He'll Lead You.

[A comment I left someone that encouraged them AND me again.]

I'm doing better today. I really feel like God is helping me through this exactly the way I need. After all, He did CREATE me. He knows how I work, hehe.

He must want me to still pray and care for this friend, therefore He's not "taking him away from me." You know? And the love I have is still strong, so that is what's keeping me praying and caring. The feelings? Well, who knows if they'll fade, and when. But that's why I pray. It's one of the reason I NEED God to help me through it, hehe..

Whatever IS to happen, if I follow Him, I need not to worry. ^^
So the thought came to me.. "Wherever God leads you in this friendship, just follow Him. If you believe that something amazing will happen, He'll lead you there. It may seem blurry now, but in due time, it'll ALL make sense."

That and other many thoughts that are helping me.
You never know WHAT could happen.
Things could change, stuff could open my eyes, better things could come, happiness, etc.

And then there's the possibility of a miracle.

Whatever will happen, it's in GOD'S hands. If I believe this friend of mine really is special to me, then I shouldn't doubt for good things to happen. If God just wanted me to be here for him just as a friend and will someday move me somewhere else, then may it be God's will for what is TRUE. 

Unspoken Lullaby [song]

Unspoken Lullaby.

From "Somewhat Explainable" album.

It's only for a moment, that I'm here with you again.

If only I can wish for it to never ever end.

But time and time I realize I can never understand,

Just why this ever happened to me?

[chorus]

When will this love find its wings?

When will you see how much you mean to me?

How will we grow, and how will we know?

Where this love could someday go?

But most of all I'm wondering...

When will you have these feelings for me...?

I try so hard to ignore all the tears that find my eyes,

I wonder when the day will come when there will be no cries,

But every time I think about this love that's inside,

I wonder why this happened to me?

*chorus

[bridge]

I see the pain, I see your hurt..

I know you're broken, but I want to be...

Here for you, so always know

That I love you

Waiting for the Nonexistent.

(Excerpt from my hand-written journal: February 6, 2009 – 7:59AM)

Genius people say genius things. Therefore I speak genius as if it’s my first language (and it is).

You know…I thought about it. Technically my life sucks. Not that I’m letting it make me depressed. I know that I’m facing one of the strongest things God gave us.

L . O . V . E .

It’s pretty intense, dude. And now I know it’s something we don’t have to convince ourselves of. We don’t even need reason for it. If it’s there, it’s there. In fact, often times we lack to have it. We also lack to have the proper and true love.

When (and if I ever) say that I love you, I know that it’s more important to show it. I also will mean it with all of my heart.

I know I’m really picky. Well, sometimes. I mean that when it comes to the…”male species.” Because they are purposely, by God, made different than I, the natural instinct is for them to be drawn to women. Some can control, some can’t, some don’t, and some perhaps somehow don’t even have that drive.

There is also perversion in man (that includes woman in this case). I believe truly that the devil plays a big role in “perversion.” He wants to pervert our minds in any way possible to ruin God’s plans and creations. The closer his ending time is, the harder he tries.

What I mean by perversion is among many things. Men beginning to lust (man came first. I’m not saying women don’t lust too) is a type of perversion.

However, I believe that staying close to God will keep the devil away so he can’t “tempt” me or “pervert” my mind. A key thing he tries to do is allow us to believe we’re not being perverted. He wants us to believe we’re not doing anything wrong, especially trying to convince us that it’s okay to do things that aren’t okay, according to God’s Word.

THAT is the main reason as to why I am picky. And I know…this might make me even more disappointed because I have “specific” standards in many things. So that means I eliminate 99% of men.

Call me crazy, but I’m so picky to the point of waiting for the nonexistent. For someone to have my heart, well…they can’t exist. (Can’t, or don’t?)

I believed since ever that God would pick someone on this earth, put him in my life—but this particular person would have never had a girlfriend. For about three years I’ve prayed that God would actually keep him away from girls and dating so that he wouldn’t “lust” or “obsess” over them and that he’d wait for God to send him his companion (which would be me). When I’d meet him, he wouldn’t even be “lusting” or getting the “feelings” over me right away. He’d treat me as a person, not an object.

WHERE on EARTH  do you think someone like that exists?!

Oh, I believed.

But I also knew that it wasn’t someone who’d just appear. Mr. Matthew was just a symbol. It was the man I’d know that would be perfect for someone like me. I’d find someone who I found worth it to be called “Matthew.” (It is only a name I used for a book. It originally started at about age fifteen by me talking about Bob. Bob grew into literally meaning my future husband. A simple name. Somewhat a joke name. Nothing special. He eventually got renamed for my story from Jared, to Michael, to Matthew.)

This man I’d know would grow into my Matthew and I’d pray my way to him.

He exists. Not what I imagined, but who God made. And I knew I’d find him when I could love someone for exactly who they are as a person. And it’s because of who they are that I’d know them. It’s because of who they are that I’d gain a friendship. It would be a strong friendship and I would love them unconditionally.

The person you are is not based on the choices you make. It’s the choices you commit that are based on who you are and what you believe.

I believe in God (and God is love).

My choices will be based on His Word.

Therefore, I shall always love.

Especially to Matthew.

 

♥ Always,

Stephanie McDowell

WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?

You're making me pointless in your life!

...wow...I've never thought like that before...

I'm actually not sure why I'm still here... Like, despite all that happened, I'm still hoping for things to get better. But it shouldn't get better for wrong reasons. Like, faking a smile and  becoming completely different people.

I like the original us.

We were pretty amazing. ;]

ILY.

And that's all I know. :)

AND I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE!!!

And I don't even want to...

:)

[Valentine's Day card I saw at walmart.]

((And yet that wasn't even the reason to write it in this blog...))

*SIGH*

Oh goodness. My life is one tough cookie.

But good things are worth waiting for. =']

♥♥

God's Battle.

After lots of prayer...I now know what I need to do. And SOON.

I thought it needed time. And it did. It got its time. A LOT of time.

As small as I am compared to God, I know He holds me closely, so that whatever comes my way, He knows exactly how to get me through it. Because I choose to follow Him in all His ways and try my best to pray [as much as I forget and fail often], He guides me and I can fully trust Him.

I don't want to leave His side. I also know that the closer I become to God, the harder the devil tries to ruin that and break us apart. But sorry, GOD is much STRONGER than him. :)

I cannot even explain how good I felt last night afterwards that what I heard had to have been from God. He even guided me to the right scripture. Reading it opened my eyes and I just sat there thinking WOW.

It was exactly what I needed to read and I took it as a confirmation that what I thought God wanted me to do is really what He does want me to do. Now, if I'm wrong, I pray He stops me, and that whatever DOES happen, whatever I DO say, is of Him and because of Him.

May He be in complete control. I will do my part, and He will do His. 

This is yet another genesis...and I admit.. I'm excited and nervous--all at the same time!

Give me the confidence, the courage, and the love, God. ♥

2 Chronicles 20:15,17

¹⁵"...Thus says the LORD to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s."

¹⁷ "You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you.’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.” 

Please, Not Again..

I don't want to go through this again...

Ugh.. get me out of this!!

I feel like if I reach out for happiness, it would be too hard to catch.

Pain, just go away. Why can't you leave my heart alone?

If I Could Only Tell You...

If only I could just tell you. To say all that I've been holding in. To just ...gain that courage.

I know why I'm not yet. But I don't even know how that time will come--if it comes. To look you in the eye and just say it. I wonder if that's the very thing that would change everything. I wonder if that's the very thing that'll finally open your eyes to understand me...completely.

Or maybe it'll be the very thing that'll mean almost nothing to you.

I can only think of the times that we've spoken--just over the phone--and it took me quite a while to say what I wanted to say. You'd tell me "Spit it out," and eventually, after enough time passed, I finally started opening up.

Why did you even bother trying to get it out of me when I was stubborn? Why did you stay on the phone for hours talking aimlessly for most of the times? Why did you make time for me so we can go eat or hang out?

I tried so hard to ignore myself so that you may be happy. I knew I could never ask for anything more than what you wanted.

And now I do wish to still smile. Hoping that nothing will ever change, unless God wills it.

If I could only tell you, I wonder what it would mean. If I could only tell you, I wonder what would happen. If I could only tell you, I wonder if it would change anything... I wonder if you'd realize more than ever who I really am...and who you are to me.

I feel like I've been through this before. I feel like I'm repeating exactly my life before you. I feel like I'm making a big deal over the smallest matter--except it's not a small matter.

I feel like if I wanted to, I could easily brush this off and move on with my life. But the more I pray, the more I want to see that breakthrough. The more I pray, the more I WANT to stay where I am today.

Here. Me as me. You as you. And with all the more reason to keep going. To believe. To look forward to the unknown, knowing it'll be great.

What am I even saying? 

What am I ever saying? I'm writing a letter to no one. I'm writing a letter in a blog with no addressed name. It's not being sent to you. It's just here. Possibly being read by the wrong person...

Maybe that's why I wrote it..

How many letters will you send him, Stephanie, that aren't sent directly to him before you tell him? How many things will you write with sincerity until he's gone?

How many nights will you lay awake thinking about it until it's over? How many tears will you allow to fall down your cheek and onto your pillow before you give up?

What is there to give up on?

A friendship shouldn't be confusing for you. A friendship should just BE. Isn't that exactly what he told you?

What is this friendship? WHY is it here? WHEN did it form as a friendship?

I wish I could tell you everything. But the only thing I can get out into this blog is...

You're the only person I've ever felt that understood me...just as I am.

Your Friend,

Stephanie

P.S.

If only we could just start over...