What We Have.

I've pondered on what we have, from the very deep roots to the many branches. Hidden from the world, I cried at the thought of losing it. I am attached enough that it is no wonder I could not let go when I tried. I allowed each tear to fall for each thought I held. I felt them turn from warm to cold as I sit there in that dark closet. It is too special to dismiss and often I feel like I never look hard enough at what we've created. But this time I did.

What we have is a unique friendship, and yet the word friendship does not describe it well enough. I have become weak because I've discovered all my strength. I was stronger than I thought I was and I knew that when I used it all up. If we can still smile during an argument, it serves a purpose. Can you picture the first month of our friendship? I never realize how long ago it was until I take the time to remember.

One of the most special things to share with you is my passion for the piano. For the longest time I wondered if I'd find someone to play along with. Someone who appreciated my playing and gave me motivation to keep going. You found me when I almost lost that passion. For months I spent hardly any time playing. Somewhere along the line we got used to playing side by side. And honestly, it's the most precious thing I hold on to with you. To take that away from me would hurt greatly. I refuse to imagine letting it go. Only that would require holding onto you for the rest of my life.

I cried because you've become the exact person I failed to imagine long before. All the things I wanted turned into all the things I did not need. And all the things I needed I found just by knowing you. I know we have problems, I know our feelings clash. I know we see things differently, I know I'm in this alone. But a part of me has this intense hope that you'll realize what we have. Picture life without me. If you like it, have it. But if you don't, I'll be waiting here just to love you all the days of my life.

That's a promise.

You.

I am unsure of how to explain any further details of what is going on in my mind. I find myself lost in thought at the dinner table while staring down at the food I just prepared. There is no other breathing soul around me as I eat alone. Behind me I see outside, the clouds turning gray, hovering over me. Should this make me sad?

This has caused me to take note in what impact I've received. A total motivation to do things I never previously have taken the time to do. A feeling of appreciation and care. I've opened my mind to details I blurred at one time. I am speechless and overwhelmed by it all. But as the warm tears fill up my eyes and fall hastily down my cheeks, I am reminded of why I feel so alone in the moment.

I cannot get the thought of our laughter out of my mind. I think upon every good deed you've ever committed in my life. As I gaze at all that has existed because of you, I wonder why. Despite our situation, you have cared for me beyond what I could have imagined. Whether you've noticed this or not, it is in the utmost true. You care about my education, my talents, and my health. In the smallest ways, you've changed me. And in the largest ways, you've impacted my life for the better.

But I know what this has done to me. It has caused me to look upon you as someone very special. It has caused me to become happy over your presence. It has caused me to feel okay, just as long as I still have you around. To look at another human being and feel so understood. To know that as long as I have you, I will not have to worry about anything that comes my way.

I'm so sorry to have grown this attached to your personality. I thought over time that what's meant to be would be. Maybe I would have been able to move on as to not make you feel uncomfortable about me. I cannot explain to you why I found that route impossible. All that we've been through, all that we've done, however can I just walk away? You make me feel just right. I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you how hard this is, how often I look at the moon at night, wondering what God could possibly be doing right now.

I feel completely close to you because of our recent communication. You are a listening ear. A young man I can trust. But mostly...you have become my best friend.

You've complimented my writing, yet you're the number one reason that I write in the first place.