She's Never Forgotten.

I developed quite the fragile heart over the loss of your mother. It melts when I see a picture of her. I remember all those talks we'd have together about her. I remember how much I tried encouraging you to love her no matter what. I remember listening to you when you felt so upset or hurt over something she'd say. I remember the voices you'd give her and the stories you'd tell. Because I knew that no matter what, even if it was sometimes deep down inside, you loved her an incredible amount. With that, I was able to see a part of you that opened my eyes about your very own heart.

You once mentioned you placed me quite close to where you had your mom. I couldn't ever compare to how special she was to you, but I felt honored to be just slightly close. By that I know you meant that you care for us in a similar way, and you hid things for similar reasons. But either way, I knew that you didn't always show the love so well, but you indeed cared for me just as you cared for her. Somehow, along the line, I grew a great respect and love for your mother. Enough to break my heart, even to this day, of her loss. I cannot explain it, as I know she wasn't a mom to me, but it oddly feels like it sometimes. I guess I placed myself so deep into your shoes that I cry for you, as her son.

I know a huge part of your return in my life was because of her. And although it is the most unfortunate reason, I'm just glad I was able to love you yet again during such a heartbreaking time. Somehow, in the end, your mom brought us back together. But I honestly would do anything to bring her back too. I would switch places with her in a heartbeat for you and your family. But I know God had a perfect will and He desired to take her home. I sincerely hope I'll get to properly meet her once again someday.

As my heart goes out to her, I hope you never hold it in. I hope you know that my ears are wide open to you. I hope you know that I will never close the door on you if you ever want to talk about her. I will never get tired of hearing about her. Never, and I promise you that. She had a huge purpose in this world, and in your life. She was specifically chosen to be your mother for all the right reasons. And she loved you enough that she would die for you. She even told me so. I shall never forget the words she wrote to me, and how she found it remarkable that I cared for you.

I'll always remember your mom as the woman who was so lucky to have you for 21 years and was capable of believing in miracles until the very end. Despite her circumstances. That, to me, is a life well lived. Maybe you've yet to discover the purpose that you have too. ♥

Unfortunate.

The unfortunate fact is that I still cry every so often. I'll still think about you the way I have for almost 4 years. When I travel without you, there's a part of me that desires to include you in any way that I can, even if with just a simple picture. When I'm alone, I remember the best things about us. I'm often so confused as to how it went the way it went with how well we worked together.

You were my "special" somebody when everyone else would speak highly of their special someone's. You were the one I would look forward to a text from just to see how your day went or to express how I was enjoying my day as well. When someone broke me down, you were the one that would build me right back up. You were the one that would listen to me when I'd have a million things on my mind. I hated losing you once, and now I feel incredibly weak with the thought of losing you yet again.

I know exactly what's still inside my heart not only when all is silent and I lay in bed at night, but when I am far from home, you're the first thought on my mind. When I'd travel, I'd feel like I only left one thing back home that is important, one reason to return. And it is you. I know this all, I've come to memorize my reactions, my feelings, my thoughts, and everything that involves you in the past few years.

I'll still question why I had to meet you, why I had to feel this way, why we had to work so well together. Why did you have to be the way you are making me feel the way I do? Why did all this drama occur only to be left at where it is now? Why would I have to go through such heartbreak just for an even bigger heartache of losing you to someone else? Someone who most likely doesn't know you as well as I do. Someone who may not even know the tiniest details, like your favorite color and number. Someone who probably doesn't know who I am and was in your life.

I cannot at all comprehend any of this. If you never spoke a word and if I only knew you by your actions, I would have been under a strong assumption that you loved me more. I feel horrible sometimes for how constantly I question what God could be doing because it's sometimes hard to keep believing something will change. But I do. I still believe. I cannot stop believing because I hope for it. I hope for a dramatic change in scenery. This is painful. Utterly painful.

I am whole-heartily still in love with your entire being and I desire with a deep passion that you would see how deep that love goes. That you would see yourself the way God sees you. That you would understand the God inside of me is still INCREDIBLY IN LOVE WITH YOU! And I see it. I still see it. He still has allowed me to feel that and see that. I do not understand why, as I fail miserably with my feelings. Sometimes there is no other way to express, to let go, to release the pain but to let it pour outside of me in those warm, heavy tears.

Too often I miss you. Mainly because I know I have lost a huge part of you. I've never fully had you, but I've always fully loved you. I've battled for so long. I wanted to fight so hard for you because you were so worth it to me. For the first time in my life I was willing to fight harder than ever. But instead I made you feel guilty. :( I put you in an awkward position. What a torturous position I had in your life.

I'm so sorry, Moose. But I cannot lie... Perhaps no one knows how much it hurts to love someone so very much, from the deepest part of your heart, with the intense love God can give, and for them to be unable to return that.

The point I ever wanted to make though was that I would love you nonetheless.

Love.

It's weird seeing people say "I love you" when they deny the Creator of love. It saddens me as well.
God taught me what love really means. And love will forgive the ugliest of situations with someone and it will be patient when they are upset with you. Love is the willingness to DIE for someone to be saved. Love has no pride. It does not boast. Love is not easily angered.

God is love. And if you're alive to read this and see this, then you still have your chance if you haven't taken it already to give your life to Someone who will CHERISH it. Trust Him. ♥

Messed.

I never wanted to blame you before. Of course, at that time things were going okay compared to the now. But you did. You teased me throughout our entire friendship and unexpectedly you shattered me by your actions. On top of that, you prolonged the pain by hiding it and making much worse when it hit. Now you found new priorities and as you find time for your selfish wants, you forget previous commitments you made. Or attempted to make. You reached out to me when I was uncomfortably sleeping on the floor, and as things changed and I received a bed back, you couldn't sacrifice time to follow through with your offer to take me to replace my mattress. Something as simple as that, something that may not entirely matter, just represents what you've done and who you've become.

You know  your life has become a disappointment to someone who may not be around anymore, but meant a lot to you. And even though in your mind and heart you feel you've found happiness, you threw away what you once said mattered just to have it. It didn't matter if you had someone who loved you unconditionally, that didn't satisfy your selfish wants. And even when they wanted so much so to listen to you and help you through, you could never let them. It didn't matter to you.

You make it public, this selfish act. You made it so hard on me. You messed me up. You really did.