A Dire Tarry.

I can already feel the edges deteriorating gently, day by day. It is slowly becoming incapable of beating properly. The blatant ticking of time and the drawn-out wait collide unpleasantly upon my fortitude. I'm awaiting the results of our matter, wondering daily if we'll live. My equanimity is failing me in the most lamentable way. Everyday is a continued battle to defeat the abominable disconsolation. But when my eyes get just a glimpse of what lies ahead, I've no other thought but to persevere. You're the sterling gift and perfect complement; a souvenir I'd never forget. Your importance in my life is the very essence to your meritorious entity. Deprived of you I am incompetent of prolonging with the normality of vivacity.

Silent Mistake.

The words have left my inner being, my hands lost inspiration. That fire you lit isn't burning because I blew it out. Now I'm at a loss for words and they're nowhere to be found. My heart sinks to the bottom and all I can do is look up. For such a long time I just waited, doing all that I can to pass the time. Here I am at the end of a year and I weep ever too often. I intensely feel that somewhere along the way I have made a mistake. It is now a mistake I do not know how to fix. I've turned to God, as I always have, and clinging tightly is so hard to do. My fingers slip easily and now I'm begging Him to grab hold of me as tight as He can. I'm seeking answers that will take away the pain momentarily and put me on the right path. The mistake I feel I've made was my current silence.

God asked me to love you, and here I am leaving you to be alone and without me. At this distance I cannot even speak words of life to you. I cannot make you smile, nor share with you my own accomplishments. I suppose I've nothing for you to smile at though, and any accomplishments that might exist most likely don't. I took a different turn and discovered you weren't even there, leaving me to now cry upon your absence. But yet I'm trying to continue on, not even knowing why.
I've wrongly left you behind without speaking a word, and you're open to letting me go. I can drift away from your life and you can be free of me.

I still love you. And as long as that is so, I'll be waiting.

I Can Do This.

A voice inside my head is screaming at me, asking me, "Why are you doing this!?" The other part of me is replying with, "I don't know, but it's hard!" Here I sit, drawing the oddest blank and I dislike that very much. What reason do I have to write? All I want to do is believe, never allowing the faith to die. I can do this. I'll be fine. I'm not too sure what exactly I'm doing, but I can do it. Letting someone go about their way should not be too hard, yet it is. Now he can either walk to me, or away from me. I guess I'm afraid he'll choose away. But I'll try my best to stay strong no matter what.

Waiting For.

I'm waiting for Providence to kick in. It's the one thing I can truly count on to get me through the storms. I know that I have dreamed and imagined my entire life, but I'm still one for surprises. I'm letting go but still holding onto hope. Allowing what is to be to simply be. I'm making attempts to run in the wrong direction just so I can be shoved to run the right direction. I'm making plans to ignore what I love to be screamed at to love again. Not because I want to run away or ignore my heart, but because I want to know if I was ever on that straight path in the first place. Have I made turns, have I swerved, or have I come to a stop? Or have I truly been reading all signs correctly down the narrow and straight path?

I'm waiting for what's meant to be to stare at me in the face. I'm waiting to recognize such a beautiful sight to its fullest and most genuine features. I shall come to accept that I could very well lose what I have come to truly love. And although many tears have been shed due to such a matter, I still trust in God. I continue walking forward, whether it be baby steps, or leaps of faith. I find that reason to smile and I use it. 

I'm waiting for the most wonderful thing to happen. The second before all hope seems lost and the very last step before a fall. I'm waiting for the "im" in impossible to vanish away completely. I'm standing on the very edge of a cliff with the faith that I cannot and will not fall. May time make its way through all of this, steady and subtle. I trust that if I heard correctly...I am not making a mistake. And the answer will indeed return.

I loved you enough to let you go.

A Shelter.

I vaguely remember the warmth and comfort inside that solid place. My mind digs extremely deep for such details. If only I could run back in time and enjoy it for what it was. I had no idea it'd be stripped from my life shortly after. I regret I ever let go when I was wrapped inside. Just to be back in that shelter in the middle of everything is now simply a dream. I should have locked myself in and misplaced the key. But here I am, standing in the rain.

I wasn't blind when the pushing began. In fact, I wasn't blind throughout the process of loving you. When you were silent, I was pondering you. I was determined to figure all of this out and write out every little detail. But then I realized there wasn't much to figure out. Because this whole time you only forgot how to be the shelter that you were meant to be. You disbelieved what I saw plainly. You gave yourself no credit for what you did beautifully. The man you were meant to be was doubted by his very self. But I wasted no time doubting such a thing.

Although the feeling is such a blur, I know I'll remember it when it comes back. Somewhere deep in my mind I've memorized the scratches on the wall inside. I know the texture, I know the temperature; if there's one thing I cannot subconsciously forget, it's your comfort. When that day comes that you realize how truly strong you are, I pray you have open arms. And into your reach I will fall and into my arms you will stay. There are no set of arms I would rather trust myself in than yours.

(But I would really hate it if you hugged me.)

The Obliteration of Myself.

You should probably remove your entire being directly out of my life if you don't want me feeling this way. Because if you do that, I will surely become a wreck. Every piece to my heart will float into a sea of pain and I'll become useless. You can dismiss it all and walk away slowly but confidently. The best thing that ever happened to me would become the worst thing to ever leave. And the best thing that happened to you would be the obliteration of myself. Although, I might just be over-thinking this entire situation at hand. Trust me, I am pouring buckets of water inside this boat of a story. Because in reality, it's not really sinking.

In fact, I cannot find a single reason why your removal would make sense. It seems to have no purpose at all, actually. You leaving wouldn't solve anything but a sorrowless problem. We've something good going on, otherwise I wouldn't spend my time pondering it. But it's a good-bye I just never want to give. If you can never see something beautiful with us in the future, then I know a good-bye is sure to come. But that, my dear, is what I hope you'll soon realize will be the most terrible mistake to make. Why kill the possibility of forever?

Bring Me Back to You.

God, I miss You. I used to be so close to You, in which I talked to You so much more. I read Your word, I gained wisdom, and I had the strength to carry on. But somehow I forgot to give You that much time lately. Now I'm laying on the floor in weakness and I need You the most right now. I don't know how to stand on my own two feet and I don't like where I'm at. I glance at my entire present life and I frown upon it. Why have I gotten this far down? You see, the only reason I have comfort is because when I cry, I know You're catching my every tear and You have not forgotten me.

Please give me the strength to stand up and bring me something new. Please transform my life, God, with Your love and mercy. Change what breaks me and fix what pulls me away from You. Take out what causes me to produce bad fruit and plant seeds of life in me. Allow me to not keep silent, but to speak Your name to those that have ears to hear. Give me hope when I see none and give me love when I have none. Grant me more faith when I doubt and open my eyes when I close them. Protect me when I walk in a dark place and lead me to the light.

I believe that love truly does never fail. I still want to continue on where You've placed me and I just need You the most. I'd rather lose the world than lose You. Guide me to where You truly want me and help me to understand Your will. Transform the lives around me and bring them to You. Bring into my life a friend I can spill my heart out to about You. Mend my broken heart so it can keep beating for You. Don't let my faith, hope, and love go unnoticed.

Please knock on his heart until he answers.

Keep Going.

Dear Self,

Just keep going. I know you're weak and you're tired, but do not lose hope. Crawl your way to the end until you've absolutely used up everything that you have. God is on your side and He will not leave you nor forsake you. Continue loving as He has taught you. Continue caring for those around you. Continue listening to your calling and doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do. When you feel down, pray. You're where you are at for a reason. So grow where you are planted.

Sincerely,
Me

Still Holding On.

I have a tendency to forget to push you when you're around. But when you're away I'm crying over how I'm still holding on because I can't find it in my heart to break this. I know what we have is good, and quite a miracle we even have it. But how do I continue on as strong as you? It's as if I'm pretending all is well when truthfully, deep inside, I am quite a vast mess. I'm running and running out of breath. Every step I take, I'm crying to God for strength. I used to take more steps than I do now before falling. I'm too weak to stay, but even more weak to leave.

But I want to show you that I love you enough to let you go. To allow you to go the way you want to go, whether I  be in your story or not. I'll always be here for you though. You can trust that my hand will stay opened. And at any moment you can take my reach and come back. I'll be looking for the perfect words, even though I may never find them. I'll continue this walk and if I glance back for just a second, I'll always hope your smile finds my eyes. When I shed a tear, just know your reflection will make them come alive. I will not forget you if you run away.

I'll keep holding on.