A Dream Worth Having.

He looked overly in awe of what I attempted to do humbly. He kept praising me to others and to myself. He explained to another person around us how great I was for what I did. But he was more beautiful than ever and quite the dream come true. I did something that made him happy and he came back to me just to let me know. I hardly knew what to say, but I was simply glad to see him again. I allowed him to continue to explain how much he appreciated me, and our time spent was worth waiting for. At the end of the meet, although we said not a goodbye, I assumed he wanted me to continue on normally without him. But he gave me no signs in his eyes that he desired that and I knew he wasn't leaving this time. I smiled with genuineness as did he and while I walked away, I knew I'd be seeing him again. 

By story time, I meant a dream. When I have dreams as such, they aways feel so real, like it really just happened. It isn't until I think about the dream after already waking up that I realize, "WAIT. That never happened." But yet it was like it did. And when I do have these dreams, they're always positive, containing emotions and feelings I've never even experienced in reality (to the fullest). Any sad dreams I may incur are always unfinished when I wake up. But it seems I finish those ones later with the positive ones as I stated. 

As for the dream I just had, written above in story-form (and slightly different due to my attempt to make it a story instead of trying to remember a dream with saying "he said something about something and then I looked somewhere and someone was around us and he told them something about how great I am"), it was interestingly timed. You see, I just had submitted a facebook status before I went to bed that night explaining that it'd be a perfect gift to have a certain person visit me, but that I'd settle for a dream. Then I dream exactly that! I did not pray to dream, nor think of it, but it left me feeling hopeful. Not because I expect the dream to come true--it took place in the most random location! But because even if just in that dream I felt happy over never ceasing to love someone and doing it just enough to cause them to praise me and be overwhelmed by it...how much more rewarding is it to continue to do so in real life? 

I have no idea if any of this makes sense to anyone who is not me. But I felt like writing. I didn't even know I'd be explaining all of this. I simply meant to just think up a random story. But my dream came out of it. And well, it's not the first dream that gave me the feelings it did! I had another similar one a few weeks ago that I hardly remember now,  but it involved the same person for the same reason. And I believe I had at least one more in the past two months, totaling three, with the same thing happening in different ways. But this last one fit so much like what I've done in real life. I apparently dreamed the effect after living the cause!

The point is...dreams could mean more than you know when they leave you with more faith than you had before. ♥

Am I the Only One?

I feel I may be the only one holding on to such memories. It causes me to cringe inside. I'm wanting so desperately to take over the situation, as if God stopped paying attention.  But the truth is, I stopped paying attention. I forget to call upon God to help me and I pay not attention to the battle I once fought so hard in. I run through each day that passes, and only pause to think about how I miss you. Quickly I continue on as you still remain glued in my heart. I was so determined to fight, and never give up. And now...I can't even love you anymore. Because you're not around to receive it.

You don't seem to be taking any effort into apologizing for how you abruptly left, or the threat you easily placed in my hands as you departed. I allowed you the choice to let it happen, but I didn't know it'd turn out the way it did. I wanted to talk to you, but you only knew how to push me away. I am still willing to love you, but why on earth am I still hurting? Why does it sting so very much to have you away? Why does it touch the most sensitive part in my heart? I'm one cry away from running to you, and one mistake away from failure.

I tried so hard. I held in my pain around you, I found happiness with you, and I attempted to give you what you needed. I always saw a better version of you waiting to bloom, but you backed up each time. I want to reach out to you, as I always have before. I want to be me to you again. Life does go on without you, I am alive, and I can live without you. But what's the point?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wish you'd come right back into my life and pretend this never happened. Sometimes I wish we could be sitting at Denny's at 3a.m. ordering spicy chicken so I can give it to my dad later. Sometimes I wish you'd come over for dinner and laugh away the evening with me. Sometimes I wish I was sitting in your car with you, stalling for over an hour extra of your time. Sometimes I wish we were in the blankets aisle at Target, feeling every single soft looking material. Sometimes I wish we were at Subway again with extremely yummy cookies. Sometimes I wish we were taking a night walk so I could watch you be determined to let the sprinklers wet you. Sometimes I wish you were sending me random text messages to make me feel better when I'd get down. Sometimes  I wish we were listening to Stephanie Ann music again with the CD stuck in the truck. Sometimes I wish I was playing your piano while you fell asleep downstairs without getting mad. Sometimes I wish you here with me, listening to everything I've held inside without you.

And by sometimes, I mean always.

Missing Out.

I'd have to say that you're quite missing out on the things you at one time very much enjoyed. I tell myself that eventually it'll make its way to you though, and only for this moment are you missing it. I do think of you in the simplest things and hope that you've not lost yourself. I wonder if you fell completely into a hole of imperfections with the heaviest burden resting evenly upon your back. From the nonexistent communication between us, I am unable to determine your frailty. I feel as if it's deeper than it used to be, but I do not know all.

Either way, I'll build up great things for you if you do so choose to smile into my life again.

:)

Cold Space.

At one point he was the happiest human being settled inside my heart. It didn't matter what we secretly dealt with, we could find joy in the simplest of things. As time passes with cold space of his absence, I'm forgetting so much. I always think that the next day could be the end of my waiting. But if only it could be a "today" instead of a "tomorrow." 

It never truly felt like he left, but I know he did. I was so used to just knowing we'd be okay soon enough because we'd reunite each time we'd part. Faithfully he'd remain, and faithfully I'd love him just the way he was. God only knows how I did it, He gave me the strength to. I put my heart on the line and I don't even regret it. 

At this point, I really want to chase after him.

:(

Reflection of Absence.

You have hibernated yourself nicely inside my head. It's all I seem to know you by now. You sleep on clouds of memories and soar through skies of dreams. Sometimes we meet in my scattered mind of sleepily thoughts. When I wake, you vanish immediately and reality places you right back inside my head as I walk the real world. I much prefer my dreaming state, but I'll continue on nonetheless.

You're like an imagination of mine now. Someone I made up, spending countless hours of my week rehearsing our lines back and forth with your invisible self. At one point in my life, I wondered if you existed the way I imagined. Now I imagine the way you have already existed. It's just as beautiful if not better. And as you wander this earth with cold empty spaces between your fingers, I simply pray you find what you were looking for. Because as my eyes reflect the space of your absence, I'll know I did find what I had subconsciously looked for. Just that knowledge to know you came along when I least expected it will hold me over until I die.

All the places we once set foot at look so distant, holding the fondest memories I've ever created. It's like an entire different world right before my eyes as I smile remembering how wonderful that world was. It contained more laughter than grief, more smiles than frowns, and more love than hate. You gave to me more than I deserved, and you took less than you needed. You warmed my heart from the cold of winter and blew strength upon my tears. You brought me up when I hit rock bottom and taught me to believe in myself. You praised me for my accomplishments no matter how many failures I've had.

Without you I have learned finally who you really are. I now fully know what I had in front of me. And maybe...just maybe you can see me clearly. Who I was and who I became required the very existence of yourself to enter into my life to change me into who I was meant to be. I'll always miss you as long as you're gone for the lucid fact that I still love you. ♥