaps this was God's way in preparing me perfectly to become something great. Just because I was called away doesn't mean I've lost my calling. It means I'm to be given a new one. This has excited me because the pain of that past has finally come to an end.

The tears I've shed in the past four years served their purpose, and I risked my entire life for one human being. I feel as though I have finally died for them and became alive even stronger in the end. It's God's turn to apply love in their life and my turn to move on.

I've always been one for the unexpected. All the happenings in life that come unexpectedly always just seem meant to be compared to our selfish wants. What you cannot control is not meant to be controlled, but to be embraced. To be understood. To be learned. I know God will allow the right human being to come along and pull me out of any past effects. Someone to prove my fear wrong. Someone to read me like a book and become hope.

He knows me far greater than I'll ever know myself.

The Fighter in Me.

This is different. It felt nice to experience peace and feel happy again, but as I sit here I feel slightly anxious. I came out of a four year battle. My heart was apparently built to fight. I'm now waiting for another door to be opened, but until then...I must try hard to just be still. I'm not entirely used to this. I'm realizing it more and more each day. I'm starting to get to know this heart of mine. Slightly.

Once a fighter, always a fighter, I suppose. Having nothing or no one to fight for is too strange for me. But at the same time I am afraid to ask God for another task, even though I'm willing to fight again. I'm afraid because I'm not entirely sure what I can handle anymore. My tears beg me not to return to the pain in the past. No part of me wants to return to that and feel it all over again.

So I begin to deal with fear. Over-thinking, to say the least. I am angry at my mind for doing this. Is it trying to find something to fight for again? Am I so drawn to broken projects? Sit this out, Stephanie. Sit it out! Wait. Enjoy the freedom for now. Enjoy the peace. Why are you thinking beyond what you can control!? What reason do you have to determine what is unknown?

Who does this? Who cries for what I cry for? I'm crying because I want to have another reason to fight? I'm crying because I miss unconditionally loving someone? In no way am I crying for not receiving. That battle was fought, that battle is done with. But now I cry because I still yearn to apply that love to someone? Because I miss giving gifts to make them smile? Because I still wonder, to this day, no matter how many times I tell myself it does not matter, how it even feels to be adored in return? I cry because it bothers me that I must wonder this?

What is my next task? What is my purpose in this life? Which human being can I lovingly care for that will not be taken away? Which one is the right one? Which one is okay? How do I get this off my mind? How do I stop this?

When will I deserve it?

Send Me Back Up.

I have no one to blame but myself. I guess you could only stand on top of the mountain for so long before the next step you take leads you straight down. And although I fear to face sadness again, I'm sure it'll come for whatever reasons it needs to. This time the reasons have changed. This time I'm not even sure what the reasons completely are. I did not rewind, I don't feel I have. But why is it so hard for me to remain satisfied?

It attacks me all too often, this want, this need, this wonder. I'm horrible at lying, and God would never believe me if I tried. He knows my heart all too well, and I simply pray He guides me the right way. The door has shut for yet another to open, and I truly do desire to enter the correct door.

Was this just a tease? Just something to come along and tease me when I did not even try nor ask for it? Not to mention the undesired interactions from people I'm trying quite hard not to hurt. But give me one decent friend and suddenly I'm facing my fear and it's hurting me. I was doing so well, I was so sky high, how could I suddenly feel this way? Send me back to that happiness, send me back to the hope and laughter I just had two days ago! Please, God. Give me another chance... :(

HAPPINESS.

God has granted me the peace that can only come after a well fought battle. If the past four years of my life did not occur, I could not feel this way today. The comparison of now and then is incredible. I cannot remember the last time I felt this happy and content with God. Despite where I stand, where I live, and whether a million things are happening for me in my life or not, I have the happiness that only God could give.

Last night I spent time with God, reading His word, and then in prayer. I smiled, I cried, I laughed, and laid down finally, smiling. I began to see all the gifts I've received in my life as gifts from God. I began to thank Him for everything that I have, naming off as much as I can. As I closed my eyes, it was as if God was whispering into my ear "I love you." I did not feel alone as I rested my head on my pillow. I kept smiling like I was just proposed to and literally felt that peace of happiness inside of me.

This was much needed for me. This was done so quickly, like a miracle. I walked away from my past when God finally saw it time. I learned the most beautiful lesson I could have ever asked for! And that is unconditional love! To walk away after giving so much of my love, constantly, even when I was hurt deeply, and to walk away empty handed was the best feeling I could have never imagined beforehand. When you give without expecting, you prove it by having nothing.

In return though, God gave me exactly what I needed. He has loved me all along. He has kept me strong. He has kept me alive. He has been with me all this time, through thick and thin. He held me in His arms all those nights I would just cry my heart out. And here I am, at the top of the mountain, ready for exactly what He has next in my life.

When I could not sleep yet last night, I realized I did not set my alarm. So I searched in the dark for my cell phone and when I couldn't find it, I finally used my iPod's screen to light the area. Realizing I had a message I got distracted and somehow ended up electronically and virtually hanging out with an amazing new friend of mine. To me, it was genuine. To not have something in the back of my mind killing me softly while I smiled. To not feel like I'm 90% but to feel 100% and fully happy. They may have been an ocean away, but I could be just the way I am anyway. :)

This happiness was worth the wait.

No Turning Back.

What once affected me greatly is now but an image of the past. I may be walking on with a smile, but I'll never forget what I learned. I finally reached the end and crawled my way up the mountain. When I finally reached the top, I saw the most beautiful sight on the other side. It was a life full of blessings, happiness, and peace for overcoming the battle. I can imagine that any trial that comes my way again will be nothing compared. I have come out of this storm stronger than ever, and I couldn't be more happy.

There is no turning back now. To return to those feelings I once had is the very thing I pray against. I believe God can do anything, and He just did. He performed what looked impossible to me before. Now my eyes are opened to new possibilities, and new inspirations. I could not see this before, I tried so hard, but I was still climbing the mountain then. This is an amazing genesis.

My Big Heart.

My mind still tries to get the best of me, but it fails fast as I stay strong. I've come to the point that I do not want to return to what has hurt me before. I do not want those feelings to come back to me. I cannot repeat what I've suffered over. I feel at peace, I feel much better now, I feel free, and I really, genuinely hope that I do not get attacked again.

I know my heart wants to love tremendously so. There's something about pointing a human being out and making them feel special that warms my heart. And I do believe that is what God put inside of me for when I become a "wife" to my future spouse. He knows He made me this way. I loved the feeling of giving a gift to someone I found special. I have no reason to take it back, I meant it at the time. I did my part, I moved along. Every gift I gave in the past to that one person was simply what God gave to them by using me. And that will be enough for me to know.

I don't look down on myself, or believe something is wrong with me. I find myself as the better person because of what I was capable of doing. I could love nonetheless and maybe it's just something they could never do. Knowing I'm capable of that makes me feel like I've accomplished a huge task. I have been told by quite a few people who caught a glimpse of my past pain that I'm a "great person." Although I intend to have no pride, I understand that I am still appreciated as a human being, even to the person who has hurt me.

Do I blame them? No. Do I hate them? Not at all. Do I regret loving? No. It got me here, didn't it? To say I can be this strong with God's help. If my love cannot fall on them anymore, it'll go to where it is appreciated even more. I was so attached, for reasons only God knows. But maybe this will allow me to truly see the difference. To take what I've learned, and grab that mass amount of love and send it to whom it belongs.

Do I feel this way, this excited, without someone in mind? Unfortunately not. A removal of someone in my heart leaves that little space empty that the only thing to help me keep my hope is to place a form of hope in there. Does this place a fear inside of me? Yes, it does. A fear I will be praying away. This fear has me thinking that I'm going to attach myself to yet another person who will hurt me. This fear has me thinking that something is going to go wrong. All of the odds in my new situation are against me. I know I have faith to move mountains, I always believed with my whole heart. But my heart is too big to listen to my mind.

Why must I desire to love someone so eagerly? When is the time that I can do that with the one who will desire it back?

Before I went to the wedding today, I thought, "Maybe I will learn something from this. Maybe there will be meaning on its timing? Last minute I was given a yes to record video for it. When I was there I definitely had many thoughts on my mind. New ones, and happy ones. I usually work as a photographer at weddings, but this time I go to see more professionals working and it was the first thing I noticed when I arrived. There were two! They were working together! My first question to myself was, "Are they married?" And shortly I found out they were. Suddenly my mind is thinking how fun that would be, to have a partner during work. It was so neat to watch them work together. I was quite jealous, if I must admit.

I never like photographing at weddings that often have a lot of strangers when I am alone. I just hold my head up and do it anyway. I mostly dread the editing later. But I couldn't get myself to agree to marrying a photographer. I've been told that so many times by friends throughout the years, but I thought it would be hard if it made one of us feel not as great, granted one was higher level. But my heart was softened. And my mind was changed. Not that I know who I'll marry, but that I saw how they worked together and I thought.. This is genius! A genuine married couple generally consists of best friends. Two people who get along so well, it's like they are best friends. With that, you read each other's minds, as so to speak. You work in sync. You trust them with your entire heart.

These two wedding photographers made it finally appear to me that it could work to a great benefit. Not that I would just decide to go find some photographer guy, I'm still a picky person. Hah! But that it opened my eyes to something new. Something beyond the fact that they're photographers. Just something I hadn't ever thought about that I cannot explain in here. I got to see that you really do never know what you want. You say, "I could never marry a photographer" and one day you just might do that! I'm actually guilty for saying that. You could say, "I'd never marry someone is in the army" and get exactly that. So, I must keep my mouth shut! Or just say, "I'd never marry my best friend." ;)

To conclude, I'm going to prepare myself to be a better person so that I can be the best that I am for someone someday. ♥

Prepare Yourself!

Dear Future Husband,

You better be prepared for me. I'm pretty scarred up now, but they're healing. I may be hesitant, and struggle with my faith in you. But it's not because I don't trust you, or that I don't believe you'll love me. It's because I'm going to have to learn how it feels to be loved by another human being like I have loved before. I'm a soft heart when I open up and when I find you, I'll be okay with friendship. I want to get to know you the right way, and I want to fight for you.

I cannot determine if we have met, but I simply hope that you discover it's me either way. We will face trials and tests but it will make us so much stronger. We will learn how to love each other until the end, and that excites me. Right now God has asked me to prepare myself, so I must spend some alone time with him before I'm ready for you. But don't worry, I've developed a lot of love inside of me for you. I pray you never give up on me.

I hope you forgive me for anything I gave away that belonged to you. But do know that I have saved a lot of myself for you, and still want to patiently wait for your arrival. I have been distracted for the past few years, but I know that I will be very capable of loving you still. I hope you help me overcome the fears that I developed and that you ease my mood when I am afraid. By that, I mean that I hope you always point me to God when I am down, because He loved me first.

May you be worth every day of the wait. I'll see you soon!

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

Realizing the Effects.

As I allow my mind to show me what's in my heart, I end up curled up on the floor, determined to just cry it out. But that same mind remains so utterly busy the very next day, with its unfortunate ability to distract me from working. What is happening to me? I wonder this now as the realization of my sudden paranoia comes forth in my mind. My past has affected me this way.

I spent about 4 years experiencing unrequited love, as so to speak. Not that I was unloved, but that I loved too much to not desire more. I wanted to overcome it though, to win the battle, to finish the race. I wanted to make it to the end and receive a great reward, so instead of becoming hateful to the person, I loved anyway. I learned how important love is, and I served as a reminder in their life. I was the one who would love them the way God loves us. And I walked away with that exact hope that I left that impact.

So here I am at a crossroads, trying my best to hold in the scars I arrived with. I may have developed a fear that I will gain "feelings" and desire for someone who will not want that in return. But I know God will help me through that, and guide me the right way. He will not let me go through what I cannot handle, and He will not drag me through the same storm when I've already come out of it. I sincerely pray that I do not ruin a great friendship with desires for more, but that if I do gain it, that it'll be right.

Paranoia

I'm not entirely sure how to express myself at this current moment in time. Perhaps I need to allow the camera to help me out, and maybe I can capture at least a percentage of my inner being. But what difference would that make? I've developed some sort of paranoid thought that I cannot even explain.