The Gift of Love.

The interesting thing about love is it always turns the saddest frown into the happiest smile. With that small, mustard seed size faith growing into the most vast stronghold, nothing is ever too hard. With the thoughtless words I hardly understood, I've forgotten the very importance of my deep love for you. As I confessed my inner feelings to the One who brought you into my life in the first place, I remembered every single reason why I ever believed. I replayed the memories I never let go of and came to the very same conclusion that I always have. No negative words could ever avert my gaze from your importance in my life.

I have finally found contentment during your absence. The lesson I was to learn has become so sincere, and almost complete. Subconsciously I have expected a gift right back to me from you. But that is not what love is about. I have accepted that true love will give and give until there is nothing left to give, and expect not a penny in return. God has given me the opportunity to learn such a valuable lesson by guiding you away. And I let you go. God put me to this test because He knew that I could do it, that I'd pass. I have found that my true happiness was that you would be taken care of. Therefore I have no reason to worry as you're away.

I am simply honored that God found me worthy enough to call me to show you a love only I could present to you...from Him.

May that be my gift to you, forever and a day.

Your Easy Way Out.

I'm convinced that you yourself don't even know who you are anymore. From the person I met, to the person I lost, you changed in the most heart-wrenching way. Your peers easily pressured you, and you were influenced dramatically by everyone except I. As I let you go with a tight grip, I clenched my teeth to reality. You were never ready for me and I was completely ready for you. I ignored your flaws for so long, until they simply pushed me away. It is an intense battle to refuse to stare those flaws in the face right now. I dislike this so very much and I stand here so helpless to you.

I've been reliving memories, and planning out the way I'll accept you right back into my life if you so choose to return. I've spent my days with no point but to pass them by as quickly as possible. The only connection we now have is a social networking site, and I'm surprised you keep us connected there. It's not in my heart to cut off that vessel, but it hurts to see the tiniest thing from you that shows you are not you anymore. Perhaps you drink your sorrows away, or follow the big crowd now. Maybe you don't even take your own path because you forgot how. Have your words you wrote sincerely to me in that unfinished journal become forgotten? All I ever wanted to do for you was make you happy. I sent you away with my last attempt--your birthday gifts.

Each night when I dream, you make your faithful appearance. The human part of me wants to become angry, as if you never deserved my love. But no one deserves love. It's just a choice we have to make to the ones that come along in our life. And I chose to apply it to our friendship and your existence in my life. Who you were to me, and who you were around me was this magnificent and beautiful person that I saw, waiting to erupt to show the whole world how you can be. But when you chose the man who gave me up, I almost felt the world weep with me.

But here I am, waiting anyway, for God knows why. Each day I think a thought of you and hope that soon enough you'll return to me and explain why you ever received me before. Your deep seeded guilt developed not because I cried over you, but because you couldn't choose to love me the way I loved you. You made the choice to take the easy way out and you walked away. Walking away myself would have been the hardest way. My easy way out was to keep you around. I suppose we're even now.

When you decided we should part ways, it wasn't for me to be healthy. No, your decision was solely on you, for you, and because of you. It wasn't the "right" thing to do. There was no right or wrong to be made. It was your simple choice to cop out. It was your chance to finally give me up for the life you wanted more. You sacrificed our entire friendship as to never be with me. And yet you asked me to forget you. You changed in a matter of minutes. In result, I lost my best friend to the lifestyle that could never accept me, nor love me.

And yet I love you.

Test of Love.

During a hardship, the truth reveals itself so clearly. The love we planted grows, and what we sew we reap. It is the time we find out if we truly loved or not. The battle between our mind and our heart comes to an end. When our mind is in it, we find every way to erase everything that reminds us of what was lost, or left. We delete the evidence of it ever existing and cry away the pain and move on. But when it is our heart, we hold on to the memories and continue to love. We smile at the past and look forward to the future. We know we made no mistake in the love that came straight from the heart.

This came to me by simply observing broken relationships, and watching a movie show recently. I, too, was in a friendship that had love from the mind. When it came to an end, I deleted what we had from my memory. I threw away letters, deleted chat logs, and acted like it never happened. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that I did not truly love him the way I was meant to love someone else. It wasn't the sincere honest love, and I didn't want to think it ever happened. I moved on with no hesitation. I knew I had to. Fortunately I wanted to, but it has taught me what love really is. Because I used this part of my past to compare to the one I could love.

I have also observed the relationships I've seen around me. I try my best to encourage those to seek love and not lust. But I find that some of us rush into something that seems to return what we desire. They give their attention to a particular person and like being noticed. Of course we all want to be cared for, but we fall too much toward a lustful relationship. Because in the end, when it comes crashing down, we fall apart and pretend it never happened. Pictures become deleted, past evidence that they were close at one time are erased. And they set a goal to move on and make up for the time they wasted. They start the cycle all over again.

Love is willing to wait and not rush. It is willing to love through the worst time just as much as the best--if not more. When we truly love, we see into their eyes, not at them. We dig deep to find their most precious treasures. Love is not physical affection, but rather emotional affection. It's diving into their heart and asking for nothing at all in return. It's always reaching your hand out for the time they may reach back for help.

When we put love into a relationship, if it breaks and comes crashing down, we don't erase them from our past, we embrace the moment. We let the past remain and burn not a letter, nor memory. We believe with our entire hearts that we did exactly what we were meant to do. And we press on and endure and move forward, not on. It is at that hopeless looking moment that our love is truly tested. The ultimate test of all. If they were to turn away from us, would we still love? If they never loved you back, would you still love them?

You see...this test was given to me. And I pray God sees to it that I pass it.

♥

Remember Us?

Dear You,

Remember all of our good moments, where we'd scream or laugh over the tiniest things? To us, they were huge. Our reaction was the proper proportion to the action. When I sit at the piano and play a song, I can't help but play back those memories. It's as if they were simply too good to be true. I felt so alive with you, so open to anything perfect. I didn't have to worry about anything. You looked at me like I mattered when I'd spent those minutes explaining the longest stories. I'd almost stop myself in mid speech until I realized I had your full attention anyway.

Remember sitting in the booth at a restaurant in the middle of the night? The waitress wouldn't return to pour me more water. As I jokingly and constantly complained about how much I wanted more, you finally attempted to satisfy my need by pouring the rest of your water into my cup. As ice cold water poured on my hand, my immediate reaction was the laugh. With you, I was happy and content. To me, it makes no sense to throw something that beautiful away.

Remember when you taught me how to dance? You paid attention to me more than anyone else I'd meet. I didn't know I'd claim you as the best at the time, but you always were. I found myself finally looking forward to each new day. You were the answer to my prayer in the best possible form. If I could relive an amount of years, I'd relive the past four. And through the heartbreaking moments, I'd still love you again.

Remember when I surprised you two years in a row on your birthday?

I just wanted to make you happy.

Yours Truly,
Me

Eleven Days.

In a matter of eleven days I have lost a home, my room, a lot of money, and most importantly, my best friend. It seems as I tried to keep my head up, I have finally reached that rock bottom. I was doing okay until it hit me--I am in debt! I did this to myself unintentionally and didn't fix the problem before it existed. It was all my fault. But yet it occurred during one of the hardest eleven days in my life. This debt sealed the deal. Losing my best friend hurt the most. But am I to lose before I win? Perhaps so.

This may be God's way in sifting me. In preparing me to survive. All because He has one heck of a surprise waiting on the other side of this horrible mountain. It all comes to what seems a bad ending first, and then a beautiful reward awaits. I've held on to this hope. I've held onto this promise. And I still have not given up. With God, I can overcome this stress. I will.

What seems the worst eleven days in my life is just the ending to the best battle I've ever fought.

I Should Not Have Cried Then.

Glancing back at the times I've cried while you were still around causes me to almost regret doing so. I had you right in front of me and wasted time crying over what could happen. And now that it happened, the pain doesn't compare. But I've found peace quickly. My hope remains that God gave us a purpose and His job is not finished. I shouldn't have spent time hurting, or shared that pain with you. I should have always showed how I truly felt. And that was happy when I had you around.

Suddenly it feels as if I have no purpose, but I know I still do. Each day I have no idea why I'm still here. As if you really did give me reason to keep my head up and be strong. Because with you, I had a goal. To make you feel so much like you matter in this world. And you do. You mattered a mass amount to me and as worth it as you were to my heart, you were even more worth it to God.

I almost wish I told you what was told to me. You see, God placed inside of me feelings that resembled His. As much as I deeply cared for you, so did He. He allowed me to ache for you because He desired you to love Him back. You matter to Him so much so, that He sent me to love you the way He wanted you to be loved. It took me a while to be ready for this, and it took a lot for God to prepare me. But He did. He stood me up when I fell, He strengthened me when I went weak... But most importantly, He taught me how to love you just the way you are. What I was told by an almost stranger is that the way I care for your entire life is the way God cares.

To me, this is the most beautiful thing. To be called to reach out to someone who needed it. God uses the most unlikely to do huge tasks. I, the quiet and shy girl who didn't even want to talk to guys, was called to love the complete opposite: a loud and talkative moose. If I could rewind time to your birthday, I'd hug you and never let you go. Interesting enough, when God called me to this...He knew I'd feel this way. And yet He let it happen.