The One Thing in My Life.

The overact of caring comes from the indescribable effect of the need to love. Every scratch, every slap, every bruise, and every sting drifts off into the past of forgotten faults. Each word that flows out of my mouth and into your ears is finally too late to keep silent. I only held it in so that it'd burst out when it had to. I've become this person in your life that never knew the need to try so very hard to become better. It has become and remained tough for one simple reason--I have accepted you.

Along acceptance became tears to describe my true feelings. To look at a human being who looks exactly who I'd desire to spend my entire life with and see a wall right in front of him. Along came signs and words spoken in my mind so loudly that I grew hope that the reality of now was temporary. Each and every passing day I remained staring at that wall, my heart slightly cracking along the way.

It has become the one thing in my life that I want to hold on to so that I never give up. To wonder why I received such signs and to think it's not over. The many times I've felt like letting go and giving up, I could not. Something always told me that it is not over. I saw this as a battle, a fight, for something great, something true. I wanted to fight it with my whole heart. To love and learn from it all. It has become a challenge and I do not want to fail.

I never did get my chance to become something special. I remained thankful for just a friendship. I accept where I stand. I'll love that very human being just the way he is. But I'll continue to meanwhile hope that we've not discovered the true meaning of our purposes. If I receive yet another sign that leads me to you, I'll go through the heartbreak of still accepting our reality. Our two different views on love may not be that much different. But the love I've come to know is what lead me to keeping you around. And loving you just the way you are. :)

The Walk.

More from my story I wrote at age 15! This is toward the end!

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"Are you cold?" he so tenderly asked.

"No, not at all," she lied, shivering more as the breeze tickled her skin.

"I think you are," he smiled, poking his finger on her bare arm. Her hair stuck up like sticks and bumps arose all over. Yes, she was cold all right.

She lifted her mouth and looked down at her arm. "Maybe a little," she admitted, blinking back up at him.

His brown hair ruffled in the wind, looking so soft and touchable. The edge of his shirt moved and jerked to the strong breeze.

"I'd offer you my jacket, but..." He held out his arms and looked down, as if to say it's obvious he doesn't have a jacket. His smile warmed her anyway.

"I'm fine." She looked out at the sun that was setting. He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at it at the same time. She lightly let go of his hand and ran it up his bare arm. His sleeves went to his elbows, where she stopped and noticed a scar on his upper forearm. Though she wondered how he got it, she tried not to think about it at the moment.

Stephanie smiled and looked back and up at him. "Thanks for taking me to see this. It's so pretty." He looked back at her and turned his whole body towards to face her.

"I knew you'd like it. All these months I wanted to take you to see the sunset. This just had to be the best place." Matthew gazed down at her.

She looked up at the stars and the moon and inhaled the scent of fresh air. Stephanie listened to the sound of the breeze and the waves crashing. Almost like a soothing melody to put her to sleep.

"When life seems so perfect in the perfect moment...it's hard to think we live in an imperfect world." His voice was like the wind, soothing and relaxing.

Miss You.

It was bright in front of me. How could there be any lies hidden behind it? Perhaps pain is a form of happiness. Or maybe just an effect. It's a worthy type of pain though. Just to cry over how happy you were for the moment you watch playing over and over in your head. I refuse to believe any happiness on your part was fake. Your smile was too bright.

It's a sad tragedy that your absence is unbearable. I might find it impossible to completely dismiss you out of my mind. You practically live there now. If I must say good-bye to you, I will. But I promise you one thing. I will most definitely miss you more as I continue to hope you hate it. But what is to happen shall happen and I will have no control over the matter. It's a good thing that I love you.

So that if you miss me...I'll be waiting for you.

Butterfly Birds.

I remembered those butterflies. I recognized them quite well. Although they were more like birds. A lot of them. Flying across the sky like gravity can't even touch them. These butterfly birds never really did leave my stomach. They'll have their time to sleep, but they're often awake. I didn't quite notice their attachment when they first arrived. But they're making their way to three years here. The refusal to be replaced is quite strong. Possibly against my willpower anyhow. It'd break my heart to have to let them go and watch them leave though. Therefore their comfort is much welcome. It's every time he's near that they fly...

If You Choose to Say Good-Bye.

You hide your face from me and I know you do. You're holding secrets again because you're afraid to see my reaction. But I think that's fair, for I'm afraid of it too. I'll avoid your gaze because you'll read my eyes too easily. I'm at the point of forcing myself to hold on because it's not coming naturally. Now I sincerely hate this in a way that I might regret, but I'm risking that. Perhaps you lied to me unintentionally because your point has not been proved. There may be slight gravity during your good days, but the pulling hurts during the other days.

So now we're repeating the past, as you hide everything you're ashamed of from me. I know not, I ask not, and I certainly judge not. If only you had the guts to push me away instead of quietly leaving me here without any further knowledge as to how you feel. Go ahead and blame my emotions for this ridiculous reaction to nothing. You may very well begin to hate me, but I will most definitely remember to love you. It has become the hardest decision I've ever kept.

I keep thanking you for the small things because it helps me forget reality. I think I've almost completely lost the you I knew. But sadly, it has caused no joy. You laugh at different jokes, you smile at different people, and you listen to a different melody. Why do I try staying in your world when you're clearly moving out? I fear I'll begin to miss our song and I'm not quite sure I want to do that at the moment. But yet now I'm bottling up all the pain and sorrow I've gained in the amount of time we've not talked so deeply.

My friendship does not have to be yours anymore. Then you'll lack the risk of abusing it more and more. You don't have to make any effort to keep it. I won't quietly be next to you. I won't know what you do. I almost don't know anything even with our friendship. I'll stop writing you letters and giving you gifts. I'll walk out the door I came in just as quietly as I had entered over three years ago. You'll continue on in your life the way you want to, whether you get hurt or not. And when everyone has failed you and no one can love you properly the way you should be loved...

Then I'll wish I never had given you the option to say good-bye to me...