The Journey.

I took the time to remind myself what brought me to this exact place that I'm at. And trust me, it's a beautiful thing. I know it has made me feel very weak, but this is only because I've used a vast amount of strength that God lovingly gave me. Quite a while back I wrote words about not knowing why I always felt I needed to love you no matter what. And as the year and some odd months passed, I saw the bigger picture. Along the way, God gave me the knowledge that He has promised me something. As I run this race, I am promised a prize. To give up now due to weakness would be a simple action of doubt. I do have the strength to make it to the end, and I will drag myself there if I have to.

Too many people give up before they reach the end. But you asked me, "How do you know you're near the end?" And although it was just a mini conversation on our wondrous walk together, it ran deep for me. I replied telling you, "Because there's a sign. See!" Ahead of us there literally was a sign, in which you made up what was written on said sign. Today as I sit thinking of what we easily talked about, I find it has more meaning than we know. If we look too far ahead, we begin to fear we can't make it. But if we focus on the small steps ahead of us, we'll always make it to our destination. Every step ahead of our last step is a new destination.

What feels like a dead end road to me is simply a road waiting to be created. The wall is waiting to be knocked down for us to enter new grounds. To learn new lessons, and grow more strength to endure new things. The wall between us has simply protected us so we may understand and never enter a journey prematurely. Because of all that we've ever faced, I was able to be challenged. And I've come to really see that I am passing this test.

To love you through everything.

Dead End.

I'm not sure if I should put myself in the place that I do. Sometimes I want to give you what you deserve. But I'm not even sure what that is. It's not like you put me here yourself. I just ended up here in a daft spot right next to you. I wanted to love you the way God asked. But in the process I grew in love, and quite the dramatic amount. What do I lack? What am I not giving you that you desire? Where are we even going?

You've given me the image of a dead end road. It's as if I stare at this sign and weep and sob, looking at the very beautiful soul that stands tall on the other side. You say nothing. When I tell you how wonderful you are, you say nothing. You keep silent about my open heart and I'm afraid to read that silence. I keep hoping that every new opportunity to see you is a chance that you'll tell me you love me. I simply dream it though. I know we're not there. I like to pretend you belong to me though, and that I belong to you. Just to ease the pain for a while.

You were right. I did let you keep the key. You did have it all along. And I don't mind that I've let you in, even if it hurts.

Godsend.

During the reminiscing of our friendship, I've come to thoroughly understand that you truly are my godsend. Because as almost 4 years of knowing you become complete, you're more wonderful to me each new day. I never claimed to be great at holding this in. So I'm pouring it out. I'm about ready to shout it to the world. I was meant to love you and the desire to do so has never once left my heart.

Your eyes are my favorite place to dwell. You were designed in such a unison to me that I know now why I'm so drawn to you. I always have been. I looked forward to your presence the moment I accepted you as a friend. You were exciting to see, and even though I did not know what you were going through deep down inside back then, you showed happiness still. Your eyes always seemed to light up when I'd see you. You made me feel so much like I mattered in the world. It's as if you saw nothing ugly about me; that you genuinely liked me as a person. You see, you may have noticed I genuinely liked you, but it definitely goes both ways.

This all may have given me a hope you didn't intend to pass out, but it was inevitably placed in my hands. This hope brought me here, today, loving you still. I was made to love you the way I do. And as you continue to keep me around, I'll still remind you of how extremely special you really are. The hardships we've been through is the very proof that you were meant to be in my life, and I in yours. I can completely see why God made me into the person that I am today. Why He set me apart to transform my life. Because He wanted me faithful.

Because He knew you.

Exactly Where I Needed to Be.

To say the least, I felt complete. There was and is no other human being that could have made me happier. It was as if I was exactly where I needed and wanted to be. Sitting right across from you, enjoying your sincere smiles. I knew why I looked forward to those hours before they happened. I had no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have joy with you. I never know what to expect but I'm always left moved. You were you, only better, and you continue to do so each day.

Do you understand why I still cry over it all? Lately I've been digging into your words, your emotions, your eyes, and I'm trying not to plant thoughts in my head that could be incorrect, but I'm desperate for hope. Had I not known any better, you truly would be fooling me. Friends feels like an understatement and I would never desire to take our happiness we have been sharing away. Whatever you have been doing lately is working. And now I miss you.

Do I Understand?

I could write up an entire novel attempting to explain the tiniest detail of how I felt with you. But what words could possibly convince anyone of such happiness? You've done this to me, whether it's intentionally or not. You've allowed me to soar high. But this time it was as if we sat comfortably on the same page. As if you saw what I saw and you enjoyed it too. I cannot understand why I would see incorrectly. I don't know what else to do but read into your smile. It was brighter. You were different. And yet I have no idea what to think.

You'll always be loved by me.

The Dislike of Disappointment.

Is it ridiculous to be saddened over how easily disappointment can be found? For just a few moments, I am lacking to ignore that obliterating feeling. It's a one-time only thing to me, to claim, that I'm easily put down when I have to miss it. Like not being able to have a party on my birthday, knowing I'd have to wait a whole entire year before being able to attempt it again. The fear and disappointment hits me hard, as if I'll miss that chance. Once I get into this mode, I begin to do whatever I can do to make it work.

I've come to truly understand myself. That giving up does not come easily at all to me. I have this strong perseverance inside of me for the things that are so heavy in my heart. I have the willingness to keep trying until I'm satisfied and happy. But too easily I am saddened as it does not happen.

I lost a lot while growing up. Maybe that's why.

One Perfect Set of Arms.

Sometimes it's as if there's only one set of arms in this world that could wrap around me so perfectly. I once found myself in them. Perhaps at the time I was unaware that I would lose such a hiding spot. My entire being wants to run back in time and rest inside there once more. If only the owner of said arms could just build that small shelter around me again. I sadly recall the day I was informed I couldn't enter them anymore. I accepted it with the most deteriorating heart one can accept such a fact with. But now as time stretches extremely wide, I'm aching to find myself back in that safe, warm spot.

I wonder if it's silly to desire such a thing. The most incredible person to ever discover holds every solution to my cravings. As I run, I do not get closer, and the greatest things I can ever imagine remain in my face. So close, yet so far. Sometimes...I just wish I could have that hug again.

Burning Crave.

I silenced myself. I kept it inside and suffered again. I swallowed it inside of me and played pretend. I regretted it later and bite my tongue still. You hold the pages I want to write sincerely on, to even explain a piece of this. I try to dismiss this, but my mind dislikes my attempt. The craving is eating at me like an animal, as I keep pushing it aside. Instead of giving in and holding on, I push you. Instead of giving in to such a craving, I hit you. I immediately become disappointed that I'm doing so, and I wish it would stop haunting me. I can't just not believe in what became literally clear to me. My daydreaming is taking over my life. Why won't it stop? Why can't my mind just be still? For once.

I'd call this a train ride with no destination in your eyes. And that's what bothers me. I deal with such a heartbreaking fear of losing you. Not knowing where this will ever go with the way it is now kills me within. I've the heart to hold you close, but you hold out no hand to grab. Miraculously, I hold not this against you. But to love you has become the easiest and hardest task I've ever been given. No part of me wants to discontinue such love I've set out to give. But the more I do, the more I break. I become so attached as the burning flame inside of me grows stronger. There is absolutely no way I can put it out now.

I admit. I want you to hold me. And it kills me that you're not. I feel so unable to contain this with normality. I've absconded from the world, from all eyes that might read me. It's as if I've been running too fast for my feet to keep up and I'm now laying flat on my face, seeking enough strength to at least cry. I've pictured the smaller version of you and I've weeped an intense amount. I've come to acknowledge that you're the most special person I've ever met. And I cannot imagine a life without you. Because of this, I'm extremely happy you're here. Despite our circumstances. I wish that was enough to ignore the burning passion.

If this does not pain you, then I've taken it away.

Passion.

Your eyes are too powerful that I lack the ability to gaze in return. Your walls are cold and I let them push me, as I cannot stay too close to you. I fear the abusive passion deep within myself, slicing through my heart. But here I am taking my chances in the smallest ways. I'm putting my heart on the line just because I find you worth any type of pain. The pain I like to endure is the thought that I'm suffering instead of you now. That I truly can put on such a burden to allow you to rest. To place you high in my life to prove to you that you're worth more than you never knew. I'd ache a storm for you, I'd take a bullet--just about anything to give you peace. 

You should know I send prayers to God asking Him if I can keep you...just to keep loving you more.