I Found Myself.

I remember clearly the excitement I received in July of 2012. I was at a crossroads in life, wondering what would be next part in my life, but being utterly excited for it. As the pure happiness began to depend on reality and fade slowly, I received the effects of nearing my next path. Soon enough the negative habits, fears, and past reactions began to come out of me. Not to hurt me or ruin me though, but rather to mold me and fix me. Each little lesson came, one after the other, and to this day I am changing myself to become better. Although I was so familiar with older patterns and reactions, I needed to learn new ways to handle situations yet hold on to the knowledge I had from what I've already learned.

I may not fully understand the purpose of a few things that began in this new life of mine, but I'm slowly but surely dealing with handling it. I'm learning another type of patience now, and every part of me desires to have that type. I want to prove my patience, and trust that God has a plan and that it'll be beautiful. As much as I wish I knew this plan, sometimes surprises make things better. And I must prepare myself to be surprised by taking no guesses, and hoping in what I do not know. Sure, I may have my own wants, but I cannot fully know what I want until I already have it. Therefore, if I do not have it, I don't know if I want it.

Meanwhile I am preparing for a big step I'm going to take in life. I feel like it is the key to the next step. That I may be hoping for one thing, but will come home with something entirely new. One step at a time, I say. My first step to following my dream was taking a leap of faith and applying for a passport without having a country or location chosen. I went for it and by the time I received it, I had already a place to go and all pieces fell together. I had a friend who offered me a place to stay, right over the Atlantic Ocean. I'm to go to the...United Kingdom! I've always been intrigued by anything British, and the more I learn about its difference, the more exciting it becomes!

I'm an American. This is all I know. We drive on the right side of the road and our presidents get worse over time. We're lazy and rely way too much on this government. Now, I myself may be in my own little world, hardly paying any attention to the rest of the country. But it would be so neat to view life through someone's else's eyes (specifically British eyes in this case). Not only am I going somewhere new, but I'm leaving the entire continent to experience that! I love heights, but have never been on a plane, and it's just something I genuinely want to experience! It feels like a new journey I am able to take. That once this trip begins, I will start learning something new about myself.

I'm not entirely sure what more purpose this trip will have, but I feel really excited about it. Doors have been opening and others have been shutting, and I'm figuring myself out! I'm here. I'm to this point. I've found myself again. And I'm happy.

My Feelings Are Against Me.

I always feel like I have to let go. No matter how many times I scream to myself to just go with the flow, I begin to look further ahead on accident. When that occurs, I think that there is something I should do now to avoid what could happen then if I do not commit an action today. But I want those thoughts to vanish completely so that I do not even dwell a single second on the matter. Why must my heart plea to dig so deep and bury itself in everything? It leaves me here confused, as I use all of my strength to ignore it.

Sometimes I'm under the impression that my feelings are quite against me. That they are so determined to ruin everything and make it all twice as harder than it should be. But I think that in time, I will see. I keep telling myself to wait it out. But what if all I do is wait? I think that maybe I need to stop waiting on everything and instead do something about it now. But what on earth is there to do?

This is not where I expected to be, and I'm drowning in it. What is my heart asking for? What is it lacking? Why is it having such a difficult time? It's fighting me so very hard right now and no matter how much better I get, it's still holding back somehow. It's still hiding a little secret in the back corner and that tiny secret is killing me softly! I can be quite perfectly fine, but then as something remains the same, my strength runs out from holding it in and I discover how unfortunate it feels. I should not need what I keep wanting. I should not need it! :(

In eight months I will be leaving the country for the summer. I've allowed this to be my dream and goal in life, for the time being. It's what I want on my mind to keep me occupied, and actually do something instead of sitting here waiting on nothing. Because here, where I am currently located, it truly feels like I'm waiting for absolutely nothing. That I am wasting my time sitting here, hoping for a great thing that would never come if I just remained in this spot. Therefore I want out. I want to get up and prove to God Himself that I can and will do something about it. I will move. I will go out into the world and I will find myself.

I took a risk. No matter how much it hurt the first time I did it, I did it again. I don't want to wait for nothing, for no one. I want to get up and put my heart ahead of me. But if there is yet even more and new things and people that I need to let go of, I really need help in that. I cannot take things lightly it seems. Why must I find it so important to let everything have meaning? Can something just be placed into my life for casual purposes? If so, why does my heart cling so hard?

You've made this absolutely difficult on me as I do not know why I'm so intrigued by what has suddenly become a tease.

To Be Made Ready.

I see myself growing dramatically so as a person. But I know there will always be that tiny something in the back of my mind wondering why I was able to think the things I thought back in the past. Why I found it okay to spend so much time writing, singing, and expressing what I once felt. I know we must move forward, and I'm doing just that. But if I was able to put that much effort into something back then that would one day die, will I put twice the amount of effort for what lasts longer? For what is meant to be real? And forever?

I shouldn't wonder this though. Clearly I'm a human being who can make mistakes. And I don't regret what I have done, for I know that I learned how to do something most of us are unable to easily do. Maybe I'll get to see soon enough what it is I'm capable of doing. Maybe soon enough I can put my time and energy into what I will not lose someday. I do not miss any sort of situation I once was in. I am thankful to have been pulled out. But I will admit, a part of me misses having something and someone to care for. I want to jump right back into a fight where I wake up knowing I'm about to defeat a giant. And maybe I can have that now, maybe my new battle is staring me in the face.

I wouldn't want to ask for something I'll later wish I never asked for though. I should be thankful for this time. Only, I can see that I've walked right into another fight. I see it through a tiny hole, and I saw myself grab hold of it right away, as if I subconsciously knew what it was. All the pieces have been floating around me, and I've yet to figure it out and put it together, but they're falling slowly but surely in place.

I do miss a part of my past battle. Not what it was then, but how I could use that strength I once had to do it again. Only with different circumstances and different results. And whatever it is that God has for me, I want to be ready for it. Have I received a glimpse of my future? Have I fooled myself? How ever will I know what it is that God has for me? I know there is pain in this life, and it'll always come. It's finding the right strength to endure it that matters. It's finding reason to continue on and putting our faith in God, who knows all.

Why am I beating around the bush? What I'm saying is that I truly long to love the right person. The person who will accept it and cherish it. The person who will see me as a treasure and a gift, as I most definitely would be seeing them as one. And I don't want to admit if often because I don't want to look undeserving, desperate, or impatient. I've waited this long. I simply pray God will just make me ready. Because I desire to enjoy the rest of my time on this earth with a best friend to share the simplest things with. With someone to see the world with. Someone on the same page as I. Someone I can release all this love inside of me to and it be okay. Because maybe this time, it'll come back to me. Maybe this time, they'll feel the same.