Oh, if I could just go back in time when I was so happy at your return in my life. I know things have changed dramatically so, and in a way I lost all of that. But I'll stay strong as best as I could and I shall not forget a single good memory of you and I. I worked so hard to get to where I'm at now. I loved for so long and for so much. I do hope you saw all of it. I hope it didn't go unnoticed. I hope you see far and deep into it that this whole time, God was showing you how deep in love He is with you. If you do reject His offer, I sincerely hope you reconsider because I now know how heartbreaking it feels. God allowed me to see this by using our situation and I will not come out unmoved.
God has promises, just as He reminds us with the rainbow after a storm. That even when things get dark and gray, He provides a way out and fills our life with color and light. No matter what we do against Him, He will forgive and He will not flood this earth again. Because He will forgive us, through His Son, who died on that cross for us. I understand this so much more now, as I would die for you. And if I would do so, how much more can God love you that He already sent Jesus to do that!
I love you as the one person God put in my life on perfect timing to teach me how great He is.
I hope you choose the right path in life and that maybe...I'll get to see you in the future.
I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Anger.
Anger was always rare with me. You know this, I knew this, many others knew this. My patience allowed me to endure a lot further than one would think. I was known for it, really. But I can tell that I now have placed a little block of anger that I daily have been praying away.
I always suspected you held back another life. In fact, you seemed to make up an entire new person just for me, and only me. A person who was, apparently...false. I had no idea, I still don't. You continuously repeat that you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. I question that, as guilt comes from what is wrong according to our own minds. It's a form of conviction, which is a good thing in a way. As it can lead to making the right decisions and realizing we were about to destroy ourselves.
I get nervous, almost afraid to speak with you. I fear that you'll forget that I've loved you for this long and that you'll ignore everything I sadly attempt to say. But all I really can do is pray. As that has put a smile on my face during this awful time for us. Had I been without God, I'm almost convinced this would have put suicide thoughts in my mind, because I was that attached. But I have hope that there is a bright future for me (and you of course).
The very thing you held from me, the lie you fed and kept going, was something you knew would shatter my heart. You knew this so you did it anyway and figured you'd just hide it from me. How ever could you believe it made it better to hide it? Here I was simply trying to show you how much God loves you by applying the action myself, and you were only hiding yourself from me. I was convinced you couldn't do that because you cared for me. I didn't plan to hold you back from living your own life, but you still LIED about it... :(
I believed you when you'd say things. You began to become vague, but what's sad is I believed most of it. You openly with no hesitation lied. And one thought has recently come to mind. This is what you did to your mom. I know you lied for you and I once upon a time, but did you know I was sitting by my window late at night, looking up at the stars, praying God would soften your mother's heart toward you AND me so that she'll see I just want to love you? Did you know that I was praying and fasting for an answer to that prayer, that God would help your relationship with her? I hated the fact that you'd lie to her, and I only wanted you to be able to tell the truth and her be okay.
I've been fighting a long and intense battle for you. Did you even know that?
And here you are, about to throw it all away, including me. :'(
But I'll still love you.
I always suspected you held back another life. In fact, you seemed to make up an entire new person just for me, and only me. A person who was, apparently...false. I had no idea, I still don't. You continuously repeat that you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. I question that, as guilt comes from what is wrong according to our own minds. It's a form of conviction, which is a good thing in a way. As it can lead to making the right decisions and realizing we were about to destroy ourselves.
I get nervous, almost afraid to speak with you. I fear that you'll forget that I've loved you for this long and that you'll ignore everything I sadly attempt to say. But all I really can do is pray. As that has put a smile on my face during this awful time for us. Had I been without God, I'm almost convinced this would have put suicide thoughts in my mind, because I was that attached. But I have hope that there is a bright future for me (and you of course).
The very thing you held from me, the lie you fed and kept going, was something you knew would shatter my heart. You knew this so you did it anyway and figured you'd just hide it from me. How ever could you believe it made it better to hide it? Here I was simply trying to show you how much God loves you by applying the action myself, and you were only hiding yourself from me. I was convinced you couldn't do that because you cared for me. I didn't plan to hold you back from living your own life, but you still LIED about it... :(
I believed you when you'd say things. You began to become vague, but what's sad is I believed most of it. You openly with no hesitation lied. And one thought has recently come to mind. This is what you did to your mom. I know you lied for you and I once upon a time, but did you know I was sitting by my window late at night, looking up at the stars, praying God would soften your mother's heart toward you AND me so that she'll see I just want to love you? Did you know that I was praying and fasting for an answer to that prayer, that God would help your relationship with her? I hated the fact that you'd lie to her, and I only wanted you to be able to tell the truth and her be okay.
I've been fighting a long and intense battle for you. Did you even know that?
And here you are, about to throw it all away, including me. :'(
But I'll still love you.
Monday, February 20, 2012
He Wants YOU.
Oh, if I could tell you how much it hurt to find out what you had been lying about and why, I would. Instead though I have decided to let God take that pain to help me through this. I'm not one to give up though, or change my mind easily. I was brought here and I'm determined to find out why by continuing on.
This seems like one big mistake you are making, but a mistake that has an escape. You need sincere love, especially in your state of anger. God needs you, my dear. He has been calling you and knocking on your heart since the day He saved you from that floor. And you know exactly which day that was. I wasn't there, but He was. He had the courtesy to change me and build me up before sitting me next to you. He also taught me how He wanted you to be loved. He has amazed me through this, how He could feel this way for you.
It is unfortunate how this has affected me, how it stabbed my heart deeply. But I know I let myself stay here. I agreed to do this, and I'll endure. I always felt like we were so meant to be. But I knew that we weren't ready for more even if you did feel the same because we had to learn lessons. If only I knew if you were learning yours--as I am learning mine, day by day.
There is an awful thought in my mind about you--I wish it would go away. I keep avoiding thoughts that pop into my mind concerning what you just opened up about. I picture you as someone totally different, someone that would make me shatter in brokenness. At this moment I need God the most. I've been calling on Him and He has wrapped me in His arms with one thought in my mind. "Love him still."
You said you were ill today. You are growing weaker by the day. But I'm letting you go. Because now is the time that you must really, really see what is important to you. You must dig deep inside your heart and have really good reason to choose anything else over God and I. This is our crossroad and I cannot force you to come with me. But I'm going on a journey for greater things. I'm looking up and relying on God for my joy, as His love never fails. I'd be so happy to have you along, but it is entirely up to you. Because on this journey there will be no shame and lying will not come easily because the truth will be so much better. On this journey you will experience joy you've never had before, and you'll learn how beautiful love is.
If you can pray to God and ask for forgiveness, you are strong. If you can be honest and feel content about your decisions, you are truly pleasing God. If you cannot, you are missing out and He has an invitation waiting just for you.
I cannot explain how utterly loved you are by what I have seen and heard throughout this battle. But even as I became broken, God allowed me to still shine to this day. He will take care of you. Just lay down your burdens, admit you have sinned, and let Him take you away in His arms to a better future. You have hurt me enough to have reason to go to God. He desires to dance with you. What reason should you be afraid? If you are in the right, there is no reason to fear. But even if we are wrong in things, God lovingly forgives and forgets like it never happened. And He wants us to move on from our past too.
Give Him a chance. He's already given you about eight years of chances. ;)
This seems like one big mistake you are making, but a mistake that has an escape. You need sincere love, especially in your state of anger. God needs you, my dear. He has been calling you and knocking on your heart since the day He saved you from that floor. And you know exactly which day that was. I wasn't there, but He was. He had the courtesy to change me and build me up before sitting me next to you. He also taught me how He wanted you to be loved. He has amazed me through this, how He could feel this way for you.
It is unfortunate how this has affected me, how it stabbed my heart deeply. But I know I let myself stay here. I agreed to do this, and I'll endure. I always felt like we were so meant to be. But I knew that we weren't ready for more even if you did feel the same because we had to learn lessons. If only I knew if you were learning yours--as I am learning mine, day by day.
There is an awful thought in my mind about you--I wish it would go away. I keep avoiding thoughts that pop into my mind concerning what you just opened up about. I picture you as someone totally different, someone that would make me shatter in brokenness. At this moment I need God the most. I've been calling on Him and He has wrapped me in His arms with one thought in my mind. "Love him still."
You said you were ill today. You are growing weaker by the day. But I'm letting you go. Because now is the time that you must really, really see what is important to you. You must dig deep inside your heart and have really good reason to choose anything else over God and I. This is our crossroad and I cannot force you to come with me. But I'm going on a journey for greater things. I'm looking up and relying on God for my joy, as His love never fails. I'd be so happy to have you along, but it is entirely up to you. Because on this journey there will be no shame and lying will not come easily because the truth will be so much better. On this journey you will experience joy you've never had before, and you'll learn how beautiful love is.
If you can pray to God and ask for forgiveness, you are strong. If you can be honest and feel content about your decisions, you are truly pleasing God. If you cannot, you are missing out and He has an invitation waiting just for you.
I cannot explain how utterly loved you are by what I have seen and heard throughout this battle. But even as I became broken, God allowed me to still shine to this day. He will take care of you. Just lay down your burdens, admit you have sinned, and let Him take you away in His arms to a better future. You have hurt me enough to have reason to go to God. He desires to dance with you. What reason should you be afraid? If you are in the right, there is no reason to fear. But even if we are wrong in things, God lovingly forgives and forgets like it never happened. And He wants us to move on from our past too.
Give Him a chance. He's already given you about eight years of chances. ;)
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Invisible.
Dear The One That I'd Run From,
I know it's not that rational to feel a bit torn down right now. But it's not irrational either. I've been told that I'm "doing this myself." But being around you and communicating made me feel happy and it eased the mood until you were away. And becoming silent only shows me it's a one-sided friendship--because somehow communication stops when I stop putting effort into our relationship. Either way I'm apparently doing something to myself. Next I'll be told that I chose that seat next to you less than five years ago. Why did I think you still wanted a friendship? I hate thinking negative, but reality hits me when I decide to leave you alone. You'll only naturally leave me alone as well.
I guess I'm not the only one throwing out "I love you." Except I can't openly post it for public to see because I actually mean it. It's too true for me, and I fear someone will see and feel bad for me. And that'll only make you feel horrible (maybe) and look like a "jerk." Worry not, I'd stand up for you, as odd as that seems.
Maybe she's secretly in love with you. At this point I'm highly convinced you'd choose her over me. In fact, I'm highly convinced you'd choose many over me. Because I just wear you down with all of this nonsense. I just wear you down with my sorrow and excessive love for you. I just wear you down with my stupid feelings. Just stop lying to me and pretending like I matter when you smile. Stop accepting my gifts if you truly feel guilty. Stop letting me think that you're innocent when you're not. Stop pointing out the negative in me. Stop resenting me like you've plainly said you have. Stop pulling me down like that. I love and love and love because I choose to and yet the only thing you see is that ONE time that I explode.
Like now.
I lost you. I guess I have to accept that.
Sincerely,
Stephanie M.
I know it's not that rational to feel a bit torn down right now. But it's not irrational either. I've been told that I'm "doing this myself." But being around you and communicating made me feel happy and it eased the mood until you were away. And becoming silent only shows me it's a one-sided friendship--because somehow communication stops when I stop putting effort into our relationship. Either way I'm apparently doing something to myself. Next I'll be told that I chose that seat next to you less than five years ago. Why did I think you still wanted a friendship? I hate thinking negative, but reality hits me when I decide to leave you alone. You'll only naturally leave me alone as well.
I guess I'm not the only one throwing out "I love you." Except I can't openly post it for public to see because I actually mean it. It's too true for me, and I fear someone will see and feel bad for me. And that'll only make you feel horrible (maybe) and look like a "jerk." Worry not, I'd stand up for you, as odd as that seems.
Maybe she's secretly in love with you. At this point I'm highly convinced you'd choose her over me. In fact, I'm highly convinced you'd choose many over me. Because I just wear you down with all of this nonsense. I just wear you down with my sorrow and excessive love for you. I just wear you down with my stupid feelings. Just stop lying to me and pretending like I matter when you smile. Stop accepting my gifts if you truly feel guilty. Stop letting me think that you're innocent when you're not. Stop pointing out the negative in me. Stop resenting me like you've plainly said you have. Stop pulling me down like that. I love and love and love because I choose to and yet the only thing you see is that ONE time that I explode.
Like now.
I lost you. I guess I have to accept that.
Sincerely,
Stephanie M.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Pride.
That bracelet you wear has stabbed me one too many times, each and every single glance I accidentally take. I keep this so entirely silent just for you, and I hold my urges too well. But I can't do it that well anymore. I have resulted to spilling it out in this blog I assume you won't even see. What does it matter what I say though? Clearly I love you and care for you more than you even know--more than anyone I can think of. I would literally DIE right now just for you. And yet my thoughts do not matter to you, and they will never, ever make a difference according to you.
I allow you to almost control me, but I submit myself to you. I value you and respect you. I let these tiny things hurt me in such silence just to make you happy. ARE you happy now? Are you happy with how torn up I've become in my total lack of confession of what stabs me so harshly? You admit you are stubborn, but I'm so willing to look past that.
Where have you gone? You lost so much along the way, and I'm here crying until I fall asleep at night. Sometimes I can hardly understand how God can love you so much. Because the moment I think negative He reminds me to be patient with you. But I am about to crack. I'm about to fall apart right in front of you and I fear it. Why? Because your reaction or carelessness scares me. I'm afraid of what I would do to see your eyes care not about my heart.
I can't do it anymore. I avert my eyes, I cover the screen, I just can't look at it. You remain so silent about it, as if you're ashamed--and that says enough to me. What is the point in it? It says nothing, absolutely nothing. It says just as much as wearing a certain color does--NOTHING. The world has twisted ideas, thoughts, sayings, and requirements. Wearing red doesn't show the world I support love. Love isn't red. It's LOVE, an action, something you do for someone else. Wearing my "Love is patient" bracelet doesn't tell anyone anything. It doesn't convince them that I, Stephanie Ann, love with patience and kindness.
To me you appear so humble, so what reason do you have to gain pride? I wish this didn't hurt so much. In all honesty, I want out. But between losing you and dying, losing you isn't as appealing. I know I'm stuck here, as long as God will keep me down on this earth. Only He can take me out of this impatient and selfish state of being that I currently unfortunately sit in.
You're lying to me again, Steven. I just want to love you and you're lying still.
I allow you to almost control me, but I submit myself to you. I value you and respect you. I let these tiny things hurt me in such silence just to make you happy. ARE you happy now? Are you happy with how torn up I've become in my total lack of confession of what stabs me so harshly? You admit you are stubborn, but I'm so willing to look past that.
Where have you gone? You lost so much along the way, and I'm here crying until I fall asleep at night. Sometimes I can hardly understand how God can love you so much. Because the moment I think negative He reminds me to be patient with you. But I am about to crack. I'm about to fall apart right in front of you and I fear it. Why? Because your reaction or carelessness scares me. I'm afraid of what I would do to see your eyes care not about my heart.
I can't do it anymore. I avert my eyes, I cover the screen, I just can't look at it. You remain so silent about it, as if you're ashamed--and that says enough to me. What is the point in it? It says nothing, absolutely nothing. It says just as much as wearing a certain color does--NOTHING. The world has twisted ideas, thoughts, sayings, and requirements. Wearing red doesn't show the world I support love. Love isn't red. It's LOVE, an action, something you do for someone else. Wearing my "Love is patient" bracelet doesn't tell anyone anything. It doesn't convince them that I, Stephanie Ann, love with patience and kindness.
To me you appear so humble, so what reason do you have to gain pride? I wish this didn't hurt so much. In all honesty, I want out. But between losing you and dying, losing you isn't as appealing. I know I'm stuck here, as long as God will keep me down on this earth. Only He can take me out of this impatient and selfish state of being that I currently unfortunately sit in.
You're lying to me again, Steven. I just want to love you and you're lying still.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Because I Love You.
Your reaction was all I needed to know I did the right thing. But as I froze up inside and all thoughts jumbled into one pile somewhere at the top of my brain, you played it out well. I failed to give you my reason into words, but it was there inside my mind. You threw out the word "why" just enough times to give me more opportunities than I should have needed to answer. I sincerely hope you erased any type of thought that says you should feel bad. Because you shouldn't. With my entire heart I desired to get you something you mentioned wanting someday. With every "why" you asked, inside I answered, "Because I love you."
You always show the proper amount of thanks when you receive gifts or are helped. You are humble in the most wonderful way. With the appreciation you have, I couldn't be more happy to give you such a gift. Helping you assemble all the pieces to the product was only half the fun in it all. Being patient with you, helping you, and working as a team puts joy and satisfaction inside of me. I take your hug as a gift back, which holds more value than you know.
Perhaps I cannot have your heart the way you have mine, but if in any way I can make you smile, I'll do. There is an internal fight within me, screaming for the unknown. As I hold it so deep, you don't even know. I wish incredibly so that I could share that, that you would know. But I fear it wouldn't make a difference. I'm trying so hard to be better for you. My arms wanted to embrace you kindly and forever the moment I wrapped them around you. But I ignored the urge and regretted it as usual. My body is literally begging me for you. And it even hurts enough to cry. How can I ignore this?
The more you continue to lure me in, the more I grow deeper in love with you. Here I crave more and it kills me day by day. I pray to God He'll give me patience and help me understand. Why ever would you be here again? Why have you come back to me if I still can't just have you? But I accept it, and I will be thankful. I have you here again. "I never loved a heartache so much until you were the one in the middle."
You deserve to enjoy your room, and to enjoy things that your selflessness refused to give you. You've given me enough to draw me in close, and I owe you more. You take me to places I've never before gone to, and you never expect a single penny from me. With all that I have, I want to give you love. The very love that God desires to give.
I do what I do and give what I give because I love you. ♥
You always show the proper amount of thanks when you receive gifts or are helped. You are humble in the most wonderful way. With the appreciation you have, I couldn't be more happy to give you such a gift. Helping you assemble all the pieces to the product was only half the fun in it all. Being patient with you, helping you, and working as a team puts joy and satisfaction inside of me. I take your hug as a gift back, which holds more value than you know.
Perhaps I cannot have your heart the way you have mine, but if in any way I can make you smile, I'll do. There is an internal fight within me, screaming for the unknown. As I hold it so deep, you don't even know. I wish incredibly so that I could share that, that you would know. But I fear it wouldn't make a difference. I'm trying so hard to be better for you. My arms wanted to embrace you kindly and forever the moment I wrapped them around you. But I ignored the urge and regretted it as usual. My body is literally begging me for you. And it even hurts enough to cry. How can I ignore this?
The more you continue to lure me in, the more I grow deeper in love with you. Here I crave more and it kills me day by day. I pray to God He'll give me patience and help me understand. Why ever would you be here again? Why have you come back to me if I still can't just have you? But I accept it, and I will be thankful. I have you here again. "I never loved a heartache so much until you were the one in the middle."
You deserve to enjoy your room, and to enjoy things that your selflessness refused to give you. You've given me enough to draw me in close, and I owe you more. You take me to places I've never before gone to, and you never expect a single penny from me. With all that I have, I want to give you love. The very love that God desires to give.
I do what I do and give what I give because I love you. ♥
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